I need some courage

[wrigglewriggles]

I’ve had the conversation in my head many many times. I’ve started to look for a new home. I’ve checked out. But can’t find the courage to end it with my partner.

Neither of us are happy. I’m done with the verbal and occasional physical abuse. I’m done with feeling like I don’t have control over my life. Most of all I’m done with our children living this life. They’d get used to us being apart and would also be happier in the long run.

Why can’t I end it? Why can’t I be brave enough? Why can’t I pluck up the courage? What’s stopping me?

I don’t need to be told how bad this all is for the kids. I know. I need support, help, words of encouragement ...

Can you contact Womens Aid?
He's ground you down and you have no confidence.
That's the issue.
Get looking properly for a new home.
Could you go somewhere else in the interim?
Family?
How many DC and what ages are they?

I wish I had an answer. I'm in the same place. I cried in my doctors office this week after a horrible morning. Im afraid to confront him. Last time I tried, he talked me into not only staying but agreeing to try harder. He twists everything and I am so used to feeling worthless and not trusting myself because of his gaslighting that now that I can't hang onto my conviction long enough to end things. I asked and my doctors referred me for counselling. I think that's what I need to deal with some of the trauma first, so I can tell him I want a divorce without him twisting everything so convincingly I end up backing down.

They trade on your guilt. You feel guilty because they want you to. It's a circle of abuse. Break it. Your children deserve better.

OP you don't realise how far you have come. You've come to the realisation that the relationship can't continue and you've already started looking for somewhere to live.

Anyone leaving a relationship has doubts, but you're in an abusive relationship which makes a lot more difficult.

Can you get in contact with Gingerbread today and ask them about money etc? That would be a great next step.

You can also read the CABx guide to separation and see what you need to do. It can be overwhelming to think about but you can just take it a step at a time. The hard part is over and that's deciding enough is enough.

You're a great mum and you're doing the best you can.

Do it for yourself and your kids, we only get 1 chance in life, don't waste time or days worrying or thinking you can't do this or that, grab them reins back get your life back on track for yourself and your kids, you Can do this, hope you are ok x

Sorry, should have said that we're not in the UK but I will take a look at websites mentioned. There might be some good advice on there for me.
I think the idea of counselling is a good one. I definitely need it. We tried a couples therapy session after the last 'incident' as he was all full of promises that he'd do whatever it took to keep us together. The reality is that he doesn't want to talk to anyone or own up to his actions. It was all about him and how terrible I am for not losing the baby weight (we have three children, youngest is 8 months) I'm in the same clothes as before child two was born. Yes, ideally could do with shedding some pounds but seriously it's not the worst of our problems.
I've started opening up to close friends about what has been going on. Think I need to keep doing that and therapy. Need help to understand why the hell I've let this go on. If a friend came to me and shared the same stories I'd be doing all I could to support her getting out. Why can't I do that for myself?

@GhostOfMe

I wish I had an answer. I'm in the same place. I cried in my doctors office this week after a horrible morning. Im afraid to confront him. Last time I tried, he talked me into not only staying but agreeing to try harder. He twists everything and I am so used to feeling worthless and not trusting myself because of his gaslighting that now that I can't hang onto my conviction long enough to end things. I asked and my doctors referred me for counselling. I think that's what I need to deal with some of the trauma first, so I can tell him I want a divorce without him twisting everything so convincingly I end up backing down.

Oh my god, so much of what you wrote resonates with me.

You have made the first step by talking. Now you need to start walking. You can end it when you have left. He won't be able to talk you round then.

I found my voice, finally.
Thank you for the words of encouragement. Think I needed to be in a stronger mental place than I was. There's a bumpy road ahead - selling the house etc but I see light at the end of the tunnel 🙂

Maybe you should keep posting, here or somewhere similar. Abusive relationships are difficult to live in, and equally difficult to leave.

I have no doubt that one day you will be looking back and have a different life to what you have now. But please realise that you have not been trapped by your stupidity or cowardice. You have been trapped by a man who is manipulative to his core.

Post and read, read and post. Just build your strength. It's exhausting being where you are.