I think dv happened. A story of being closed in a room has made me feel physically ill. Can someone help me understand this?

[Summerpepper]

I think I have locked away 2 episodes of "dh" trapping me in a room. I think I have locked it away in my mind so deeply as to feel like it never happened. I dont think i was able to accept that this happened. But it happened. A recent story from a friend about her mother locking her in a room as punishment as a child has brought a wave of horrible nausea and this overwhelming feeling in my head as if im going to faint. The most recent time he did this was 2 years ago. Was this domestic abuse? Is it domestic abuse if I've hidden it away and got on with life. I'm struggling with this. Has anyone here had this experience? I'm overwhelmed with what has happened and I have no one to confide in.

Do you mean physically locking you in or manipulation to make you hide in a room?

Either way, it's domestic abuse.

The most recent time he did this was 2 years ago. Was this domestic abuse?

Can you add any context?

He held the door shut and blocked me. I was dumbstruck at first. We were arguing and i wanted to leave the room. With his whole body against the door, he wouldnt let me out. He wasnt screaming or hitting me. But he trapped me. On the second occasion i pressed the record button on my phone. He knew he was being recorded. He knew that he was trapping me. Why have I blocked this out of my head for 2 years. I'm having a very mental and physical reaction now.
Thank you for replying Frownette.

Yes, this is abuse. My abusive ex took great pleasure in locking me away, either in our miniscule garden or, towards the end, putting me on the doorstep and locking the door.

Also in the bathroom a few times so your story had resonated OP

If you've blocked something it's a coping mechanism to deal with something very traumatic.

Locking someone in a room is abusive. If he knew you were scared, that you wanted to leave the room so stopped you or was having power over you by locking you in , all these are abusive.

Using your strength to control someone against their will is abusive.

Is there other parts of your relationship that don't sit right with you. I expect there is more to this than those two episodes.

If you've blocked something it's a coping mechanism to deal with something very traumatic.

Locking someone in a room is abusive. If he knew you were scared, that you wanted to leave the room so stopped you or was having power over you by locking you in , all these are abusive.

Using your strength to control someone against their will is abusive.

Is there other parts of your relationship that don't sit right with you. I expect there is more to this than those two episodes.

I'm sorry JorisBonson that is such a horrible thing to go through. There is something wrong here because I'm saying to myself that because I have locked these experiences away that it's not that bad. He didn't hit me so it can't be that bad. I feel like What happened to you was abuse but that cant be what happened to me. Like I should not complain.

Fuzzymoon yes, I've heard of that before.Is it compartmentalising? I feel like I'm the first one to say, take care of your mind, look after yourself. But i don't apply this to myself very well.
Yes, there are other things that through the years have not sat right with me. On the balance, I've accepted things that are just not right. One other physical thing which was a push when I was pregnant. It wasnt a hard push and I stumbled rather than fell. I'm humiliated to write that. I'm humiliated at all of this.

It's to protect your brain and if you are still with him, a way of making living with him more bearable. The knowledge is awful and terrifying but it's also there to tell you that something isn't right and that is powerful.

I have had something similar when I read about a woman who wasn't allowed to lock her bathroom door. I felt sick too my stomach because I always had to be accessible to him and he would invite himself into the shower when I didn't want him to. He also used to lock me in.

I think in these circumstances we are so overwhelmed by the horror of it, with no sense of being able to escape (it's not bad enough etc) that the effects can last so much longer. If we can't fight or flight, there's only so much else we can do until it all accumulates and we can't hold so much pain out of our consciousness any longer. This is the part where we start asking if we deserve better and you absolutely do.

Thank you for replying Colourmeclear. It's so upsetting to hear you have suffered and are suffering too. I'm so overwhelmed with the realisation of this, the fact that I've carried on as if it didn't happen and at the same time I'm telling myself. It's not that bad when I know those 2 incidents along with other things over a 20 year span just aren't right. I didn't deserve any of it. I'm ashamed and humiliated but i did nothing wrong. I shouldn't feel like it but i do.
This awful feeling now is for a reason, you are right. I feel paralysed and scared because I should not be with him.

I'm so sorry OP. Yes it is abuse, it was abuse.

You are having a trauma response at the minute. Do you have a safe place to go, where people love you? Can you go to your parents or a best friend?

I also compartmentalized an abuse episode as you describe, in fact I wrote about it on here just yesterday. My dh shoved and verbally abused our toddler in front of me, to punish me. I remember it happening and what i was wearing and the smell of the room and everything - but it also somehow didn't happen, it also needed to not have happened, in order for me to survive.

It also took me about 18-24 months to break and finally get out of the situation. Luckily during that time he didn't hurt the baby again. In that time period, while I was compartmentalizing, I was sort of on this shocked, dazed autopilot where I was consciously trying to work on the marriage, but also simultaneously making decisions that effectively cut dh out of my finances and coping system bit by bit. It's very common for abuse survivors to do this. You were just trying to survive.

Right now you are vulnerable and need protection. Is there anywhere you can go? Anything that we can do for you here that might help? My heart so goes out to you xx

As others have said, you couldn't fight or flight, so you had to freeze. "Fight, flight or freeze" are normal ways that mammals cope with massive trauma/danger. "Freeze" includes compartmentalizing, because if you don't compartmentalize, the fear can physically kill you (e.g. heart failure), or you might try to fight or run from someone who will the kill you in retaliation.

There is also a different set of responses in females, called "tend and befriend", where women seem to have a predisposition to be nice to their attacker, so that they can buy time to bargain their safety. This response is part of us for the plain fact that women who could "tend and befriend" were more likely to survive, and have their children survive, etc. so it has been passed down to modern times.

You didn't do anything wrong, you did exactly what the natural, normal thing is, when you are in massive danger. So did I. You did the only thing you could x

You need to try to be kind to yourself. The brain hiding experiences is not a conscious act , your brain does it subconsciously. Its an instinct rather than a considered action.

The memory once allowed out cannot be hidden again. There may be other memories that come out as your brain has decided that now is the time to allow them out.

Please seek support, via your GP, a phone call to women's aide , someone you're close to friend or family.
Accept counselling it will help you make sense of what happened and how you are feeling.

Every emotion you are feeling is ok to feel. Accept your feelings and acknowledge them. Its ok to feel sad, confused , angry and even humiliated but remember he has caused you to feel this way , not you. In time humiliation will disappear as you realise he's done this and it's no reflection on you.

But please be kind to yourself. You are amazing and you deserve to be respected.

Rvby and fuzzymoon oh my goodness thank you for writing so much to help me. I've taken my time to go through it all. It's very hard that this has become real and I have to somehow cope.
Rvby, I'm sorry for what you've been through. What you said about needing it not to have happened. That is very true for me too. We were in the middle of a country move and I had to settle the children, find a house...
I'm too ashamed to tell anyone right now. I have a best friend who is still shielding. I'm not close to my parents. I doubt I'd get any sympathy or understanding from them even if i did confide.
It has been so kind of all of you to reply. That has really helped me this evening. I need time to process all of this. Fuzzymoon, you are right about other things coming out of this memory. I couldnt even type another thing from when i was younger - that is not a good place to be in. When I have tried to get my head around this I will try to have the courage to face it and call my friend.

I'm so pleased you've given serious thought to sharing this with your friend. Sitting with your feelings is the best thing to do at this moment. It gives you chance to let what's happening sink in. All the best. You're being very brave.