Is this a trauma bond?

[Natureotter]

I very, very stupidly got involved with a married man. We didn’t sleep together but would message each other every day and night and I suppose you could call it an emotional affair, we kissed a few times.
He was unhappy in his marriage and said he was going to leave. He met with me and told me he was leaving, his wife was telling the kids they were splitting etc.
Although that didn’t happen. We agreed to be just friends. Until one day he lead me on and I went to kiss him and he pushed me off.
It was a lightbulb moment that I had to get out of this situation. My self respect was shattered, I was throwing myself at some arsehole who didn’t want me.
My friend warned him to stop using me for his ego and told him to stay away from me and he told her he was just being nice to me.
I was in pieces.
Anyway it’s been seven months no contact, although I physically see him at work I haven’t spoke to him.

I have all this anger built up in me, he just breezes about like none of it happened.
I so desperately want him to approach me or call me and say that I meant something to him, to apologise for messing me about and hurting me but he never does...and when he is anywhere near me I look away and get out of there faster than a rocket.
I have all these feelings of wanting him to want me yet I can’t stand being anywhere near him. If I make eye contact with him I just get flash backs of things he said or done and it’s painful.
I’m moving forward, I’m not looking back and believe me I’ve learnt and paid the price...but how do I actually move on in terms of letting it all go and not feeling so pent up on emotions?

You need counselling to unravel all this - from why you started an inappropriate relationship with someone married to why you continued it and now why it's still taking up so much of your headspace. Is counselling something you'd be open to?

CBT could be really helpful to you acknowledging and challenging your thought and behaviour patterns to stop this cycle.

It's impossible when you work with them. I'm kind of in a similar situation. I'm thinking about looking for another job, despite really liking my current job. I know what you mean, my situation is a little different but every day I want him to apologise or, at least talk to me or something. We pretend like we don't even know each other while we're at work. He's nice to other colleagues, just not me. I don't know what to say OP, it's difficult

It's impossible when you work with them. I'm kind of in a similar situation. I'm thinking about looking for another job, despite really liking my current job. I know what you mean, my situation is a little different but every day I want him to apologise or, at least talk to me or something. We pretend like we don't even know each other while we're at work. He's nice to other colleagues, just not me. I don't know what to say OP, it's difficult

You're probably not going to want to hear this, but it is doing you no good at all to keep on seeing him at work, even if you aren't speaking. It's just prolonging the agony and you are never going to be able to draw a line under it and come to terms with the situation.

You need to look for another job.

I tried counselling when I was in the midst of all this and it didn’t help, I don’t think the woman was great. I’ve found YouTube videos on codependency and self worth a lot more helpful and tbh I think that’s why I’ve managed to stay away this long.
We did this whole push pull thing for well over a year. I thought he loved me. I told him I loved him....I asked him how he would feel if I went and got married and he said he would be happy for me if I was happy, dagger in the heart.
Which is why I know this issue is with me because it makes no sense to be in love with someone who doesn’t want me, who treats me badly and hurts me and has made it clear that we won’t ever be anything. So why the hell is it taking up my headspace? I know he thinks about me constantly and he’s always staring and stalking my social media. So I know on some level he’s got this unhealthy bond too.
The difference is now I’m using my common sense and not acting on my emotions. I know it’s bad for me, I know it will wreck my life, I know I’m worth more etc...it’s just handling the actual emotions. My emotions want him and want him to want me but I don’t actually want him at all. It’s so confusing and bloody painful.
I’ve thought about getting another job but this job suits me so much with childcare and another job would Cost me an arm and a leg in childcare costs.

First an emotional affair is emotional. It's a relationship that hasn't crossed into a physical one. Kissing him made it more than an emotional affair.

Second, it's not a 'trauma bond' - no idea where you got that from. A trauma bond is from abusive relationships and other traumatic situations like kidnapping, where the victim bonds for survival to their abuser.

Flashbacks? Are you saying you have post traumatic stress? A flashback is where you relive a traumatic event, as though you are reexperiencing it.

It doesn't sound as though this was an abusive relationship OP. Admittedly, you weren't treated very well but I would say that his wife was treated worse. As an adult woman, you knowingly kissed a married man and knowingly pursued him. He, like most married men who cheat, was a shit.

I can understand why you are hurt and angry. You feel led on and humiliated but that comes with the territory.

@namechange12a I know and I keep telling myself that this is the reality of playing with fire, you get burnt.
I just couldn’t handle my emotions, I was ill over this. I cried everyday, I loved him, I was gonna sacrifice everything to be with him and he lead me down the garden path and left me there. That’s why I just can’t dust myself off and move on.
I feel terrible guilt now but I didn’t at the time because of the things he said about his wife. He told me that she didn’t love him and had forms for council housing and was leaving him and she previously had an affair, I don’t even know what was true but they are still together now.
I would never do this again.
You think you will come out of this feeling guilty and a bit of a shit but it shatters you as a person.
No I don’t think I have ptsd. I am just trying to move on and can’t quite cut loose the strings of the emotional involvement. I want to see him be able to feel neutral. When I see him I feel anger and pain.

I’ve thought about getting another job but this job suits me so much with childcare and another job would Cost me an arm and a leg in childcare costs.

Considering you have a child it's especially important you get some more counselling until you find one that works for you.

This is a ridiculously vulnerable situation for you and you're still minimising it by calling it an emotional affair when you've kissed each other...

Good people do bad things. Everyone makes mistakes. But until you take ownership of them and start to focus on what is genuinely important - your health and happiness and your child's health and happiness. Romanticising him does nothing but detract from both.

I know he thinks about me constantly and he’s always staring and stalking my social media. So I know on some level he’s got this unhealthy bond too.

How do you know he thinks about you constantly? If its been seven months how could you possibly know that?

He's staring at you because he sees you at work all the time. You need to leave your job to move on. Tough but that's life. It sounds so harsh but I'm being realistic - the price you will need to pay for the decisions you made is having to look for another job and potentially paying more for childcare. Actions have consequences.

As for social media, again if it's been seven months no contact then how do you know he's stalking you on there? Block him on everything and stop looking.

And stop labelling it a bond, this is very different to trauma bonding - your situation is just a toxic dynamic.

I want you to listen to me very carefully.

You do not need this man, he's a shit. He is not worth your sleepless nights or your pain. Feel sorry for his wife because he's bound to do it again. He's selfish and out for what he can get. He used you and your friend was right.

OP, what you're feeling has little to do with him. It's to do with you and your own lack of self worth. Only you can do something about that.

This is a lesson not to get involved with anyone who doesn't have your best interests at heart. To walk away at the first sign of bad behaviour and to work on yourself. To become the best version of you that you can.

Google limerence. This could be you.

Quite honestly, I think you're just feeling plain old regret. You can't let go because you wished the outcome was different, which is wrong, because the outcome would be the prolonging of your affair.

I think you need to accept that you made a purely bad decision. He is just as culpable, but it really doesn't sound like he led you on, it sounds like he just didn't feel the same for you as you did for him.

@Lougle no he didn’t feel the same I know that now. But he did lead me on. He told me he was leaving his wife and needed space to sort things out. I gave him that and then he randomly turned up to a work do I was at even though he declined the offer. He didn’t leave his wife but he pursued me, just kept me at arms length physically. He then flirted with me heavily, and I made a move and he rejected me. I was in a state of confusion.
He didn’t want me but didn’t want to let me go either. But when he said he was just being nice to me to my friend, I knew then what his true colours were.

@backseatcookers I blocked him for a few months but then I unblocked him because I had a stupid notion that I was going to post pictures of all the nice things I was doing in a bid to show him I was over him...which thinking about it is totally pathetic
It flags up that someone I’m not friends with is watching my stories and I suspect it could be him.
I think I still have some work to do on this.

Much as I sympathise with your situation because he really led you on and you fell for it all, it is his wife I really feel sorry for.

He's an absolute shit. Put yourself in his wife's shoes. How would you feel if you were married to someone who behaves like that?

Eventually you will get bored of unrequited love and accept you have no choice but to move on, there was no real relationship you were just hanging on to what he led you on to believe, he is not worthy of your love and he is not single.
Go and fun and find some single men, there are loads available that you are shutting yourself off to.

You’re looking for validation if your feelings in the wrong places. Do you have a history of that sort of thing? What did you learn about relationships growing up? Did you feel loved?

Well have you blocked him again for a start? On everything?

It doesn't feel like you really want out of this the hard way - which will be taking responsibility (you do rather make it sound like the affair was something he did to you, rather than something he did with you), lots of self reflection, counselling and reassessing whether it's sensible to stay in your job mental health wise if this is how you still are seven months on.

I think you want him to declare he was wrong, stupid and does love you so that you can then reject him and that would mean you reclaimed control / dignity in your head and get closure.

In reality if he did that it would all start back up again as it's clear from your posts how invested you still are in him emotionally.

You unblocked him. That isn't no contact, not really. You did it to get a reaction from him, whether that reaction was going to be a message or just him feeling regretful. That doesn't count as no contact.

So if you block him today then this is no contact day one. Better late than never - do it on all platforms and mean it.

@Dollyrocket I had no idea I would ever be looking for validation or why but my childhood was very rocky.
Dad has an affair, mum had a horrific temper, always on eggshells, dad not much better.
Have no happy childhood memories. Remember mum standing at the top of the stairs and swallowed a tube of pills infront of me, drinking straight vodka. Bringing random men back to the house and shagging them in front of me. Violence, shouting you name it.
It was horrific.
I love my parents but I find it hard being in their company even though now they are happy and content. I struggle to look them in the eye.
I always felt second best to the drama. I hated it.
So I guess that’s why I’m messed up in the head. Although I can’t connect why any of that contributes towards me being in this gastly situation.
My daughters dad was a gambling addict who lied and cheated on me, disappeared for weeks on end.
He’s a well known conman now. Go me

I actually saw him today, he parked up next to me at work and we got out of our cars at the same time and I didn’t look at him and I pretty much bolted it, sped walked away from home to get away. I don’t think he was gonna talk to me but I think he wants to make eye contact. There’s been a few times I’ve accidentally caught eyes with him and we both stare for a few seconds with no expression.
I felt bad for running away today, I actually felt bad for potentially hurting his feelings. After him rejecting me and using me, I felt bad.

I know I sound like I’m painting myself the victim. Actually, I know how stupid I’ve been and I’ve allowed him to use me. I stuck around after he hurt me and I know I wouldn’t be crying and hurting if he didn’t reject me. So I know I’m not the victim here. I’m just hurt.

I recommend trying a different counsellor/therapist- some are better than others or it can take a few goes to find someone that suits you.

So I guess that’s why I’m messed up in the head. Although I can’t connect why any of that contributes towards me being in this gastly situation.

It sounds tacky but I would say maybe partly low self esteem. You deserve better than this and anyone who doesn't treat you well can fuck off! Block him again on absolutely everything, you'll feel better for it. Get angry/angrier.

He is playing with your emotions and getting an ego boost from your reaction when he is close .
Sounds like a big age gap between you .
I think you are being very naive in not seeing the game he is playing and has played with you.
Get a new job
stop being made a fool off .
stop wasting your precious life on thinking about him .
he really is an utter c**t

the sooner you wise up the better im embarrassed for you and rather angry on your behalf

wise up!

@spudlike1 yes fifteen year age gap, guess who is the young one

I know, I need to wise up. I’m not even going to look up in his vicinity at work and show him I don’t want anything to do with him. I think he deliberately try’s to make eye contact, maybe he can tell by my face that I’m all riled up with it all.

I should have kept him blocked but I don’t want to keep blocking and unblocking. I just want to be passive. Like I don’t care?
Plus, I will be honest that when I’ve had a great day out or I’m doing something great with my time I want to feature it on social media like two fingers up to him I guess. But then I guess that means I’m emotionally attached doesn’t it.
I can’t take back anything and I have to continue to be mortified by the whole thing because he knows he rejected me, he knows I cried infront of him and told him I loved him like some pathetic loser. And he used me and I let him.

sorry to be so harsh , you know you have low self esteem and lack confidence through past experiences from childhood etc etc . Focus on your self and your daughter , what do you need to change so as not to pass this on to her. Stop being distracted by this stupid man , focus on you and what you need , read books, watch you tube educate yourself , for the benefit of your daughter if not for your self. Work out what the real issues are that need to be addressed
This man is a distraction a cunt and a utter waste of your time, he brings zero benefit to your life , apart from highlighting that you have work to do on your self. Walk tall , walk past him and move on .

No, this is not a trauma bond. Trauma bonds take time and close proximity to form. It doesn't sound like you've had anywhere enough contact for that.

You have simply been manipulated by a nasty character. It is also perfectly possible to be in lust with someone you dont actually like as a person.