Emotionally Neglected by Parents?

[AppleDoesntFallFarFromTheTree]

Hi all

Was anyone else emotionally neglected by their parents/caregivers as a child and is now suffering with the long term issues this has presented as an adult?

I’ve been reading lots into this topic for the last couple of years while I’ve been coming to terms with it all, but I was wondering if anyone else has any similar experiences that they are willing/happy to share?

I grew up with my mum, dad, older sister and younger brother and from the outside looking in I’m sure we looked like the perfect family ‘unit’ - my dad had a well paid job working Monday-Friday and my mum stayed at home to run the house. We lived in a nice house, were well fed, well clothed, holidayed once a year and didn’t really want for anything materialistically at all.

The problems I face now as an adult have stemmed from the emotionally lacking side of my childhood instead of physical neglect, specifically where my mum was concerned.

My mum was always ‘there’ in the house with us, but she was never present or engaged in us as children at all. She never spoke to us other than to state that dinner was on the table or it was time to go to bed etc. She never had a conversation with us. She never asked about our days or how we were. She never played with us. She never hugged, cuddled, kissed or showed any sort of physical affection towards us. She was just there, in the same house as us, silently cooking or cleaning or staring into space drinking a cup of tea.

I don’t have a single happy memory of her. She barely even features in my childhood memories as she was so distant and disengaged the entire time. All I remember is so desperately craving love and attention from her, until I became a teenager and then my strategy shifted to rebelling against her to try and force some love and attention out of her that way.

As an adult I am now having to live with the effects of my emotionally neglected childhood. I have very low self esteem and confidence, depend much too heavily on others for my self validation/happiness, cling to anyone that shows me love and affection (this has resulted in having toxic partners, very intense female friendships, etc) and I now have uncontrollable resentment towards my mum.

I understand that my mum was probably going through things herself (PND has been discussed with my dad, so I don’t think she ever really ‘bonded’ with us as she should have), but I’m really struggling to mange the uncontrollable resentment I feel towards her now.

Anyone else?

I don’t think anybody who has posted is talking about feeling the want of a perfect mother or father so I’m not quite sure what you are basing your observations on.
I agree up to a point that each generation will have a bone to pick with their parents perceived shortcomings but hopefully along side of that there is a recognition that there was love and good things as well. In some cases such as a couple of posts on here the mother/father has no redeeming qualities and this can have a huge negative impact in my view.

There's a difference between "70s" parenting and emotionally neglectful parenting.

Yes, in the 70s you probably got a smack sometimes when you wouldn't now, you were probably told to Go Out And Play much more than we do, and perhaps there were fewer scheduled activities and generally less of a sense that Kids Always Come First, than there is now.

But for most people mums and dads were still affectionate, interested in school progress and making sure you did you music practice and your homework, giving you a good present on your birthday and a good party, making sure you knew what woudl happen when you started your period, being friendly and welcoming to your friends and if you tripped and fell/your friend fell out with you/your bf dumped you, they were there to pick up the pieces.

That is a world away from neglectful parently.

Apple, I could have written your post. I have been feeling quite alone, thinking how was it that I came to have a mother like that and always turning it around on me, that I was to blame.

Like you, I have no single good memory of spending ANY time with her like I do with my own dcs. The only thing it has done is made me a better mother (not perfect by any means). We are now estranged, although I did try to reconcile with her earlier this year but she has made no move to return this gesture. I have to let her go and I'm awaiting therapy which has been delayed due to covid.

As an adult I am now having to live with the effects of my emotionally neglected childhood. I have very low self esteem and confidence, depend much too heavily on others for my self validation/happiness, cling to anyone that shows me love and affection (this has resulted in having toxic partners, very intense female friendships, etc) and I now have uncontrollable resentment towards my mum.

This. I am constantly looking for a mother figure and usually there is someone who sort of fits the bill but eventually they drift out of my life for reason or another. I grieve for the mother I never had but I can't grieve fully because she is still alive. On top of this my father was often physically abusive and because of the abuse and emotional absence (from both parents) I think I struggled to connect with my peers. Everything looked normal from the outside but my school reports state frequently that I was too reserved/didn't speak up etc. In some ways I think I have given up on people but need people too and long for connectedness. One thing I am doing is trying to do some inner child work - being kinder to myself, this is a revelation.

My self esteem is through the floor. I have awful anxiety, I have tried to control for years. I remain in a relationship that whilst isn't entirely bad, is not satisfying on most levels because I am co-dependent (and dependent on finance). I'm trying to make the most of life by finding out a bit more about me and following my interests and trying to take better care of myself.

I'm sorry you share similar experiences but it is reassuring to discover that I am not the only one.

@pallasathena I didn't want my Mum to be perfect but I did want one who didn't slap me, scream at me or pull me up the stairs by my hair. I wanted a Mum who I could talk to, who was interested in my life, my school work and that cared about me. It's hard to put into words but the emotional neglect has affected me much more than the physical. So many posts on this thread resonate with me, the one about not being able to ask for pads/tampons and using loo roll was something I hadn't thought about for a long time but I nearly cried when I read it.
My self confidence was massively affected by my upbringing and I tend to give up on things too quickly which I believe stems from not having supportive and encouraging parents.
I often felt invisible and sad.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a different Mum. I have said to Dh I wish I had your Mum(she's lovely).
It is what it is though. I don't dwell on it but this thread just made me want to post.
I suppose I could thank her for two things, I developed my own personal style which I love(unusual hair, make up and clothes) to stop myself from feeling invisible, if that makes sense.
When I had my children I tried to do everything I could to parent them with respect, interest in their lives and above all affection and love.
No one is ever a perfect parent and perhaps my kids may have issues with some aspects of their upbringing but they know they are loved, cared for and listened to. They are hugged and I tell them I love them. I hope I gave them a happy childhood.

Yes, I cried about this today. I had an argument with DP which brought it a back. So many choices in life I've made being blind through trauma. In fact I don't think I really even consciously made them, I made them through compulsion. All my relationships without fail have been shit. I have some long term friends thankfully but we go in and out of contact. I haven't had a friendship group since secondary school.

In the last 10 years I've managed to learn and gain a great deal of knowledge about myself. Becoming a parent made me furious with my mother because it made me see how much my mother never truly loved me. She says she did and does, and I believe she believes it. But she is so damaged she is incapable of real love.

One of the things that hurts a lot is the complete lack of advice about anything. All my life she would look on amused as I made mistakes, or berate me for them, without ever guiding me.

I battle with this all frequently. I want her out of my life tbh but it's going to create a shitstorm and I'm not sure I can be arsed with it.

I was
My mother always drank to excess (she was a single mum so the only constant I had). Always telling me and my sister she didn’t want to be here, confiding in us about her break ups with men, storming out of the house and not returning for hours on end when things got too much, drink driving us.
My father wrote a letter to say he didn’t want to see us ever again when me and my sister were about 6 and 7. I felt abandonment and a sense of responsibility like I couldn’t ever confide in my mum or be sad because she was too weak to deal with my problems along with hers.
I repressed so much and became a people pleaser as a result of this. My relationships suffer, especially friendships. I always feel like I’m never the close friend of anyone and I can’t establish deep connections although I crave them. It’s like my inner feelings don’t match my exterior and people often say I’m cold but inside I’m far from that, I’m actually vulnerable and wish to be understood.
I have a DD and I did suffer PND as I think I found the idea of the weight of the responsibility quite triggering because I’ve always felt responsibility in a negative way. I’ve had counselling for this which has helped massively and made me understand myself and I love my DD so much.
I am very tactile with her and loving and want her to feel like she can confide in me when she’s older. My mum could not ever (and still can’t) handle any kind of emotional conversation. She totally shuts down and just doesn’t respond and the feelings that brought up for me when I was younger were so difficult to deal with and I never want that for my child. I thank god I had an amazing counsellor I know some people aren’t so lucky! Sorry you have all been through such hard times x

The two major events that fucked me up the most which I have purposely left out because it makes me so sick we’re when she started shagging my primary school teacher and I heard all the other mums discussing her and then she started sleeping with her own cousin and my friends mum saw them walking holding hands and then all my friends started asking why my mum holds hands with her cousin. It makes me feel physically sick writing that but I’ve actually never said it to anyone and it’s freeing to get it off my chest albeit so uncomfortable. Haven’t even discussed those events with my counsellor because it brings so much shame.

@Claireshep that must have felt incredibly unsafe seeing your mother behaving like that when you were a child. That shame isn’t yours to bear, you were powerless. It sounds like she was quite desperate for love but had very weak boundaries. It was her responsibility, her choice. She let you down.

I’m always interested to read comments from posters who are drawn to threads like these only to comment that we should not judge our parents. I think looking for answers about ourselves causes us to examine the relationship and most of the time we feel a lot of shame and humiliation that maybe we weren’t a good enough child, which is often what we were told. Children aren’t responsible for the choices and behaviour of their parents.

It also makes me think that the poster may have things they can’t face looking at in their own life.