Separating - how to balance the children’s whereabouts

[NoPlainSailing]

We’re separating and I don’t know how I feel about how long & how often the children go to their Dad’s. Is it better for them if they go for 5 days at a time (during the holidays) less frequently or short bursts more often? Can anyone share their experience?
They’re Aged 10 and 14.

The 14 year old is actually old enough to decide how often they want to see either of you and even who they wish to live with, so concentrate on the 10 year old.

How far are you going to be living from each other? Do you both work normal office hours without long commutes? Has their father solely looked after them regularly on any days or parts of days in the week? This determines the pattern you set for the 10 year old. The 14 year old may follow it for a few months then decide to do their own thing. If they do then tell your ex to talk to the 14 year old directly.

I work full time but locally and start early, finish early. It’s been me every school day up until now. He’s argued though, that because of lock-down that he can now do home working and wants them 2 days a week during the school week. It’s really not what I want, but I don’t know how else to balance working and keeping them occupied throughout the summer break without his help.

Why is it not what you want? It’s generally good for kids to spend time with both parents. Do you think their Dad won’t look after them?
My DD does Wed evening (overnight during lockdown but not in school time) & Friday overnight every week and every other weekend. My ex was furloughed until last week and I was working full time so she had been doing 4 weekdays with him and Fri - Sunday with me. Best for her to have a parent with time to spend with her.

He will look after them. I’m struggling to wrap my head around being away from them for so long at a time when he only told me he was off 3-weeks ago.
What they don’t tell you is that you don’t just loose your partner, confidant and buddy, you also loose the constant connection with your kids when you split.

@NoPlainSailing

He will look after them. I’m struggling to wrap my head around being away from them for so long at a time when he only told me he was off 3-weeks ago. What they don’t tell you is that you don’t just loose your partner, confidant and buddy, you also loose the constant connection with your kids when you split.

Well that applies to all of you, children, mother and father. Plus it’s not really true. Learn to use your alone time as your own time. You won’t lose a connect but you will gain rest and recreation.

At that age they need to be part of the conversation. The starting point should be 50/50.

My friend did it so that one parent consistently picked up from primary school on a Friday night and had them until Saturday 6pm. Then the other parent had them from Saturday 6pm.

It meant one parent got a night out on a weekend either a Friday night or a Saturday night and then a lie in the following day. Does that make sense?

The rest of the week will depend on school pick up/drop off and what is needed. How far apart your homes are, any clubs or activities and who takes them to those.

I agree it is totally shit when a family breaks up, for everyone involved.