I'm the other man

[Knottinghill]

So... gotta to share. It’s chewing on me if I’m honest. Don’t really have anyone to talk to about this, not really pub chat. Besides, the pubs are closed.

Single guy here - over last 3 - 4 years struck up a close friendship with a married work colleague - culminating in an intense emotional affair (meets, messages, that kinda thing). I know, I know - judgement is due I suppose. It’s pretty clear that her relationship was utter crappy, with lots of emotional abuse, manipulation and control from her fella - with her bestfriend aware of me and really kind and supportive of our relationship. Gaslighting has been talked about and I’m on the same page.

Recently, when push came to shove, she says that she can’t face bring herself to leave him - and basically sticking with it for her kids - her bestfriend is completely of the view he is abusive and she should leave him, and even her folks have suggested she leave too.

am at a complete loss to know what to do - break off all contact and leave her to it, or stay in contact as I believe that she’ll genuinely need my support when, undoubtedly, her marriage deteriorates to nothing? I know it sounds abit corny, but I do really care about her - whether she actually wants to be with me or not.

she said to me recently about the prospect of not speaking to me anymore that it would be like a part of her had died. Sad times.

Confusing.

[Strawberrycreamsundae]

@Knottinghill

Interesting day. So if I’m honest it stung even more today, thinking I’ve been strung along for the past couple of years with promises and pledges that were never real. So I gathered up the valentines cards, birthday cards, and other bits she’d sent me - and posted them to her address, marked for her husband.

You’re a 1st Class spiteful b.......d and as abusive as her husband.
I just hope she’s safe, no thanks to you.

[Vik81]

I just don't understand why you think you are the injured party?! You went into the relationship eyes wide open you knew it was an affair and you also knew that it might not end with you as a couple. She may have suggested that she wanted to be with you even on several occasions. But ultimately it's her life and she took the decision to end it with you. Yes that's upsetting but she had every right to end it if she wished. You don't own her.

And you had every right to be hurt by that decision. That's where it should have ended. You then took the decision to hurt her like she hurted you (even though she is 100% entitled to leave you if she wishes) so you threw a nuclear bomb in her home, which effects her safety, her home, her work. You get the satisfaction you absolutely wrecked someone's life. What a catch you are.

[museumadmission]

Oh and 'for the kids' is a half truth. It's never just for the kids. It's for fear of change, security, finances, intolerance of uncertainty, what will the neighbours think, etc etc This is NOT true. It is not at all true. There are a LOT of women out there now and throughout history who have stayed for the dc because to leave would be more dangerous,

OP her self preservation mode may have been literally to do with self preservation, honestly. What this is between you depends. She might fear that you would end up being as bad as her dh. I think if she wants you to move on then do, go out and enjoy life and see what happens, as you say be there for her if she needs you. Would she be happy if you moved on?

[GarlicMcAtackney]

Not bumping your own thread again, OP? 🤔

[museumadmission]

Oh dear god, you sent cards to her address? Ignore the second paragraph of my last post - you are beyond the pale. What a disgusting thing to do. That poor woman.

[Mydogisthebestest]

You’re awful.

[Vik81]

I just read the advice he was given from @vodkacranberryplease and @dery who told you exactly the risk and danger of sending her abusive husband information. You read their messages and YOU STILL DID IT!!!!

You make me sick.

[Stegasaurusmum]

I was about to post and say that I was the woman in this situation, 6 years of a growing friendship and eventually EA and I left, it took me 6 months but I did, I wrestled with it and its been horrible but we are going to try to make a go of it because we know we do have real feelings for each other... At no point did my AP put any pressure on me, he actually told me to try to make a go of things, he met someone, we were sepreate and NC for months to as llow me to be sure. He would have been happy for me if I was happy, because he loves me.
I was going to post that to support you... But that last post just shows what a hateful, horrible person you are. That poor woman, you had no right to drop that bomb into her life. My AP, and yes, clearly, we did wrong, we have no morals etc etc, but he would never do anything to risk me or my children's security or safety in that way, and my H has no history of abuse, its just a sad, loveless marriage.

[damnthatanxiety]

OP seems to have run away

[museumadmission]

OP you need to get that package back, do whatever is necessary.

Then LEAVE HER ALONE. Hopefully her friends and family will give her support.

The people on this thread accusing her of stringing him along and encouraging him to make trouble - you have no idea. Just no idea.

[Vik81]

1. You started an affair with a woman at work who you knew she was married.
2. It lasts a long while and during that time you find out her husband is abusive.
3. So much so her family and her best friend are deeply concerned about her.
4. So much so she is on antidepressants, which massively mess with your mind, emotions and decision making ability.
5. She ends it with you.
6. You set up a thread trying to get sympathy and advice.
7. Day later her husband finds out about you.
8. You are given lots of sympathy. You tell the world you are going to get revenge by sending photos, messages to her husband.
9. You are warned about the danger and risk of this to her.

10. You do it anyway.


I won't send anymore messages but when you spell it out in the cold light of day you realise what an abuser looks like and what is capable of doing.

[roundandsideways]

So glad that you broke up with her, because she would have jumped into one relationship with a controlling abusive man, into another with the same. What you've done is despicable. And serves no one but you and your own ego

[SeahorseSaddle]

Sorry I call bullshit on you wanting to send her H more info on your affair even though you apparently know for a fact he is abusive.

If you know someone is abusive - jeso even if you only suspected! - why on earth would you provide them with more ammo to use against their victim?

[SeahorseSaddle]

Oh god you actually did it?! Awful, awful behaviour! You may as well have cut the middleman out and just abused her yourself.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

I reckon it's some kind of wind up/reverse thread. Not ringing true for me.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Yep. Only thread posted by this user.

[CircleofWillis]

Were you the person who tipped off the husband in the first place? Did her failure to leave annoy you so much you needed to light a fire under her?

I agree with other posters that you need to warn her about the package coming her way and at least give her a chance to divert it.

You have not acted well here which leads to the conclusion that you are not a good person.

[looop]

I can't believe you've done this.
I was going to reply prior to your latest update.
I have a lot of empathy for her, being in an unhappy/abusive marriage is soul destroying. So many things will be swirling around her head, dealing with her depression. I'd be pretty sure, she does need help and support, so I was going to suggest not cutting yourself off completely.
But you've completely shot yourself in the foot with your latest move.
If you truly, truly cared about her/loved her/had feelings for her you would never purposely want to cause her pain. And that's exactly what you've done. Poor lady

[CistitisStings]

Sounds hairy-handed to me.

Should this be real, though, please intercept that package somehow, OP. You have a chance to mend something potentially catastrophic. Take it.

[pinkglove75318]

@Knottinghill

Interesting day. So if I’m honest it stung even more today, thinking I’ve been strung along for the past couple of years with promises and pledges that were never real. So I gathered up the valentines cards, birthday cards, and other bits she’d sent me - and posted them to her address, marked for her husband.

This was a major dick move. If she is in an abusive relationship you have made her life a million times harder.

[bringon2020]

One thing I've learnt: a woman in an abusive relationship can't get help from an affair, even it's only an emotional one, because the affair guy is probably abusive too - likely to be a bit less abusive, but also abusive.
An abused woman will keep getting hooked to abusive men, until she figures it out and fixes (heals) herself.
Been there, got the tshirt.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@bringon2020 I think that's exactly what happened here.

[bringon2020]

@vodkacranderryplease looks like. It reminds me a lot of what happened to me. In my case, EA guy dropped me when I needed him the most.
Now I'm single and working hard in healing myself so I can avoid these types in the future.
Hope the woman in question gets rid of both soon.