I'm the other man

[Knottinghill]

So... gotta to share. It’s chewing on me if I’m honest. Don’t really have anyone to talk to about this, not really pub chat. Besides, the pubs are closed.

Single guy here - over last 3 - 4 years struck up a close friendship with a married work colleague - culminating in an intense emotional affair (meets, messages, that kinda thing). I know, I know - judgement is due I suppose. It’s pretty clear that her relationship was utter crappy, with lots of emotional abuse, manipulation and control from her fella - with her bestfriend aware of me and really kind and supportive of our relationship. Gaslighting has been talked about and I’m on the same page.

Recently, when push came to shove, she says that she can’t face bring herself to leave him - and basically sticking with it for her kids - her bestfriend is completely of the view he is abusive and she should leave him, and even her folks have suggested she leave too.

am at a complete loss to know what to do - break off all contact and leave her to it, or stay in contact as I believe that she’ll genuinely need my support when, undoubtedly, her marriage deteriorates to nothing? I know it sounds abit corny, but I do really care about her - whether she actually wants to be with me or not.

she said to me recently about the prospect of not speaking to me anymore that it would be like a part of her had died. Sad times.

Confusing.

[SoulofanAggron]

I would let her husband know the truth of what she's like- he deserves to know.

[Knottinghill]

Interesting day. So if I’m honest it stung even more today, thinking I’ve been strung along for the past couple of years with promises and pledges that were never real. So I gathered up the valentines cards, birthday cards, and other bits she’d sent me - and posted them to her address, marked for her husband.

[Pomegranatemolasses]

And if her husband is actually abusive, you've just made the situation worse. Unless of course this is a complete work of fiction .

[Knottinghill]

Is all true. Sadly.

[Wantingtomoveonfromthis]

Wow. You have probably made her life even worse. I felt sad reading this as I am in an abusive and controlling relationship and it can feel almost impossible to leave. You should of left her but with kindness

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Unbelievable. What a spiteful cunt you are. She had a lucky escape as clearly you are cut from the same cloth as her husband.

[kissmysass]

Sounds like this woman has support from her parents, best friend and you..yet still won't leave.
Abusive or not, if she doesn't help herself first there's nothing anyone can do.
You're no angel for going with a married woman but at the end of the day she either stays with her husband or leaves to be with someone else. Its not a free pass to string someone else along if she has no intention of leaving her husband.

[Vik81]

I can't tell you enough how stupid and dangerous your last move was to her. It happened to someone very close to me. Had an affair because she was in a terrible relationship and didn't know how to get out. When she realised the affair wasn't the solution she broke up with both of them. It was the scariest time of her life. The person she had an affair with sent messages to the other. He was already abusing her, he went into an out of control rage and beat the hell out of her, made her homeless even though she paid the rent, she ended up spending two years in court to finally get rid of him.


Your moment of revenge could have severe and lasting consequences. You started by saying you cared for her and that was your motivation, but really you wanted her for yourself and when you couldn't have her you abused her. She owed nothing to you, she told you that it was an affair and she ended it. I hope the next woman who falls into your clutches you treat with respect. The shame was not the affair, they complex and messy, your shame is your unfounded revenge and the horrendous consequences it could cause.

[Aerial2020]

What a nasty bloke you are.
She's gone from one abusive guy to the next.
Hope she breaks free and finds space on her own.

[Aerial2020]

Your ego is obviously more important than her safety.
Maybe you target vulnerable women on purpose

[Fairenuff]

Jesus what the hell did you do that for? You know why women end up with abusive men in their lives - because they struggle to find decent ones. Some women have never met a man that was kind and trustworthy even when the chips are down. They don't even know they exist and you've just gone and proved that all over again. What you've done is emotional abuse. You are as bad as he is.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

OP I think you are also abusive. You are attention seeking - bumping this thread after you said you'd broken contact - what were you expecting?

And after clearly being told how dangerous it was you sent iron clad evidence to her abusive husband because you 'thought about it' and decided you'd been had. She didn't do what you wanted.

That screams entitlement, controlling and a total lack of empathy. It's all about you. You knew she was married but you still did it. She was being abused - you have no excuse other than no moral compass.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

[Vik81]

You need to undo the terrible thing you did today, the very least give her warning. If some how you can get that package back you need too. It's the very least you can do to attempt to fix the hell you have just caused.

[Groundhogdayzz]

I actually can’t believe you’ve done that to her. You have just made her life so much harder, and the chances of her gaining the strength to leave her husband are now massively reduced. Your hurting, she may have done wrong by you, but what have you gained from making her life worse?

[Wantingtomoveonfromthis]

The abuse will probably get so much worse for her now

[Happynow001]

@Knottinghill

Interesting day. So if I’m honest it stung even more today, thinking I’ve been strung along for the past couple of years with promises and pledges that were never real. So I gathered up the valentines cards, birthday cards, and other bits she’d sent me - and posted them to her address, marked for her husband.

That was really nasty of you and potentially dangerous for her. She really would be better rid of both of you.

[Lightline]

I hope her husband isn’t violent. That was an awful thing to do

[Wigglegiggle0520]

What @Vodkacranberryplease said

Unbelievable. What a spiteful cunt you are. She had a lucky escape as clearly you are cut from the same cloth as her husband.

Did you actually read anything from the posters urging you to understand what an abusive relationship is like??

[ZooKeeper19]

You look like a nice guy, you deserve someone who will give you 100%. Sad, but I'd say move on, in a nice way if possible.

You cannot save her. Only she can do that.

[borntohula]

Yeah, you're a fucking arsehole.

[Aerial2020]

A nice guy???
Blimey, he saw her as some sort of object to win
And when he didn't he was a shit.
Like to see how you define not a nice guy

[Pubertsmyfavename]

So you were having an affair for a long time and it just so happened the day after you posted about it on here the husband found out and you were going to throw her under the bus, then you weren't because you were a good guy and then you did?
If this is true you're a nasty piece of work. Truly nasty.

[LessCumbersome]

There is a lot of hurt here.

I beg you to warn her, to intercept. Something.

Abuse is something difficult to understand. If you ever loved her, do what you can to understand. Seriously. Do something .

[Aerial2020]

I mean how dare she not choose you? How dare she continue to be in an abusive relationship?
That's what this is about. The competition and your ego.
You dont care about her at all. Maybe stop preying on vulnerable women and stay single