Please tell me how you personally coped separating/divorcing

[Checkers88]

I had another thread on here as I finally asked my EA husband to leave just over 2 weeks ago. It's been bloody hard tbh - a massive shock being out of the controlling relationship, and I have a 5yo dd who has only been back at school a couple of days a week, plus I work FT from home right now and haven't been able to take any days off.
I feel like I am barely coping mentally. I am staying up super late as dd has been more clingy (understandably) and going to bed later, so I'm really tired. I'm mainly eating quick stuff for the calories, have very little appetite, and loads of caffeine. I'm binge watching stuff in my little spare time, reading forums and stuff, going down YouTube rabbit holes watching clips of my celeb crushes(!!)... and just wanting to hunker down and be on my own whenever possible. (I've been parenting dd as normal, don't worry-- it's the one thing I'd say I've prioritised.) I just feel like I've lost my togetherness and that I'm retreating into myself and im not ok. Is how I'm feeling/acting ok?
I desperately need some time off work as it's so hard to focus, which I am going to arrange for soon. But please tell me. Is this normal? How did you cope when separating/divorcing? I feel like I should feel happy and free and productive now because he's gone, but it's like I've gone into my shell almost and I'm floundering.
Hope that makes sense. Would appreciate the support, I'm also quite lacking in RL support right now.

@Checkers88 Well done and yes, it's bloody weird to start with and you have to put all your energy into just the daily stuff.
Well done for prioritising DD. I am falling asleep as have just started a new job, so off to bed very shortly, but wanted to say that you'll be okay..better than okay in fact. Focus on the normal and the future. Enjoy the trashy TV and take care of yourself. x

I think what wouldnt be normal is carrying on as usual.

You’re doing as much as you can in the circumstances.
Take some time off as soon as you can. But if you need a day to just crumble, then take a day of sick leave.
It’s really hard. But it also passes.
So many of us have been where you are, and we are out the other end. I promise you it gets better.

For me, I took a day, drew the curtains and lay on the sofa sobbing. It helped an awful lot.

I also sought help from a therapist who really helped me deal with the aftermath and fixing boundaries with my emotionally abusive XH. Took a lot of strength from that.

Good luck.

(Mumsnet was also bloody marvellous for support).

Well done!
You will need to allow yourself some time, a lot more time than 2 weeks, to find your mojo again.

I'm almost 3 years down the line of STBXH having moved out and I am still having to take every day as it comes.

So, my top tips: be very VERY kind to yourself. Ask yourself what you would like to do for a friend who was in your situation, and then do THAT for yourself.
Cut yourself a whole load of slack. You'll have good days and rubbish days and that is find. IME people feel whatever they need to feel at any given moment.
Lower your standards. Do what you can, when you can, a sod the rest.
As part of your better self-care/prioritising your well-being make eating well and getting out of the house at least once a day a priority. Rest when you can, sleep is a bonus if it comes, if not, write the night off.
Headspace app is excellent for sleep IME.
Do MORE of the things that make your feel better and LESS of the things that bring your down. Only tolerate the company of people that help make you feel better or who support you. No time for frenemies or emotional vampires.

I am still devestated that my marriage failed, but I also very much see the positives and what I am gaining in personal freedom and being the captain of my own destiny . But that took me a long long time and I am only now at the verge of looking for counselling to help me get over my damaged trust in to my own abilities to judge people (if the man I lived with for 20 years turned out not to be who I thought he was, how can I ever trust anybody ever again? - you know, that kind of thing).

Onwards and upwards, it is the only way

Counselling was good.

Try and have a plan for a simple thing to accomplish when you have a block of time coming up. Like getting a room tidy or sorting something out, or replying to messages you’ve not replied to etc.

If anyone knows how to not go to bed late I’m all ears!

I’m there now too - although he is still here until he moves out in a couple of weeks. It is awful and I also have little rl support. I have high anxiety and rubbish sleep fretting over finances/childcare. But, it will pass and things will be better - maybe not right away, but they will. I will take comfort in the fact that things will be different- different to the last few years will be good, even if still a bit shit.

I Saw a recommendation on MN for the following podcast and I have been listening to It for the last couple of nights. It is good and helps:

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/nothing-much-happens-bedtime-stories-to-help-you-sleep/id1378040733

My sleep is shocking at the moment and it does make it really difficult to think clearly but it is a temporary phase. Our bodies are so clever and I am hoping that all this adrenaline is serving a good purpose right now. Maybe try and cut down/eliminate the caffeine post midday. I brought some matcha green tea and it seems to give me cleaner less twitchy energy.

I hope you can arrange some time off work soon. I will start writing a list of box sets today to start on once he leaves. I naturally retreat into myself and it is not always a bad thing - hang on in there and sending you a massive hug.

After the initial shock which meant little sleep, not eating, constant shivering I was strong for a while as I had to sort out the divorce and sale of the marital home and buying a new one. With that and focussing on my children I just got on with things and found the strength from somewhere. Then I got involved with someone who I shouldn't have (obviously looking for love after rejection), spent nearly every day crying for four years and made some bad choices in my life. In the end I had counselling which helped. So, initially I coped well but it was only later that it really hit me and I didn't cope at all well and was in a very bad place.

After about 3 weeks of what you describe something jus clicked and I realised how amazing it was to be free and everything fell into place and felt significantly better all at once. This was nearly 2 years ago and it just keeps feeling better and better to be honest!

I'm 3 years down the line. Be kind to yourself. Gather good people around you. Seek advice from your GP. Counselling gave me the space to vent. Although I realise I need to revisit this again.

Try to engage with ex as little as possible. Write notes or draft emails when you feel the need to pour out your emotions. But don't send them.

Just get through each day as best you can. It gets easier.

My ex moved out at the end of February (discovered he was a serial cheat) and my plan was to surround myself with friends and family and have them support me through it. I had planned weekends away, nights out, girly nights.
But well... Shortly afer we went into lockdown :-(. Last night I was lying in bed feeling really low and realised how extremely tough this is given the circumstances. It's the worst thing I've ever been through and I'm doing it all by myself with noone to give me a hug when I feel like i can't cope anymore. But you know what, I'm still standing and I have surprised myself at how strong I can be. I've managed to keep working (FT from home with 2 kids), I have homeschooled (sort of!) and I have been a rock for my children through it all. Yes, I still cry pretty much every day and I'm so so tired but I know I can manage it, as painful as it is. So keep doing what you are. I too stay up late for my me time and I'm rewatching all 18 series of Grey's anatomy and I make plans of things I want to do when coronavirus is gone. So keep going... you should be so proud of yourself. X

Thank you everyone I will definitely check out the podcast. I made myself not take iPad or phone to bed last night and just lay there being mindful for a while . It did help I think, not quite so zombie like today.
I guess I just worry i am crumbling after holding my shitty marriage together for so long and the emotional toll of absorbing the EA and that it will have a lasting effect on me. I jsut want to be alone and I'm flailing with work and household stuff. I feel like I'm hoarding money because I'm worried about the finances now even though I have done the sums and know we are ok.
I wish I could just do an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind on him and move on.

Funnily enough I'm the same with money too. I'm fine but I'm scrimping and trying to make as many cut backs as I can!
One thing that's worth remembering is that you are grieving and that you will pass in and out of the different stages of grief during the process so be kind to yourself and I promise, as clichéd as it sounds, time is the biggest healer x