Elderly mum wants to move closer - I am uneasy

[Booksandmorebooks]

Looking for a bit of reassurance/advice. Will try and give you the info you might need to form an opinion without rambling on too much!

My DF died last year and my DM (85) has decided she would like to move closer to us. My DSis has offered to help her move closer to her (much nearer to where she is now) but she has told both of us that she wants to move here.

I have a few things that worry me. The main thing is that although my DM says she wants to be with us, I struggle to think that is really true e.g. we have lived in our current house for 8 years but DP have never even seen it. My DP have never been very interested in their grandchildren e.g. they haven’t taken up offers to visit at Christmas or invited us there (oldest DD is 21 so quite a few opportunities!) They have always been the same with my DNs so it is just how she is I think.

I am also worried (perhaps selfishly) about how this will affect our day-to-day lives. I work full-time, have two children still at home and I help my DH with his business too so I’m always very busy. I just don’t have time to visit her every day and while she would be welcome to hang out here, I don’t think she would want to (see above!)

She keeps saying she wants to move to make things easier for me. This feels a bit manipulative as, if anything, I think it is likely to make things harder for me as she is very demanding by nature e.g. since my Dad died, I call her every day but these are always one-sided conversations where she never asks what have the children been up to etc. I think part of the reason she turned down my sister's offer is because she has always been better at setting boundaries than I am!

Tbh, I’m already feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all and she hasn’t even got here! So, a couple of questions for you.

One, if she were to move closer, how often would it be reasonable to see her? I can help her look into activities in the area etc. but she doesn’t know anyone apart from us (yet) so she might well be lonely if I/we don't see her several times a week.

Two, would we be better finding her somewhere with a bit of distance from us to try and discourage her from overly depending on me? Also, she tends to fall out with people and I worry that she might upset some of our own support network if she’s too close by (e.g. she came to stay one weekend when the kids were very small and had a bit of a barney with the lovely lady who looked after them after school etc.).

I realise I am coming across as a bit of a cow here. I am really not – we are the go-to people for my DBIL who has mobility issues and lives in a care home so we are quite happy to do stuff with/for our wider family. I am just worried about creating a difficult situation for my long-suffering DH and children that I then can’t get us out of!

All ideas welcome. Thank you! x

Big warning from me too. Dm moved close to me at 80 something and is still with us although much more frail at 96. This may not be short term.
Dm had visited etc but has never got involved here in anything without me. She now has carers etc but I visit at least 3 times a week. Plus have to sort all practical issues.
Sheltered accommodation sounds a great plan. Think about what your boundaries are- and what dsis will do too.
I wonder what she thinks it would be like?

@Sugartitties

remember when you were a little girl and your mother would look after you......well, now it’s your turn

If you are going to be a nasty twat at least learn how to use capital letter and full stops, there’s a love

"She keeps saying she wants to move to make things easier for me. ...I think part of the reason she turned down my sister's offer is because she has always been better at setting boundaries than I am!"

So there's what you have to do - set boundaries and keep them in place.

I'd start by asking WHY she thinks moving nearer to you would make it easier for you. Act dumb. Make her spell it out, that she expects you to skivvy for her. and then say something along the lines of 'I don't think that will work mum, I'm busy 24/7 as it is. If you move here I think you'll be lonely and not like it.' You're going to have to keep hammering home that you will NOT be running after her.

If she says anything along the lines of it's all getting too much for her, suggest sheltered accommodation. Keep saying that you won't be able to do things for her, you are busy with your brother, your husband, your children, your job.

Maybe enlist your sister to reinforce the message. 'Mum, you can't possibly think that Booksandmorebooks will be able to be your carer? She's spread thin as it is! Much better to move closer to me or to sheltered accommodation.'

But you need to start setting those boundaries (i.e. telling her unambiguously that you will not be her carer) in right now. And keep repeating the message in every phone call whenever the subject arises.

Why not look into those "independent retirement " developments where she could buy/rent her own cosy little apartment, plus a manager and some communal facilities for activities, company, gardens etc. No maintenace to worry about; and she would have opportunity to make a new social circle for herself. You could see her for lunch, or an afternoon, or an outing, but she would not be dependent on you. Is there anywhere like that about 10 miles away....

This sounds like the kind of thing my mum would do after decades of little effort. E.g. didn’t visit me for a couple of years, decided on a whim she wanted to visit me and rang me demanding 3 weekends time. I politely explained l had other plans that weekend and how about if.... At which point she start shouting, swearing and then slammed the phone down!

Good luck with it all. I would set your stall out, introduce boundaries and manage expectations. CF tend to not like this as it curtails and / or disrupts their cheekyfuckery. For example if you are busy and at full capacity in your life, then make that clear. So she knows she will be getting the odd catch up, versus you being at her beck and call 24/7, doing all her shopping, sorting out all the niggles in her life etc. Moving house is a hassle but if she wants it then surely she can do it and pay to outsource the things she can’t do herself.

Very different family dynamics here, but when DMIL was widowed 12 years ago, we suggested several times that she move closer to us, into assisted living accommodation, and she refused repeatedly, not wanting to leave her memories, her friends, bridge club etc. All our ideas were rebuffed. Later, her health declined quite steeply, and we proposed a care-companion: no deal. So DSIL who lives nearby (we're 300 miles away) organised morning and evening carers and we muddled along fairly well, until DSIL asked her daughter to stand-in while her regular carers went back to the Philippines for six weeks at Christmas, which they do every three years. As our niece was doing okay, the carers went back to their main jobs but picked up new PT caring.

Suddenly, DN announced she was moving abroad in spring... which put us all in a tizz. Fortunately DSIL was able to find a respite stay in a local care home, and then CV19 kicked off. So DMIL has been there for five months and at 91, very frail, it's likely that she will see out her days there. We just hope that if there's a crisis, it doesn't happen suddenly or during the next lockdown as it's so far away and it would not be easy to drop everything and rush there.

So, if you could persuade her of the virtues of living in a wardened flat, then I think that would be a decent solution. You could pop in at weekends or as needed for a quick brew or to drop off groceries. But I hear all the warning bells regarding boundaries.

Does she really want to move house at the age of 85? Who is going to pack/declutter/organise all that? )

Some of those retirement-living   developments  do ALL that,   from  selling the previous home,  to  packing, removals,  unpacking

advice, , the lot.
A single lady currently living in a much too big family house could free up all that equity , afford somewhere smaller and much more comfortable, and really enjoy her remaining years.

www.mccarthyandstone.co.uk/what-is/warden-controlled-housing/

Wow - so many helpful messages. Thank you so much everyone!

I don't at all have a problem with her moving closer to us. It is a worry that she is so far away and when my Dad was dying it was very hard driving up and down the motorway several times in quick succession so in a way it is for selfish reasons too.

If she moves nearer, I am happy to see her a couple of times a week, for her to come over for Sunday lunch etc. I guess it's just that I suspect she has something different in mind and actually isn't really bothered about the above just wants me to go round on a very regular basis to listen to her moan, fix her wifi etc.

A few of you suggested sheltered accommodation. There are some options but a bit further away (i.e. 20 minutes) rather than down the road as we live fairly rural but yes definitely an option (& the mere suggestion makes it a bit clearer to her where I am coming from of course).

Will definitely discuss with DSis some more. Also, those who mentioned DH and my DC... my husband is very much against it. He has been endlessly patient with her over the years but finally snapped when she and my Dad almost moved down a few years ago and pulled out at the very last minute - not so much the change of heart as what they said to me at the time (ouch is all I will say about that particular episode!)

My DH is very good at this kind of thing so it worries me that he thinks it a bad idea. DC don't mind either way as they have v little relationship with her. I suppose part of me (mistakenly) thinks if she moves here that might change. The more I write, the more I think I'm being a bit of an eejit

Thanks again so much for all your ideas. There is lots to think about here.

Is she actually hoping to move in with you ?
Does she currently have any activities, friends, outings, does she drive ?
If she has those things I would tell her she is better off staying where she is, with the people, shops, activities she is familiar with, as you are already stretched in your working mother life, & although true, if she becomes ill & dependant, it might be simpler if she is local, in the mean time, you are rarely home, have little free time & won't be sipping tea in her cottage every day. Alternatively she should consider sheltered accommodation, where there is a warden & other people to frequent.
Tell her this calmly & say she needs to remember you are not going to fulfill the role her husband did.

Sounds like she's decided she needs a slave and you're the easiest target.

Charming since she hasn't bothered with you in 20 years.

@Booksandmorebooks

I suppose part of me (mistakenly) thinks if she moves here that might change. The more I write, the more I think I'm being a bit of an eejit
Careful OP. I suppose it's possible for people to change for the better and be more kind and thoughtful as they get older. It's more likely, however, that old habits just get more entrenched and they are more likely to become more difficult about moving out of their comfort zones.

Reading between the lines she is not moving to be of help to you in fact it is quite the opposite.
As for an 85 year old possibly only having a few years left, she could actually have another 10 -15 years.
I think sheltered accomodation may be a good alternative, although depending on the mental and physical abilities of the residents she may struggle for friendship and company.

I know those one-sided phone conversations only too well. They are the sign of a selfish, self-absorbed person who sees you only as a facility. Her other behaviour all bears this out as well.

I don't agree with all those people saying that "she doesn't have long." She might easily have 10 or 15 years, or even more. You really can't tell. And those are potentially 10 or 15 years of deteriorating physical and mental health, increasing dependence and confusion, sudden crises and emergencies in the middle of the night, medical appointments requiring transport and company, etc etc etc. All for a person who does not sound like she will have any gratitude or consider your own needs or resources in any way.

You are already busy and have enough people to care for - you simply don't have the resources to deal with this without your own family (and your own health) suffering. It's a job for the professionals. Retirement village / assisted living all the way.

She's 85. I hope when I'm 85 my family will be kind enough to see me once a week for a quick chat. There isn't much available to do at that age if mobility is declining. Assuming she was a good parent to you when you were young (you don't say she was abusive) I would look welcome the chance to give back a bit and build a better relationship.
Absolutely sheltered housing. It's exactly what she needs.

Does she have an existing social life? IME it is difficult to get a new social life at that age and people do move in this situation thinking that they will see loads of their family then realise once they've upped sticks that they don't see any more of them than they did before.

In some cases they've even seen less of them as previously it was a proper trip so got planned into schedules whereas when they were close at hand and it was just a case of popping over everyday life got in the way and visits were less frequent.

Is there a local dial-a-ride that she could access for shopping trips, hospital apps, days out?

Is there a big difference in local accents between hers and yours? My DGF moved to be near one set of family but couldn't understand the accent (not helped by failing hearing) and had to move to family where he could understand the locals he came into contact with - carers, vicar, library, local shops etc.

Is it possible that you might have to relocate for work? If so where would that leave her? It might be worth floating that if it's plausible.

It sounds as if she would expect you to visit her all the time. I wonder whether it would be worth getting her to stay with you for a week so that she can see the reality of your busy lives. It might make her rethink if she realises how little free time you have and how noisy family life can be.

I think at that age she should move into sheltered accommodation if she is going to move now. It would be a whole load of hassle and waste of money to move her into a place near you and then have to move her in 3 or 4 years time if she is unable to be independent. You are not going to be able to look after her all the time so it would make sense to spell this out to her now and suggest a sheltered accommodation flat within easy driving distance of your place where you can visit her.
Discuss with your sister what the options are and then both of you present them to your mother to choose from. Eg. Sheltered accommodation near you; sheltered accommodation half way between you and sister; own flat (not sheltered accommodation) near sister etc.
If there are options that you or your sister do not want to happen then these do not appear on the list for her to choose from. You need very strong boundaries in place and as others have said she could live for another 10 or 15 years depending on her health so it needs to be a solution which won't become a horrendous burden for you.

She sounds like my mother in law. One annual visit, two since her DH died, and little contact with kids when they were young, and even less now. Still pretty active in her 80s, but plans to retire to our home 😳

She sounds like my mother in law. One annual visit, two since her DH died, and little contact with kids when they were young, and even less now. Still pretty active in her 80s, but plans to retire to our home 😳

Nope.

Others have her sussed - she wants a crutch, a whipping boy, someone to endlessly moan at and offload to (and enjoy seeing them tied up in knots over her, it will be her only emotional 'outlet') - and she reckons your sister will give her short shrift but you'll be her whipped dog in no time.

Start setting the boundaries now. And put her off. DON'T start telling her 'well, I suppose we can manage 2-3 times a week.'

Try this instead:

'But I'm puzzled you want to move here and not nearer to Sis. You'll be so alone. I'm working full time, the kids are full on and with the business we're not even really free on weekends to have guests more than once every so often. We work! I can't imagine we'll see you more than once a fortnight-?'

Let her be horrified, start demanding and then draft your H in to also look amazed at the thought that you'd have every Sunday lunch. 'But we won't be able to do that. You've never come here. We're too busy...'

Don't do it OP.

Seriously, your marriage and kids come first.

Lots of good replies from previous posters which say it all.

If you're struggling to set a boundary, you could say 'no point in your moving here, DP is applying for other jobs at the moment and could end up in Timbuctoo or Taiwan, you'd be so much better staying where your friends are or moving near DSis'

God, no! If you’re rural, will she need driving everywhere? Total ruddy trauma. I’m thinking she expects you round at her beck and call.

It seems to me that you’re going to end up running around after her. She’ll know she’s getting older and will not support so that’s why she wants to come nearer.

I can absolutely see why you feel uneasy. I’m sorry to say this OP but she sounds selfish. Not visiting your home for over 8 years and not taking interest in her DGC. Now she expects you to look after her.

I would say that you’re very busy with your own life at the minute so she’s best staying put and having your sis closer. It’s not like there no alternative!

Good luck and poor you

I'm surprised at the flaming sugartitties has had for voicing her opinion. huuunderickssss, however, has had her views ignored. I know which one I find reprehensible!

Do you think duty and obligation are the overriding factors here lifestooshort123?