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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need to Vent

15 replies

MissDR91 · 15/07/2020 09:42

I’m in a relationship that I know will have to end soon but I just wanted to vent a little because I’m starting to realise it’s NOT in my head and my partner is in fact manipulative. I’ve been with my partner since late last year. I’m 30, he’s 35. Not a huge amount of time but I fell for him quickly, we’ve spent a lot of time together and share many similar interests. When we’re together it’s great, we like doing the same things and we get along very well. When we argue it’s bad, it’s no in between. He’s been abroad for 2 months as he’s originally from elsewhere and he’s seeing family and sorting work because of the Covid-19 Situation so we’ve been apart in that time but in daily communication via FaceTime and communication about when he’s back home etc. This period is where the relationship fell apart but now looking back the signs were there. The first big red flag was that he had children with his ex and didn’t tell me. I found out by overhearing him on the phone. When I told him it’s an utterly ridiculous thing to keep from someone and how mad and hurt I was, his reasons were that I’d mentioned I didn’t ideally want a partner with children and he was scared to initially tell me and it go out of hand. I have no children and ideally wanted a partner in the same boat, but it wasn’t a dealbreaker. I just wish I knew. I said that is selfish and childish. I forgave him because he was genuinely sorry but it made me think so why else is he lying about? Then in the first couple of weeks of him being gone I found out he had logged into a dating app ‘out of curiosity’ and boredom and caught him leaving inappropriate comments on someone’s Instagram. He told me I shouldn’t be snooping and respect his privacy and initially was angry at ME because it’s my fault I found out. Ridiculous. He apologised and said it will never happen again but I don’t trust him. When we argue about this (baring in mind he’s still abroad so it’s even more difficult as we haven’t addressed it face to face) he gets mad at ME for always being it up. A couple of times he’s blocked me because ‘it’s the only way he can get through’ to me and to stop talking about what he did. He tells me to ‘get over it’. He gets mad at me for asking is there anyone else he’s talking to or is he being good. He is short tempered when dealing with me asking about this - I’ve told him right now I can’t trust him and he needs to understand that. Just because we’ve spoken about issues doesn’t mean they are resolved. He’s short tempered and only a few hours ago we argued over something stupid and he lost his temper. Called me a silly bitch and I’m dumb and his daughter has more common sense. I said good for her, hopefully she will have enough common sense to not put up with a man speaking to her like you are to me. This isn’t the first time he’s called me a bitch or a cunt etc. I can admit I retaliate and speak back but I would NEVER start a fight over something so silly and react how he does. He is an only child and has trauma from childhood but it’s NOT an excuse to treat women like this (issues with his mother an abandonment). I too have issues from my childhood but would never dream of being like this to someone. If anything it makes me want to be a great partner because I’ve seen the effects of abandonment and cheating and broken families. I’ve tried to leave once over an emotional conversation on FaceTime last week. He apologised and said he knows he’s been shit but he’s got problems and while he’s had therapy before, he needs more. I agreeed to support him but deep down I know this relationship is doomed. It’s just so much harder now because of the distance. Ideally I don’t want to end a relationship over FaceTime, I want to speak in person and get everything off my chest properly. I’m not looking for advice, I just wanted to get it off my chest without any judgement and see if anyone else has been in the same boat? Thank you x

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 15/07/2020 09:53

Lies, cheats, calls you horrible names. I dont think you owe him the respect of dumping him face to face.

I know you don't want advice, but personally I would split now and move on. Your life is precious and this is going to hang over you otherwise.

Iloveme30 · 15/07/2020 09:57

Oh no he sounds like trouble down the line .
Look you've had a 2 month break that will help sever the emotional ties a little , he's shown you he's not trustworthy also . Honestly I'd dump him now he's only gonna get worse if you wait to see him face to face it will be way worse and will drag the whole thing out. Block him and move along he doesn't deserve you .Thanks

MissDR91 · 15/07/2020 09:59

I just to add, while he’s not physically cheated on me, the fact he was using an app means the intention was there in my belief!

OP posts:
BurtsBeesKnees · 15/07/2020 10:01

I'm sorry op but if anyone called me a bitch or a cunt I'd leave them. It's so disrespectful. Add that to the lying and cheating. Nope, bye bye

Franticbutterfly · 15/07/2020 10:03

If I had my time again I would run away if there were ANY red flags. People tend not to improve over time. If you want a life full of his crap carry on, if not, you said you know what to do. I bet this time next you will be with a nice man who actually deserves you.

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 15/07/2020 10:03

Run!!!!!

Crystalspider · 15/07/2020 10:07

This man is all bad, he lies and is abusive towards you. He may not of actually cheated yet but he's still been fishing for it. Dump him by text he doesn't deserve much else.

pooopypants · 15/07/2020 10:09

I made it as far as "children from a previous relationship'

The hills are that way >>>>>>

MissDR91 · 15/07/2020 10:39

Thanks all for the input. I guess I needed reassurance as it’s difficult sometimes being the ‘good’ person in a relationship and trying to leave.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 15/07/2020 10:57

Your desire to get everything off your chest when dumping him face to face is a pointless and destructive idea.

It's not for 'closure'. It's actually a desire to him to see you as the 'good one' and get him to accept he's the 'bad one'. But he's never going to accept that. You could give him documented proof with expert witnesses and he won't accept it. He has his own narrative and you can't change it. So don't even try.

It also gives him the opportunity to pull out more of his promises and more of his manipulative victimhood about his 'issues'. Look what happened last time - you ended up trying to be the 'good one' and promising to support him. You got manipulated. Don't put yourself into that position again.

Forget this trying to get him to see you are the 'good one'. You are the good one, regardless of whether he believes it or not.

He'll be an ex, who cares if he thinks you're the good one or a bitch from hell? Is his opinion worth so much to you that you'll sacrifice your happiness and self esteem?

Divebar · 15/07/2020 11:04

It's not for 'closure'. It's actually a desire to him to see you as the 'good one' and get him to accept he's the 'bad one'

I agree with this... I think you imagine the conversation going a certain way in your head but I doubt he’s going to accept that he’s at fault for anything. You want something he’s never going to give you.... this is the man who called you a cunt. I would rip the plaster off sooner rather than later.

GhostOfMe · 15/07/2020 11:18

I know how you feel OP but @Thingsdogetbetter is spot on. The only thing you'll achieve is giving him a chance to drag you back in and hurt you more. He is never going to get it, he isn't capable of and doesn't want to understand what he's put you through. My DH is the same. There is nothing he cant find a way to blame me for. The latest being how horrible and hurtful it was for him to hear how much his behaviour in a recent argument scared me. Didn't matter that he scared me, the big wrong was me making him feel bad by telling him that. The only way you can win is to leave and go NC. If I could disappear while he was at work I would. 20 years and 3 little boys down the line that's not an option.

MissDR91 · 15/07/2020 19:21

Thanks all for your input. Just feel really sad that everything was great, and then he went to abroad and his true colours came out.

OP posts:
Fosler · 15/07/2020 20:33

Well, text him, just so he knows, that it's over. Tell him you never want to hear from him again and then block him every which way! For ever!

AlwaysCheddar · 16/07/2020 07:03

Ditch him. Anything you say he will ignore or turn around or spin, so a short, sharp message to tell him to take a one way trip out of your life is all that’s needed.

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