I'm the other man

[Knottinghill]

So... gotta to share. It’s chewing on me if I’m honest. Don’t really have anyone to talk to about this, not really pub chat. Besides, the pubs are closed.

Single guy here - over last 3 - 4 years struck up a close friendship with a married work colleague - culminating in an intense emotional affair (meets, messages, that kinda thing). I know, I know - judgement is due I suppose. It’s pretty clear that her relationship was utter crappy, with lots of emotional abuse, manipulation and control from her fella - with her bestfriend aware of me and really kind and supportive of our relationship. Gaslighting has been talked about and I’m on the same page.

Recently, when push came to shove, she says that she can’t face bring herself to leave him - and basically sticking with it for her kids - her bestfriend is completely of the view he is abusive and she should leave him, and even her folks have suggested she leave too.

am at a complete loss to know what to do - break off all contact and leave her to it, or stay in contact as I believe that she’ll genuinely need my support when, undoubtedly, her marriage deteriorates to nothing? I know it sounds abit corny, but I do really care about her - whether she actually wants to be with me or not.

she said to me recently about the prospect of not speaking to me anymore that it would be like a part of her had died. Sad times.

Confusing.

[cockroachcrumble12]

Where has everyone gone ?

[FlaskMaster]

So she was in a relationship with 2 abusers then, nice! Goes to show what bullshit affairs really are though, doesn't it. All that romantic "we mean so much to each other, we just can't be together" bullshit. If you actually wanted to be together, you'd make it happen, but you don't, it's just a cringey shared fantasy. When push comes to shove, you throw each other under the bus without a second thought. That's not what people who care for each other do. That's what people who've been using each other for an ego boost and some wank fodder do. You've wasted the last several years on this bullshit. Move on and stay single or find someone who is single themself and build a real meaningful relationship.

[DucksInRowShitHotLawyerLTB]

You need to get your ducks in a row, find a shit hot lawyer and LTB!

[CircleofWillis]

knottinghill

I am just wondering at which point this:
am at a complete loss to know what to do - break off all contact and leave her to it, or stay in contact as I believe that she’ll genuinely need my support when, undoubtedly, her marriage deteriorates to nothing? I know it sounds abit corny, but I do really care about her - whether she actually wants to be with me or not.

turned into the third option of:
So if I’m honest it stung even more today, thinking I’ve been strung along for the past couple of years with promises and pledges that were never real. So I gathered up the valentines cards, birthday cards, and other bits she’d sent me - and posted them to her address, marked for her husband.

I really hope this isn't real. Mostly because I am terrified that someone who can present themselves as so sweet and concerned can turn into such an abuser in an instant. You will be equally responsible for anything that happens to your friend or her children as a result of your action.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Well with a bit of luck her husband will decide to take it up with the OP directly. Since his name is on all the cards etc..

It is very likely to backfire on him as you can be sure he won't get off scot free.

[Mittens030869]

This is one thread where I really hope it's a troll. If not, the OP is really despicable to put his lover at risk simply out of jealousy.

[MitziK]

Got to be made up.

Surely nobody would be so abusive as to risk a woman's life like that. Not if they ever had any sense of moral responsibility for another person's safety.


If true, well, let's just hope that he doesn't cross over the line into actual violence. Because it would come out that you instigated that out of jealousy.

[bringon2020]

Thanks @cistitisstings I learnt my lesson the hard way, hope can help some woman reading this to avoid this trap 😊

[Ihopeyourcakeisshit]

I thought you were a bit of an attention seeking knob when you bumped your thread, but actually you're a total twat.

[Fuckityfucksake]

She was an arsehole to have an affair but what you've just done, if true, is inexcusable!
She has dodged a whole hail of bullets by breaking it off with you. Hadn't you let your cunt mask slip with her before now? Whatever her husband now does is happening because of you.
At least she will now never wonder about the what ifs with you - she'll soon know you're just another dickhead.

[CistitisStings]

Even if (as I assume) this thread is all invented, there's something kind of useful about it in the reminder of this message:

a woman in an abusive relationship can't get help from an affair, even it's only an emotional one, because the affair guy is probably abusive too - likely to be a bit less abusive, but also abusive.

[bringon2020]

@vodkacranderryplease looks like. It reminds me a lot of what happened to me. In my case, EA guy dropped me when I needed him the most.
Now I'm single and working hard in healing myself so I can avoid these types in the future.
Hope the woman in question gets rid of both soon.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@bringon2020 I think that's exactly what happened here.

[bringon2020]

One thing I've learnt: a woman in an abusive relationship can't get help from an affair, even it's only an emotional one, because the affair guy is probably abusive too - likely to be a bit less abusive, but also abusive.
An abused woman will keep getting hooked to abusive men, until she figures it out and fixes (heals) herself.
Been there, got the tshirt.

[pinkglove75318]

@Knottinghill

Interesting day. So if I’m honest it stung even more today, thinking I’ve been strung along for the past couple of years with promises and pledges that were never real. So I gathered up the valentines cards, birthday cards, and other bits she’d sent me - and posted them to her address, marked for her husband.

This was a major dick move. If she is in an abusive relationship you have made her life a million times harder.

[CistitisStings]

Sounds hairy-handed to me.

Should this be real, though, please intercept that package somehow, OP. You have a chance to mend something potentially catastrophic. Take it.

[looop]

I can't believe you've done this.
I was going to reply prior to your latest update.
I have a lot of empathy for her, being in an unhappy/abusive marriage is soul destroying. So many things will be swirling around her head, dealing with her depression. I'd be pretty sure, she does need help and support, so I was going to suggest not cutting yourself off completely.
But you've completely shot yourself in the foot with your latest move.
If you truly, truly cared about her/loved her/had feelings for her you would never purposely want to cause her pain. And that's exactly what you've done. Poor lady

[CircleofWillis]

Were you the person who tipped off the husband in the first place? Did her failure to leave annoy you so much you needed to light a fire under her?

I agree with other posters that you need to warn her about the package coming her way and at least give her a chance to divert it.

You have not acted well here which leads to the conclusion that you are not a good person.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Yep. Only thread posted by this user.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

I reckon it's some kind of wind up/reverse thread. Not ringing true for me.

[SeahorseSaddle]

Oh god you actually did it?! Awful, awful behaviour! You may as well have cut the middleman out and just abused her yourself.

[SeahorseSaddle]

Sorry I call bullshit on you wanting to send her H more info on your affair even though you apparently know for a fact he is abusive.

If you know someone is abusive - jeso even if you only suspected! - why on earth would you provide them with more ammo to use against their victim?

[roundandsideways]

So glad that you broke up with her, because she would have jumped into one relationship with a controlling abusive man, into another with the same. What you've done is despicable. And serves no one but you and your own ego