Name changed as this is outing
I've known this friend for about 4 years, she's been with her husband since I've known her. I strongly suspect he is abusive, verbally, emotionally, financially and just generally controlling. I have never liked him, whenever I hang out with the both of them he dominates the space and conversation, and is very attention seeking and narcissistic. She doesn't talk to me a great deal about their relationship problems but every now and then she'll go through a phase of talking about them and lots of stuff comes out of the woodwork. She's in one of these phases right now. He controls what she spends, belittles her, is jealous and cold when she sees family and friends and sulks afterwards, he threatens to kill himself whenever she brings up any issues or express an emotion, it seems like he convinces her that she is too sensitive or emotional if she critisises him at all, he flies off the handle at the drop of a hat, she has said that living with him feels like walking on eggshells. She rarely speaks up or voices an opinion or need because of all of the above. It's hard to explain in a way as a lot of it is very subtle but I can see how controlled she is by him in a really insidious way. She minimises a lot of what he does and talks as if the issues are a two way street and analyses her role in it/blames herself.
I don't know what to do or say. I always encourage her to open up and gently try and challenge her to see his behaviour in another light but I'm not sure I'm doing it right. I am wary to go in hard and say he is abusive as I dont want to alienate her as she doesn't have many other friends local to her. Am I reading too much into this and if not what do i do?
I'm not worried about her physical safety but I feel so so sad for her that she has to deal with this constant chipping away at her self esteem and autonomy. I really dont think she would ever leave him either as she is scared to be alone and desperately wants a baby (they are trying)