Hi all, thanks for all the replies, there's too many to reply to individually so I'll try to do it all here.
We are married.
Re childcare. I absolutely do have a connection with my children - I didn't put this in the original post as I was mindful it was becoming an essay but I can see why people want to know. I'm affectionate with my kids, I play with them, and they're as likely to come to me if they're upset as they are to her.
Our weekends prior to lockdown were usually spent going out as family - before the money situation got bad, we would eat out, but then it has become parks and walks. All of which is fine by me. I enjoy spending time with family. There isn't a problem with that.
I definitely do not lie in at weekends. I'm first up every day of the week and I sort at least half the teas out, get the baths done and put them to bed every night of the week. When they are at school, I help get them ready in the mornings before she walks them to school and I go to work. She has returned to work now following lockdown so this is a necessity but it's always been the case that I have done this and shared responsibility.
During the day I am at work so yes she is doing the childcare (especially at the moment re lockdown) and that is draining for her. Worse still that she then has to go out to work in the evenings - she enjoys her job as she gets to talk to adults, but no doubt about it, it's knackering.
She was keen to give up her last job - she hated it and it stressed her, but she does like to work. She now does work but obviously it's on top of a full day with the kids and that's majorly tiring for her.
Re housework - tbf she does more as she is home during the day. I don't have expectations around this, if she didn't do I don't have a problem with it. I don't see it as her responsibility. As I say, in the evenings I do half the teas and then do the clearing up and sorting the kids. LIke most parents I actually sit down around 9pm
At the weekends I do some of the housework first thing and then in normal times we try to get out of the house.
All that said I'm sure that looking after kids during the day, doing chores and then going to work in the evenings is grinding her down. I'm sure it impacts her mood. This isn't about blame - i'm a 100% certain our circumstances are contributing massively to our situation.
Re affection. no it wasn't always code for sex. This was hugs in the kitchen, kissing hello and goodbye etc. They didn't, or even usually, lead to sex. We used to do it. Now we don't.
Overlooker - I don't know what you read in my post that made you so angry but I can't help feel you're reading your own experiences in to ours. Nonetheless I'll answer the point re time away and baby sitters - No I haven't paid for babysitters as there isn't any money. I'll remind you in my OP she is the only one of us who has been out with friends at all and she has a long weekend once a year away with her friends - all of which is totally inadequate and she needs more but it's not because I'm off doing other things, I'm not. We just can't afford it.
As to giving her every other weekend off - we share childcare and family time at the weekend. I'm not sure of the value of disconnecting even further from each other - as I say if she wants to go out with her friends or arrange to go away for the weekend (if she has the money) then I have no issues with this - I actively encourage it.
Re emotional support - this made me smile. The irony is I have always been the one who provides the emotional support. Who has put the arm around her when there have been stresses and talked things through with her. It has never worked the other way around. I always knew that and that was OK because I get she finds it difficult but it was at least balanced with normal day to day shows of affection. That's changed for all the understandable reasons I can think of, but it has changed. It's not about blaming her - the situation is as sh*t for her as it is for me.
As to what she thinks is wrong - as I say I have tried to discuss this and ask what she wants but she just closes the conversation down so it's difficult to know. It's obviously difficult for me to be the support she needs in this situation when I'm clearly part of the issue. Which is why counselling would be helpful but she has declined it when I've bought it up in the past.
Re sex itself - I don't think she's telling me there is something we're doing she doesn't enjoy (as in a particular act she doesn't like) as she used to enjoy and it more actively but it seems more than a general disinterest. I do get tiredness impacting sex drive but there's a difference between rarely interested and never interested. I have broached this subject and the answer is that she just doesn't feel like like it but will respond if I start it. Fair enough, she doesn't have to do anything and doesn't have to desire me but it tells me there's clearly a problem as it wasn't always this way. It's not even the sex, but combined with the lack of affection and intimacy generally that's why I miss it.
Re am I boring - well I don't do more than work and family so probably yes. Not sure what I can do there really but I accept that's very likely part of the issue.
I think I've answered most of the points. But to clarify, I am not blaming my wife for this problem. She works very hard, has little reward and it's a slog for her as it is for me. I do think it's natural (it's not like this story is unique) that given all that it's impacting the relationship.
My thoughts are simply that we are where we are. I can't change much of our circumstances so we have to change how we relate to each other if we do want to go forward. I'm not actually asking for all that much, just reconnecting with each other. That may or may be possible. Either way things can't go on as they are