If your parents divorced - how did it affect you? If you divorced how did it affect your dc?

[Raccoon1984]

I’m seriously considering leaving dh - for numerous reasons but I’ve never really been happy. I’m not sure if it’s ‘bad’ enough for jump ship but some of the reasons are:

We never have sex. Dh wont have a vasectomy. He won’t use condoms. He wants me to risk it and just use timing and I won’t so we don’t have sex but our sex life has always been poor. Not only do we not have full sex we don’t do anything else either because dh finds it ‘too frustrating’

Dh spends little time with us and never has. He’s always done his own thing as weekends. I have the children all the time.

He controls all the finances and it’s like being a child.

What dh says - goes.

There are a number of other things, none on their own are probably enough to leave, but the overall picture doesn’t feel great.
It’s the children - they are 5 and 10 and I’m really worried about the affect on them.
Please can people tell me how they felt if their parents split up or how their children were if they spilt up with the other parent. What things make it easier / harder? I feel as though they will never be happy again but I know that probably isn’t true. They aren’t aware of anything being wrong.

My parents divorced when I was 10. I knew my mother was unhappy and my father was a controlling man. We were all on eggshells when he was around. I was relieved when they split.

I was able to build a better relationship with my father when he was no longer around and it became even stronger as I grew older. Both my parents remarried and ended up with much more suitable spouses who I both love dearly as step parents.

Don't waste your life with someone who makes you unhappy. Life is too short.

Also - seeing my mum stand up for herself and later find a loving relationship with my step dad (after a few duff boyfriends!) showed me not to accept being mistreated in a relationship.

Kids are resilient. They can cope with divorced parents that are happier apart better than parents who stay together but loath each other.

My parents divorced when I was an adult. They really should have done it sooner.
I met my now DH when his kids were both under 10. DH and his ex managed their split very well and the kids have always been accepting of the situation. DSS in particular was aware his parents were unhappy and seemed much more settled (according to DH) after the split. I met him after they had separated.

I find thinking of the day to day ok - although losing my youngest dc half the time would be extremely hard. Extremely.
It’s chritmas, birthdays, holidays... those things. I find that hard. Also dh would be able to afford to take them all the places on holiday, he’s already promised Disneyland to my dd and I will be lucky to manage a day trip to the seaside.
I find them being taken abroad for a fortnight without any contact that whole time a really hard thing to think about, but dh will be as entitled to them as I am.

But will he be likely to actually take them away for a fortnight if he can't be arsed with taking care of them at all currently?

I'm in the middle of a divorce atm. My 5 year old gets a little upset during transitions, though that's improved a lot now she's being dropped off rather than picked up. My 8 year old is so so much happier. When he stays with daddy daddy actually spends time with him and makes an effort for that time instead of him being always around, but permanently distracted and/or irritable.

We're also much happier as a household not having the black cloud walking on eggshells feeling in the home.

He will do it to spite me.

I think that is my other concern, aside from the children - that dh will make it as difficult and unpleasant as possible.

I would have stayed with my ex for ever for the sake of dd but she was 8 when he left.

She always said she was glad he went as she saw more of him after.

She's 23 now and it was a positive experience all round, but it was because me and ex made it like that for her.

I wonder if my dc would see more of dh really, even though I would miss them horribly. I feel like I am their only parent and I’ve done everything for both of them since they were born.
Dh loves them - I don’t doubt it - but I’ve always felt as though me and the dc are a family on our own.

I split with my ex 3 years ago when our children were 11 and 14, he’s barely had any contact with them since (his choice). I worried that they were missing him, weren’t able to talk to me about it, that it was in some way harming them. I’ve now come to realisation that they actually coped really well because I was their consistency all their lives. They occasionally comment on things like “life didn’t really change did it?”, “I can’t believe we actually ever lived with dad” or “why would I need dad when I have got you?” and my dd told me that marrying him wasn’t my finest moment. All in all, I think they coped.

Honestly it's a no win situation. I hate having divorced parents, it's a nightmare trying to see everyone separately and equally, the guilt hoping everyone is happy (especially at the beginning). But I equally remember how shite it was when my parents didn't love each other but stayed together for a while, kids know no matter how much others convince themselves they don't.

Neither were good situations, but I'd pick them being separated over a few pretence under one roof with us all treating on egg shells.

Yes my ideal would be to stay married and do a good job of pretending to be happy. I’m just not sure I can.

@Raccoon1984 please don't put this on yourself and think you need to pretend to be happy, the best thing you can do for your kids is take charge of your happiness, they will know if you are faking. The best thing my mum ever did for me was show that her happiness was worth something too, as much as I would love to have parents that love each other, I can't deny that, I would never wish my parents to carry on for our "sake" (they tried it, it was awful) It's the best lesson in life I've had if I'm honest and I strive for the same for myself.

I do feel horrible.
Dh would never end it, I wish he would from a cowardly perspective. Then it’s done.
I’ve tried and tried to check back in but I cannot. I don’t know why. I just don’t feel like I’m me when I’m in this house.

My elder ones do not see him. Through choice. Youngest does through court order. He burnt his bridges with older ones through lies.

It is what it is -but better that than die having lived with him for another 30 years.