I'll try and keep this brief as I feel i'm just repeating myself all the time.
Dp suffered a breakdown after the death of his dad 4 years ago. it wasn't diagnosed as such, but myself and all his family have agreed. he has changed beyond all recognition. I no longer know the person who lives with me.
At this time I also lost my nan and my stepdad (both brought me up so were mum more like parents) I don't feel Ive grieved, Ive had to wake up each day putting on a brave face to look after our ds and go to work to pay the bills.
Dp left work through depression and ended up going back to university. During this time ds would sleep till noon possibly go to uni for a lecture and stay out 2/3 times a week with people off his course. Myself and ds just got on with things, the weekends would come and he would again sleep till noon. To cut a long story short I tried to regain some self confidence back in the last 2 years and started going to the gym in the evenings when ds was at home, he would constantly accuse me of having an affair at this point. There's so much more I could go into but suffice to say we hit rock bottom. His relationship with our son is awful when I compare it to his friends relationship's with their dads. They are always screaming and arguing at each other - they do make up but it's the arguing daily that sets my anxiety off.
At the beginning of lockdown we agreed he was going to get a job abroad, i'd stay here with ds and then covid hit so we've been stuck here, we've actually been getting along fine not arguing as much as before (which was constant).
In the last few weeks my anxiety has started to rise again, hes become worried about what to do for work as his course is now over, and I find myself still paying for everything and doing most of the housework while he does nothing. alongside this for the last 10 months we have alternated in sleeping in the bed, one night ill have it and hell take the couch, next night we swap over and I honestly dont know how I feel of the possibility we repair this somehow and I have to sleep next to him in the same bed again.
On paper id tell anyone else to walk away and start over. yet theres something about the unknown that absolutely terrifies me and I somehow have made myself feel at least im better off here with a roof over my head although I dont have my own bed.
would you say this is repairable at all? or do I need to grow up, admit defeat, get the fuck over it and move on with my life. I hate the fact hes had a breakdown and the knock on effect its had on the rest of my life. up until then we were sailing along talking about having another dc and now my whole future has just gone kaput.