I'm the other man

[Knottinghill]

So... gotta to share. It’s chewing on me if I’m honest. Don’t really have anyone to talk to about this, not really pub chat. Besides, the pubs are closed.

Single guy here - over last 3 - 4 years struck up a close friendship with a married work colleague - culminating in an intense emotional affair (meets, messages, that kinda thing). I know, I know - judgement is due I suppose. It’s pretty clear that her relationship was utter crappy, with lots of emotional abuse, manipulation and control from her fella - with her bestfriend aware of me and really kind and supportive of our relationship. Gaslighting has been talked about and I’m on the same page.

Recently, when push came to shove, she says that she can’t face bring herself to leave him - and basically sticking with it for her kids - her bestfriend is completely of the view he is abusive and she should leave him, and even her folks have suggested she leave too.

am at a complete loss to know what to do - break off all contact and leave her to it, or stay in contact as I believe that she’ll genuinely need my support when, undoubtedly, her marriage deteriorates to nothing? I know it sounds abit corny, but I do really care about her - whether she actually wants to be with me or not.

she said to me recently about the prospect of not speaking to me anymore that it would be like a part of her had died. Sad times.

Confusing.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

What happened to the "... it would feel like a part of her had died"? She's a liar and she's a coward. Those are her colours and they aren't pretty.

Whatever the rights and wrongs are of an affair, she has thrown you under a bus to save her own skin. Walk away and don't look back, she's not worth a second more of your time.

Steer clear of married folk, that way lies pain and sadness, rinse and repeat.

===

PicsinRed what a knobbish post.

[litterbird]

So sorry OP you've got yourself in a bit of a pickle. She will never leave her husband, what she told you about her marriage was what she wanted you to believe. Walk away, you cant save her, you are not her knight in shining armour, but I bet she told you that anyway. She's playing you I am afraid. There are some lovely single women out there, go find them.

[Natureotter]

I was in your exact situation although I was the ow.
Let me tell you what I learnt, the hard way.
It doesn’t matter what marital problems they have or how they feel or what they say, they aren’t going to leave. If they were going to leave they would have left. If the affair is discovered and her dh leaves her, you will always be the second choice.
If you walk away and say listen, if you leave I will be with you and enough time and distance goes by and she’s still not made any moves, you have your answer. Your not going to get anywhere being available to her all the time. Show her you value and respect yourself enough to walk away from the situation because you deserve better and you have the opportunity to move on.
I make the assumption that you are a distraction, an ego stroke to her. She has fun and gets her needs met without any the commitment, or mundane everyday life stuff.
If you walk away and believe me I know how fucking hard it is, if you really go no contact block on social media, don’t be calling or texting or replying to anything...if you really show you mean it her actions in the following months will tell you all you need to know.

[angelofmum]

There's plenty of single women in the world. Raise your bar a bit higher and find one who isn't giving you scraps of a relationship. Your self-esteem must need working on if you think a married woman is the best life has to offer you?!

[angelofmum]

There's plenty of single women in the world. Raise your bar a bit higher and find one who isn't giving you scraps of a relationship. Your self-esteem must need working on if you think a married woman is the best life has to offer you!

[angelofmum]

There's plenty of single women in the world. Raise your bar a bit higher and find one who isn't giving you scraps of a relationship. Your self-esteem must need working on if you think a married woman is the best life has to offer you!

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Jesus. The poor cow has both her friend and parents confirm the husband is abusive and all anyone can say is she just a cheater. If her husband is abusive then obviously she would be crazy to admit an affair surely? Or are her parents all lying too?

As for your suggestion OP of sending the texts to him. Are you fucking crazy? Do you want to get her killed?

People don't leave abusive partners because they are terrified of how that will impact on their children and because abuse is usually also financial. So they are told that he will get custody of the kids and leave them with nothing. And they don't have the financial or emotional resources to fight that.

There are some truly stupid comments on this thread. She didn't 'throw you under the bus' ffs. She said what she had to to avoid future abuse.

You can't help her until she's ready but don't for gods sake make it worse. People do stay for years for many different reasons. None of which have anything to do with the fact that they are greedy as people here have implied. Read a few of the threads from women in abusive relationships if you don't believe me.

[Pastryapronsucks]

An abusive relationship is not just physical, it's about control, grooming, coercion. On average it takes an abused partner 10 attempts before they leave.

Yes she may have blamed you through fear, or perhaps the husband is framing it that way. In your latter comments I wonder at your motives, are you trying to 'save' her and are now pissed that she he isn't doing what you had hoped? Has your pride been so damaged that you would consider siding with an abuser against someone you profesd to care about to save face?

I think the best course of action is to bow out and leave her alone. Plenty of single ladies about👍

[Knottinghill]

thanks for the comments, folks - you're a helpful bunch.

I'm not going to sent any message screenshots to her husband - that was a momentary flash of hurt.

[Dery]

"As for your suggestion OP of sending the texts to him. Are you fucking crazy? Do you want to get her killed?
...
You can't help her until she's ready but don't for gods sake make it worse. People do stay for years for many different reasons. None of which have anything to do with the fact that they are greedy as people here have implied. Read a few of the threads from women in abusive relationships if you don't believe me."

This. If you truly care about this woman (indeed even if you don't), how could you possibly have contemplated forwarding messages to her husband "so he isn't just hoodwinked by her and fed a pack of more lies?". Is that really what's most important to you right now? Siding with her abusive husband against her? Making sure that her abusive husband doesn't think badly of you?

Despite your protestations about being there for her, you clearly have NO clue about the reality of abusive relationships. You should educate yourself fast and stop thinking about the situation from your male perspective - start imagining what it's like to be her trapped in a home with a dangerous man. Please bear in mind that most men could kill most women with their bare hands. He almost certainly wouldn't need a weapon. Even if things don't go that far, he could easily wound her. And yet you want to get her into more trouble with a man you know to be a threat to her?

Please read @Vodkacranberryplease's post very carefully. She explains the reality very well. And FGS - please do not ever, whatever the circumstances, contemplate placing a woman who is already suffering from domestic abuse at even greater risk of harm.

[Dery]

@Knottinghill - clearly i didn't see your update before posting my response. Glad you have the message.

[Knottinghill]

@Dery

Understood. Sorry, was abit raw earlier.

[Aerial2020]

You can't rescue her.
If she is in an abusive relationship and she leaves, she will need time to heal and space to be by herself.
Let her be. If she needs support, she needs a friend or a professional.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@Dery and he's not the only one! Amazed at how many people are just dismissing this woman as a lying slag without having a fucking clue how these things work.

No wonder so many men get away with abusing women. There's always another woman waiting in the wings to tell her it's her fault.

[Dery]

@Knottinghill - sorry to give you such a hammering when you're already hurting! But I do think it's important for men to understand what it is to be a woman living with a dangerous man and to be constantly aware of the physical imbalance of power.

[Knottinghill]

@Dery

There's no sign of physical abuse - but definitely emotional abuse, control, manipulation, guilt, etc - not saying one is worse than the other though,

[cansmellfreedom]

It takes TWO to tango there’s no need to put all the blame on her. You knew that she’s married from the beginning. It’s either you move on and start dating single people or stick around. This will always be an affair am afraid but it’s your choice.

[Help1101]

You need to sack this off .

[Knottinghill]

Contact broken off - already on with abit of (online) retail therapy!

[Knottinghill]

bump!

[frog22]

Break it off and find a single woman to date.

[Lightline]

I think this must be really difficult for her too and probably incredibly painful. I bet she’s been in emotional turmoil over it.
It’s a tough proposition to be responsible for breaking up your own kids family life. She’s probably frightened they will blame her and that will affect her relationship with them for the rest of her life.
She will be worried that things might not work out with you. Maybe you won’t like her after a while/ the sex won’t work / you will do the same thing to her and go off with someone else
The reality is that the situation is just too heavy for the two of you to start a positive relationship from.
I know I’ve been in a similar situation and actually felt a loss and grief over not being able to have a relationship with the person I’d developed feelings for but it is probably best for everyone involved

[Knottinghill]

@lightline

Yeah, all valid and considered points. it would have absolutely worked though, all of it. Maybe next time.

[ginandcv]

I saw another poster say that we can all be wistful about roads not taken.

You can't really know it would have worked. Affairs aren't based on reality.

It's nice knickers and stolen kisses. Not bin days and mortgages.