There's no alternative but to end it is there?

[WTFshouldido2020]

I've NC so I can provide full details in here.

I'm married, been together 8y, & have 2 DS. They are 4&5. 5yo has behavioural issues-suspected ADHD.

My DH had a toxic childhood, mine not much better. Over the past 2y he has become more angry with our children. He's moody, can lash out with his tongue & has grabbed/poked the children when telling off. (I don't agree with physical punishment & have made that clear)

My 5yo is pretty challenging, particularly bad in lockdown. He hits, screams, throws stuff when he has a meltdown. So understandably this places a strain on us & quite frankly it makes every day difficult & draining, but he needs us to be calm with him. The other day he said he was scared of my DH. My other DS said he doesn't like it when my husband poked him the other day.

But my DH's behaviour isn't on & I can't see any alternative but to separate?

(For my sins I love him & feel sick at the thought of not being with him)

Or maybe your child has developmental trauma from growing up with your husband's abuse. Both children have clearly been harmed by the last two years of increased abuse.

Maybe have a look at the section of the Freedom Programme about how children are affected by living in an environment like this and how they recover once it is ended.

You're right. You need to end it.

You will grieve. It will be shit for a while because there is damage to sort it and then you will heal and start moving forward.

Have you spoken to your husband about this? Would he be willing to go to counselling?

@user1456324865563

Or maybe your child has developmental trauma from growing up with your husband's abuse. Both children have clearly been harmed by the last two years of increased abuse.

Maybe have a look at the section of the Freedom Programme about how children are affected by living in an environment like this and how they recover once it is ended.

You're right. You need to end it.

You will grieve. It will be shit for a while because there is damage to sort it and then you will heal and start moving forward.

I'm aware of the freedom programme & the majority doesn't fit him.

But I'm not denying the impact on the kids regardless. I have considered it may 'just' be trauma for my DS but there are other factors which suggest ADHD. However I am interested to see what impact us separating would have on my DS.

Thanks

@Aquamarine1029

Have you spoken to your husband about this? Would he be willing to go to counselling?

A month or so ago yes. We haven't done counselling-he night agree but I'm skeptical as to whether he will change?

I firmly believe that we protect our kids at all costs. It's not fair for a child to be brought up in an angry, toxic household and will lead to them having emotional issues themselves as they grow up.

However in this case I'm not sure separation is the answer especially if you love him and he's otherwise a good man. Can't you focus your energy onto helping him get the support and perhaps therapy he needs to recover? Because whether you separate or not he will still be the dc dad and he'll still see them and presumably act this way only without you there to mediate.

If he is abusive in other ways, refuses to see he has a problem or crosses boundaries with the kids where you truly believe he is a danger then the only alternative is to think about whether his contact should continue. But hopefully it won't come to that.

I think a lot of discussion is needed here first,

@Patbutcherismyhero

I firmly believe that we protect our kids at all costs. It's not fair for a child to be brought up in an angry, toxic household and will lead to them having emotional issues themselves as they grow up.

However in this case I'm not sure separation is the answer especially if you love him and he's otherwise a good man. Can't you focus your energy onto helping him get the support and perhaps therapy he needs to recover? Because whether you separate or not he will still be the dc dad and he'll still see them and presumably act this way only without you there to mediate.

If he is abusive in other ways, refuses to see he has a problem or crosses boundaries with the kids where you truly believe he is a danger then the only alternative is to think about whether his contact should continue. But hopefully it won't come to that.

I think a lot of discussion is needed here first,

Thanks for tour balanced advice. I'm not someone who thinks LTB is the solution to every relationship issue.

Him getting help & changing would be what I would hope to happen. He's not necessarily bad but just a product of his upbringing. However that does make me want to break the cycle for my sons-toxic masculinity has a lot to answer for IMO.

But I also know you can't force someone to change. And I don't know whether he needs to move out whilst any counselling/'changing' is happening.

I feel a bit as if I don't draw a line under the things my kids have said in past few days what kind of mother am I?
(One who was brought up by an alcoholic father with a temper & a mother who was more interested in living the high life he provided than me. This only makes me hate myself more that I might be perpetuating the same cycle)

Hi @WTFshouldido2020 just wanted to say in relation to your son, my son was suspected of having ADHD at 5 and was displaying some challenging behaviour but when he was seeing again at 6 he was diagnosed with autism. The sensory issues related to autism can look like ADHD as the child reacts to stimulus that they can't cope with. I was totally unprepared for this diagnosis and spent a few years going on training courses in looking into it. There are some really good strategies out there and once you get your head round it relationships improve and life gets easier.

with regard to your partner it is unacceptable that he is physical with the children and I'm not surprised it makes you feel uncomfortable. My soon-to-be ex always struggled with my son and their relationship has never been brilliant. at first he didn't accept the diagnosis and wouldn't discuss with me how to deal with things or strategies. He is a bit better these days but they had real difficulties. My son is now 15 and is absolutely awesome and copes with life brilliantly. He is about to take his GCSEs and is a lovely young man.

I hope you are able to get some real life support, good luck x

Would it be possible your H also has ADHD? My H has just been diagnosed with it. His anger had gotten out of control so I made him go for assessment.

@3gingerboys

Hi *@WTFshouldido2020* just wanted to say in relation to your son, my son was suspected of having ADHD at 5 and was displaying some challenging behaviour but when he was seeing again at 6 he was diagnosed with autism. The sensory issues related to autism can look like ADHD as the child reacts to stimulus that they can't cope with. I was totally unprepared for this diagnosis and spent a few years going on training courses in looking into it. There are some really good strategies out there and once you get your head round it relationships improve and life gets easier.

with regard to your partner it is unacceptable that he is physical with the children and I'm not surprised it makes you feel uncomfortable. My soon-to-be ex always struggled with my son and their relationship has never been brilliant. at first he didn't accept the diagnosis and wouldn't discuss with me how to deal with things or strategies. He is a bit better these days but they had real difficulties. My son is now 15 and is absolutely awesome and copes with life brilliantly. He is about to take his GCSEs and is a lovely young man.

I hope you are able to get some real life support, good luck x

I wouldn't be entirely surprised if ASD was diagnosed for my DS. He is VERY defiant & needs to be in control. I've seen ODD & PDA & wouldn't be surprised if he was also diagnosed with something like that. He also has sensory issues & should be having an OT assessment but who knows when that will happen.

Thanks for you my input. Their relationship is painful to watch, which is my husband's responsibility entirely. My DS can be difficult but he is also amazing & I couldn't love him more.

Also, thanks for telling me about your son. When you have a child with suspected AN the future can feel terrifying. (I have visions of him being in prison anxiety to the max). So it's lovely to hear positive stories

@NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5

Would it be possible your H also has ADHD? My H has just been diagnosed with it. His anger had gotten out of control so I made him go for assessment.

No, I really don't think so. Maybe ODD but not ADHD.