What Do You Make Of This?

[MusicSchool]

Name changed for this.

A woman in her 30s came to stay with me just before lockdown, from the beginning I would make an afford to cook and invite her to dine with me. She brought nothing to the table, ate, drunk and then went off to bed without offering to help to clean up. I stopped that after 4 invites. She does her own thing, pay me minimum rent.

She does not talk to me unless she wants something, then she is extra nice. I have observed this without saying anything to her. If I do not say hello, she will just ignore me, but I always say good morning etc. No drama, I hate drama. I used to be a people pleaser, not anymore. She like playing games, which I ignore, it's like she want to start an argument but I have never fell for it.

The last time she invited her friends over - they took over the lounge and the kitchen and the friends stay till 11 pm. So, she told again about the friends visiting today. We had agreed not to invite friends due to contact tracing, I do not want to have so many people visiting the house during a pandemic. She asked me if contact tracing has stopped, knowing well that it's still in force.

Am I being unreasonable?

Who is this woman? Lodger girlfriend mother? Why is she staying with you

Is she a lodger, a tenant, friend??

She is renting my room

She sounds ungrateful and selfish and doesn't value you. Whether she's just a friend or girlfriend I wouldn't be asking her round again.

In that case, she needs to pay for her own food and cook it and respect your home by not inviting friends over late. Ask her to leave it's too much

YANBU. Ban her from having randoms in the house (in the garden is ok) as she shouldn't be putting your life at risk of COVID.

It does sound a little like at first you thought she owed you something more than money for staying maybe. I know some people would want company from someone renting a room, but most lodgers just rent a room, they don't eat with the person etc.

are you in the same room? Does she have a rental agreement?

She has never used the garden. I don't think she would want to be in the garden. It's a cook in with her friends with wine and desserts.

There were other issues which I had to address personally. She never cleans the kitchen after cooking or put dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I clean the kitchen every day, so she has no choice but to clean up after herself. ( I am an early riser, she sleeps till midday sometimes!)

Not the same room, the same house with a big garden.

It's just her and myself.

OK so she is a lodger. Give her a list of non-negotiable rules, and if she refuses to comply with them, kick her out.

It sounds like a lodging arrangements that just hasn't worked out then. Time to give notice (assuming she has an agreement of sone sort)

This isn't working for you, is it? I would give her notice immediately.

@MyOwnSummer, thank you. I will ask her to leave once the pandemic is under control. I am not sure of what to make of her attitude. Sometimes she won't even respond to me greeting her. Yet when she told me that her friends were coming over, she could not stop talking and being friendly.

I was further taken back as I thought the friends were arriving in the afternoon for late lunch or dinner and then leaving. They were here from around 9.30 am till 11 pm. I think it's about not having empathy - we are in lockdown during a pandemic and you invite people to stay for that long.

Is it your house or are you subletting? Either way sounds like you just need to ask her to move out. Have you got an agreement?

You also sound a little odd in that you expected company and that she just ate then went off to bed. If she is a lodger then she is paying to rent your room not to keep you company. Is English your first language? This might be a cultural clash.

@Nicegem, From the beginning, I was only trying to be kind towards her. As I said, I stopped inviting her. It was not that I needed the company.

My issues are the fact that she won't respond to polite greetings. Where I live, people say hello to strangers streets in the streets - it's just polite.

What I don't like is inconsistency. If a person is bad then they should be bad all the time or good all the time. It does not cost anything to be polite.

If you want to understand people then watch their patterns, not words. When she wants something, she is nice and then once she got what she wants, she is back to her normal self ignoring till the next time.

It's not about culture. It's just selfishness.

You are acting like a people-pleaser here, OP. Tell her to go now; you don't have to wait until lockdown has finished. That could be several months away and your chance of being infected is greatly increased by living with her.