I am in need of the biggest handhold to get out of the situation I am in

[SuperlativeScrubs]

I am in an abusive relationship. Tonight I am cutting all ties and hiding away where he won't find me. I have taken all social media offline and abandoned others with the exception of Mumsnet (which he doesn't know about). I am even changing my personal email which is hard because so much goes through there.

Please help me. I can't go back.

@leopardprintlara I was very nearly kept in this mans country and isolated in the early days when I had gone to stay with him. And somehow i still stayed in contact and in the relationship and feel very embarrassed about staying after everything that happened in the time I was staying with him. I am so glad you got out

Massive well done from me for taking the first step of the rest of your life.

I'm assuming you've changed your phone number etc. Stay strong every time you wobble, remember exactly why you've done this. Even if there was no 'final' straw, sometimes it can take a long time to recognise when you are being killed by a thousand cuts.

Stay safe, where you are, but please reach out to one person in real life. Even if a friend, not family. Real life support is invaluable at a time like this. But also please keep posting here if it helps.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Be proud of yourself for getting out.

You are a bloody legend! You don't need a handhold. You need applaus for what you did. And a pat on the back for being so brave. And admiration thrown at you for deciding to live your life free and in peace. With so many beautiful things on the horizon to look forward to. I bow to you op. For doing what you did ❤️

Bloody well done @SuperlativeScrubs Im not sure if this is a thing but will you need a new google account, if he had access to it and the location side of it, or find my phone or anything like that he could find you on.

Well done you! Amazing woman. Wishing you the very, very best in life from here on in 🌻🌻🌻

Well done OP. The life you deserve will be closer now. Take care and I hope this will be a distant memory soon x

Don’t be embarrassed, these people are clever and manipulative. Well done on getting out.

Godspeed OP🦋🙏

It is great you have moved away.

Have you kept any mutual friends in common? It is easier if not, but if you have you will have to not share information on your present address.

Could he contact people you know - you could explain to them first so he doesn't lie to them or pester them?

Can you keep some online things live to run concurrently that you do not access so that he thinks that those are your only/real accounts? Or is that risky? Eg an email that only junk goes to?

Delete your deleted and then delete again. Do you think he has remote access to your computer or phone? A reset is probably the only way to stop that. Could he have put a keylogger on it? WiFi - don't forget to change your password. It's probably not relevant but I would literally lock down every step between me and the digital world.

If you think he's going to turn up at any point buy cctv for outside and inside your home - the police can use cctv footage, they can't use your word.

And for trauma check out EMDR. It looks completely strange but works for ptsd.

Good for you @SuperlativeScrubs
Right now I am secretly abandoning my current online accounts to cut all online ties to him (social media and forums etc) and making new ones. Reasons may become clear later on as it all develops.
Your bank account(s) OP? Change the security password (even if you think he doesn't know it) to something unique to you which he won't be able to guess. Make it hard to guess but easy for you to remember. Add a mix of special characters, numbers and capital letters.

If you work outside the home: let your HR/Payroll department know to pay your salary into your separate, personal account and not the joint account.

Switch off location on your smartphone. Do you have tracker on your car - can you turn it off?

Redirect your mail online. Google search Post Office Online Mail redirection. It takes 5 days to become effective.

If he knows (or he might know) your credit/debit card number and CVV (the 3 numbers in the back of your card) talk to your bank and explain the situation and see if they'll issue you a new card to your NEW address and stop the other card. Or See if they'll allow you to collect the new card at a brach local to your new address - ensure you bring good photo ID, eg Passport and/or driving license.

They'll ask you some security questions to ensure it's actually you they're speaking to including two or three transactions over your account and two or three parts to your "memorable" security info. Check you draw out enough cash and pay for anything urgent online before you do this though.

Withdraw at least 50% from any joint bank account before the other person makes it inaccessible to you.

Change your access to all shopping sites. Add 2nd layer security if possible - eg if you try and log into a shopping site you'd need to provide your mobile number and an access code would be sent to you so you can access your account.

Clear your browsing history if not already done. For further searches use the private or encrypted search which should auto clear (but double check) at the end of your session.

Good luck! 🌹

You taken the hardest step, take a day at a time and keep going. Massive hug well done.

I think the first step is admitting to yourself you have to do something and then the next and biggest and bravest step is to leave. Well done you.

No matter what he says do not go back for the sake of your children if not yourself

Good luck. Was going to say check location settings on your phone but Happynow's post is really comprehensive.

I went through all my emails and wrote a list of all the ones o needed to change the address for accounts. There were so many.

Does he know your home address OP?

Can you get a ring doorbell and cameras put up at the front and back door?

Also change any google login on google maps in case he's tracking you.

Well done OP.

It is actually quite a scary thought just how many ways we can be traced these days, technology is great, but there so many things to have to change.

Just a thought is to write everything out. Even use this thread as a reference, if you begin to waiver at any point, its is always good to have something in black and white to look back at. I am not implying you will, but it does happen, it did to me. I had written him a "letter" which i never intended on sending but it just gave me something to look back on as my mind was playing games with me at one point, I was seemed to forget a lot of the traumatic parts.

Onwards and upwards now OP. Be happy in your new home and in your new life

Oh good point about the cards! I have cancelled all but one bank card (need it for shopping) and stuck money in the savings account to filter in as I need it.

I have a Ring doorbell on order, changed all passwords and location settings. He wasn't due to be over here for a long time (and has never actually been in the UK) so I am hoping he goes quietly.

@Vodkacranberryplease that is exactly what I am doing, so it looks like I am "still there" and he doesn't hunt out any of my new accounts.

Thank you @isthismylifenow I have actually woken up wavering this morning. I have to keep going this time though, because I can't live with the anxiety anymore.

Sorry I can't reply to you all individually but I do value all your support and advice

We're here for when you waver OP, that's exactly what this thread should be for you, somewhere to come in your weaker moments (we all have them) so we can help you strengthen that resolve to stay away. This is the hardest bit, if you can just get through this first stage without going back it will get easier, hang in there

Hello all.

I am sad to say I was weak and went back to him. Despite going back I had my guard up and haven't given him any passwords, bank details, etc. The only thing he knows is my address.

I have broken up with him again and this time I am not going to go back. His promises of change, shock horror, never materialised and I got hurt again. I actually don't feel anything this time. I'm not crying, don't feel tempted to unblock him. I think when I went back last time I continued to mourn us and now I am over it?

After I got back with him I actually did a lot of the things suggested here. @HollowTalk I deleted everything in my emails - sent, received and drafts, deleted all messages from him on every meduim. all the pictures I had. I literally deleted him from my life before we were even over again.

Hoping this feeling continues into tomorrow and onwards. I am lucky this time I have some support irl as after last time I actually made an effort to make friends at work - something I wasn't allowed before!

Oh, sweetheart I've just read through the entire thread, I'm so glad you kept your guard up when you went back. You're not the first to think they'll change this time, you won't be the last. I hope that having RL friends will make all the difference for you this time. They can help you to see things as they really are. Keep safe, keep your friends close, you can do this.

Please don't forget to factory reset phone and if poss new number plus your actual lap top if you can have it screened for spyware. A friend 2 yrs after having left ex realised he had full access to her emails due to spyware on laptop - so even though she changed emails etc it was all fed through to him.

Please make sure you have disabled the location aspect to your electrical devices. I know someone who was tracked down because he was able to locate her remotely by using certain software to keep tabs on her. He was stupid enough to let this slip and i was able to pass this information on to her. Please stay safe and i truly hope that you can find happiness and peace of mind.