What sort of things are emotional neglect as a child?

[blueandgreens]

What sort of things are emotional neglect as a child? I have often thought about my childhood and have this sense of emptiness when I think back, almost a fear. But then when I look at my childhood from an outsider’s perspective it would seem that I had it all, so then I wonder if I am too sensitive or was just a brat.

What do you think of as emotional neglect? Please list some things that you feel are from your childhood.

I consider emotional neglect to be very serious and think that people use the term flippantly.

Well I’m not sure really. I feel a bit silly saying some of it in case I sound dramatic. I suppose things like being left for long periods of time at the weekend as a 14 year old, being left for a week home alone at 15. Being told I had the devil in me. Always having my bedroom as a free place for anyone to go in and out, so little privacy. Things like that.

Woah, some different things there? Being told you had the devil in you?! What was that about?

Also what do you mean about your bedroom being an open place?
Have to say those things don’t sound great for you

Op - what is your relationship now like with your parents?
I have no relationship with my mother and I never have. I wasn't mistreated at all but I was always left on my own and was given no support or advice on anything.
Some people say this is a generation thing but I don't get that.
I think it's effected me with how I deal with friendships & relationships.
How has it effected you ??

Emotional abuse for me was never being talked to, asked questions of or heard. Decisions made for me, being told I was evil, difficult, nasty ( from the age of five that I remember). Being told constantly I should have been a boy, that they got pregnant to have a boy and I tricked them. Being compared to my sister's constantly and although I was smarter and quieter and less difficult than them I was always told I was a disappointment. Always left by myself, there wasn't space in the car for me so I was left as I wasn't fun. Didn't have my own room, didn't have my own bed till I was about ten. I took turns sleeping elsewhere. My parents were awful.

@LessCumbersome - that is some hard reading - my heart goes out to you and I hope you know your self worth xx

See mine weren’t as bad as that less

I had absolutely everything I needed and most of what I wanted so I do believe their heart was in the right place but I have some horrible memories.

I was also told I was nasty and awful person, I remember that from a young age. If I didn’t go to bed I would be dragged upstairs, usually by only my hair. I remember feeling so scared and alone.

The biggest thing that has always stuck with me is that I never ever could have a conversation with my parents about anything. They never wanted to listen, never wanted to dedicate any time to just sit and talk. Even now with friends I feel so grateful that they sit for an hour and we just chat, no time limit, there to listen to one another, undivided attention. I never had that as a child and when I was upset and wanted attention they would say I was trying to trap them to have a ‘captive audience.’

And yes less I really feel for you that sounds incredibly hard

A friend of mine had her parents go on holiday without her to Hawaii when she was 15 (her dad was a doctor, so she had a lovely bedroom, all physical needs taken care of). My parents were quite shocked by that and we had her round for the meal. She put up the Christmas tree alone and took it down alone (they were away for 2 weeks). She still thinks that’s normal.

@blueandgreens and @itsureis

Thank you.

Sorry, I never meant to spill everything like that. My childhood was actually very bad and isn't an example of "normal" levels of emotional abuse. The things you say , the being told you were nasty and awful and the not being listened to were actually probably some of the worst aspects of my childhood. I remember as a child sitting in the corner almost wondering if I was real because nobody saw me. And it was caused by being ignored.

As an adult I have terrible abandonment issues, you can do anything to me but ignore me. Ignoring me makes me react very badly. I chose my husband very carefully because of this. It casts a long shadow.

The "captive audience" makes me sad on your behalf. I don't understand why some people have children. I really don't. And the dragging you by your hair, I had that as well. My gran actually cut my hair off so she couldn't do that anymore ... I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that.

My parents pulling me into arguments with them when i was a very small child
My mum constantly leaning on me for emotional support- waking me up at 2 in the morning when i was 7 to go through the argument she had just had with my dad.
Never complimented ever, but constantly put down esp in front of friends
Watching my older brother and younger sister get everything they asked for. I wouldnt even ask, i got called every name under the sun if i did.
Used as my mums emotional punchbag
If i was sad or ill and tried to voice that i was just talked over constantly until i stopped. I didnt have the right to any emotion- that was fof my brother and sister only.
Never ever told i was loved. That i was hated? Yep all the time.
It never changed. Told my mum i had grade3 breast cancer 3 months ago.The first words out of her mouth were" omg we have to get your sister checked for that, its really bad, she can get that genetic marking thing done etc etc..."

Neglect is different to abuse. I've been told by several therapists that I was emotionally neglected. So has my sister.

I'm listening to an audiobook right now: adult children of emotionally immature parents.

My parents argued constantly and pretty much ignored us. I was told that I was stupid (I went to Cambridge). My dad had an affair and my mum told me what an awful man he was and how I was just like him. My first boyfriend wanted no commitment and she said that "people with problems get attracted to each other".

My 16th birthday was spent visiting grandparents and I had to pretend it wasn't my birthday so as not to embarrass anyone as they wouldn't have remembered.

I could go on.

Didn't believe me if I was ill. Ignored a perforated eardrum for months saying I was imagining it. By the time we got to the GP, two thirds of the drum had disintegrated.

I fainted after being bitten by a dog and she got really angry with me and told my Dad that I was "upstairs creating".

I basically feel that I was blamed for the family's problems. I was the problem child. But actually I was a straight A student and incredibly well behaved.

I still find it hard to believe that I'm not a bad person. It's taken a lot of therapy and even now that low self worth is still there to trip me up at times of stress.

So sorry to read some of your stories
I too wonder how I've grown to be such a nice caring person who shows love and can give love to her children. I dont remember ever being hugged or told I was loved.. I remember being ignored as punishment and that has had long term effects. If my husband seems off with me it triggers me to seek reassurance that I've not upset him.. very tiring for us both.

Sorry to hear of everyone's stories, I relate to a lot of what was said. I found when thinking about my own childhood I tend to view it as an adult still. I remember being ill at school and they phoned both my parents, neither came to get me and about five hours later the headteacher walked me home. As an adult I can see there might have been logisitcal reasons etc but none of that matters to a child and that hurt is still valid. If you think how long a car journey felt as a child, time means different things to you when you are younger and so does hurt and wanting and sorrow. It was real to you then and it's ok for it to be real to you now too.

Hugs for everyone

I never felt secure at all as a child. Everything felt unstable even though I had the perfect family on paper. I was always called difficult, draining, attention seeking...as I got to my later teenage years and got a job after school, I would sometimes buy food from the local shop and my parents would go mad saying I was taking over the fridge space and wasting money (they had lots of money and I was spending money I had earned myself so not sure why that even came up as a consideration).

Constantly told I was lazy as I didn’t do any washing or housework...but wasn’t allowed to use the washing machine or cook because I was clumsy and messy and would break things 🤔 I went to university not knowing how to cook a thing and always felt embarrassed by this. I was a hard worker and interested in learning, but my parents seemed to mock me about not knowing how to do these basic tasks when they were the ones that had prohibited me doing any of them when living with them. I was advised not to drink alcohol following an awful kidney infection at university and when I came home my dad lied about wine being in the gravy... it sounds ridiculous really but it was upsetting that he couldn’t just respect what I had said, it was such a small thing. I never trusted either parent.

I was walked in on in the bath (no lock on door), my diary read out loud in front of me. All stuff that basically made me feel I wasn’t me and had no autonomy or choice.

So many things. I had neglect and emotional and psychological abuse and only just piecing it all together in my 40s.

From one side it was being told horrible things by a drunk parent, making put all things were my fault, that I wasnt loved, that what I did was wrong.

From the other it was full on neglect. Wasnt spoken to or fed for days on end, so no emotional interscrion at all. No "how was your day?" No checking I'm okay or surviving, nothing. Still no emotional engagement now but he manages it with others - friends extended family. Just me.

Being made to feel "needy" for any show of emotion or pain or need...

I think a huge part of it is no acknowledgement that I had emotions or that they counted.

Wow pineapple that makes my experience seem insignificant. I’m sorry that happened to you

Oh sorry blue please don't think that. I joined the thread as its something I'm just working through now. I think all types of abuse "count" and leave scars.

I honestly started counselling not sure if Id suffered abuse...

I had the walking in on in the bath too. I think he uust believed he was the only one whowe needs counted.

Im trying hard to detatch now.

Your experience was abusive and significant.

Every time you dismiss what you want through and minimise it, it's almost like you're being re-abused, because don't those ideas come from them? Isn't that their voice in your head?

It was in their interests to convince you they weren't doing anything wrong. Wasn't true though.

I am really shocked reading your posts and so sad about the other stories on here. OP, if a friend described your childhood experiences to you as her own would you be upset for her? Your boundaries were completely violated with the diary reading, not private bedroom and that is only the tip of the iceberg with what else you have written. It is unacceptable to drag anyone, anywhere by their hair and none of us can maintain sanity if we live unheard and without adequate mirroring in childhood. Please get some counselling and find someone to work through the horrifying childhood legacy you have. And if you are reading this thinking I am over-reacting then please ask yourself what voice in the head is telling you that. I wish you all the best and hope you can find a safe place to share your life story.