So fed up

[StarsShineBrightly]

I need a rant! Sorry it's long.

Husband has adhd and depression. Generally I keep everything together and ticking over, sometimes I get ill and he just can't cope.

I've got a stomach bug, nothing serious but I feel rotten. Asked him to get kids (8&10) ready and do the school run. He agrees, but then just gets cross because the kids aren't cooperating. One has ADHD and the other probably has it. I've tried saying that if you wander off for a half hour shit they are going to get distracted and won't make their own breakfast, get dressed etc etc without reminders.

In the end I'm up, sorting stuff, getting them moving and he's just huffing saying he's useless, they don't listen to him. They don't listen to me i just make sure I'm very present with lots of reminders. The mornings are very hard work with them.

Then he says he's going to jump off a bridge. I'm really cross at this point. I didn't think it was a real threat but I asked him not to say that in front of the kids. He kept on tho. It was anger, he wasn't threatening himself but I was very cross at him saying that so I asked him if I needed to call the police.

He text to say he'd dropped them and was calming down then he'd come back. He's back, said I love you to me and gone to sleep.

I really need to get across to him that he can't say stuff like that.

They've been back for a few weeks, he normally just sleeps while I do everything in the morning with them and then go to work. This is the first day I've asked for help in months.

I am so sorry this sounds like a very difficult situation. Is your husband on any medication to help with ADHD? I do understand their behaviour patterns as have been around someone with ADHD like your husband. Although the medication made him tune out a bit it did help with the stressful situations. Finally, what support are you getting outside the home with 3 people within it with this condition? You must get to breaking point on occasions. When you husband gets irrational I doubt he will sink in what you are saying to him about not talking about jumping off the bridge. Is he receptive when calm? I do hope you are getting support for you and you only with coping strategies and mental health strategies.

Thank you. Not much support really. Have good parents and friends but not seen them much recently!

He's just got meds, i think he's anxious about starting them.

He will cry later or get defensive when I bring it up. I just find myself pulling away and not being very supportive because I'm cross and fed up.

I am not surprised you pull away dealing with this. I hope he starts taking the meds, you will see a change in the way he behaves on them. Gently support him to take them. See how it goes. Perhaps not speak about jumping off the bridge later and use your energy to get him to take the meds instead. I feel for you x

Thanks,

We've spoken, he feels bad. He has now at least contacted our local iapt and has an appt next week.

Fingers crossed he'll start the ADHD meds tomorrow.

It’s such a hard position to be in. You’re fully right, he cannot say things like that around the children and now he has apologised, he also needs to apologise to the children and explain his thought process and feeling that happened to make him say that, so they understand his emotions and understand it’s not something they should ever say, think or feel, but that if they do they must talk to you- just like dad did.
My husband has been suicidal at times and by the third time of him going ‘missing’ I’d had enough, said how selfish it was, how unfair and that it was unacceptable. Each time I had left messages stating what would happen when, eg at 5.30 I will call your mum. At 6.30 I will call the police. The first time police were called, but the next two times (over 5 years) he got into contact before the police were involved. These boundaries have worked for us, and he has taken medication much more seriously since I confronted the issue with the view of, if something happened to me- you couldn’t survive. That was the turning point for us. It’s scary to start meds, but it can be LIFE CHANGING! It could change everything for him, and there for for you. I hope it gets better x

Yes, i think my asking if I should call the police prompted him to think a bit and send me the text.

I was very clear that it wasn't an appropriate thing to say no matter how angry or upset he was. He can obviously talk to me if he really feels that way, but he can't just shout it out in anger/ impulsively.

He also has to do something about his depression. He said he felt useless, but he's not doing anything which is just emphasising that feeling. His last therapist told him that he needs to do stuff. It's so infuriating to watch him doing nothing to help himself.