Would anyone mind critiquing this message for me please?

[Froney]

I have a friend of about 15 years standing, I consider her to be my best friend, and I think (or thought) she considered me to be one of hers.

Over the last 5 years I've had several awful things happen to me (dh dying, both parents dying, cancer scare) and she's been there for me. She's had awful stuff happen too - ever since I've known her she's had one particular issue that will never be resolved and I've done my utmost to help her with it. Over the last two years, this issue has been compounded for her by some health issues that are causing her a lot of stress, but which no one can find an answer for. Before lockdown we saw each other at least once a week, more often if there was anything going on with which either of us needed help. We texted/spoke most days.

At the beginning of lockdown we were in touch as often as usual and I was doing errands for her as she was worried to go out. But gradually, contact has lessened between us and I don't know why. I don't want to pressure her - she owes me nothing - and when she does text me she says nice things like she misses me etc. I reply, and then - nothing. I haven't heard from her for 10 days now (mine was the last message to her) and I feel terribly sad :(. So I'm thinking of sending this message to her. Is it over the top? Does it sound as if I'm pressuring her or making demands? Any suggestions? Thank you very much for reading:

I don't know how to say this without sounding completely up myself, or without seeming very self obsessed, or without sounding as if I'm making demands or criticising (which is the absolute last thing I want to do as I know that you have so much on your plate) but have I offended you in some way? I have this awful feeling that I might have become your "Sarah" and I'm not getting the hint!

I think of you as my closest friend, and the friend I admire and like the most, but I just feel there's a distance growing and I don't know why. Is it because of all the R stuff that I keep going on about? Or is it because I always have some issue/drama to moan about? I'm really sorry if I've been so wrapped up in all my shit that I've not been a good friend. I want to help you, I want to be there for you in any way I can, and I'm really very sorry if I haven't been.

Sometimes when we're together I want to ask you questions about you and your life and your feelings (eg about D and your relationship and how you really feel etc) but I don't like to in case it seems I'm crossing lines or being intrusive. I know that I have a tendency to be what I consider interested, but what many people consider nosy so sometimes I feel awkward saying stuff.

I also know that I go on and on about R but unfortunately for you, you're the only person I can do it to! The whole situation with him has completely fucked me up - I've never met anyone like him or J before - and I know I shouldn't have got involved (and desperately wish I hadn't). I have blocked them now and am really trying to put it all behind me, I promise.

I feel that even in this message I've made it all about me, which hasn't been my intention at all. I honestly think you're one of the most amazing people I know. You deal with all your issues with wisdom and intelligence and resilience and insight and grace and humour. You're brave and beautiful and kind and I can't tell you how much I admire you. If I have pissed you off in any way then please know it has been completely unintentional, and whatever happens going forward, I will always want to/try to be on your side, whatever the situation.

I'm not sending this in an attempt to change the way things are between us. I only want from you what you're happy to give, so please please don't feel anything needs to happen differently. It's just that in the last two or three months contact between us has lessened and I'm worried it's because of something I've done. If I have done something then I apologise. If I haven't done anything, then - good, I'm glad!

@user1456324865563

What a smart, insightful post. Absolutely spot on. Really hope OP can take in what you’re saying.

I'm glad you have been talked out of sending that. i would not appreciate receiving a message like that. You don't even know if there is anything wrong (or she's annoyed with you) but this could cause a problem.
Give her some space and sporadically message her checking she is ok and asking if she needs you, you are there for her. Don't push her in any way. Let her come to you. if she is a true friend she will.

I agree don't send it. Thank god you had to sense to check/rethink before hitting send.

I do understand how you feel, although I'm wondering if I'm your friend in this scenario?

I haven't properly spoken to to closest friend of 20 years (gay Male) since before lockdown.

Over the years he's becoming more and more demanding with his need to discuss his multitude of mental health issues with me and the stresses of everyday life. He doesn't have a family or a partner so constantly tells me and tells me I have no worries because I do have a partner and a family.
I love him dearly however but it's a lot a mental work. When lockdown happened he was staying with a friend. I checked that he was ok via text. He said he was.,Ive had nothing since. I've only sent a happy birthday message. Nothing back from him.
To be honest I've felt like lockdown has been a bit of a holiday from managing his day to day problems.
I've had my own problems - my dd is being tested for epilepsy, my DM is being investigated for cancer, my DS hardly comes out of his room, I'm constantly ill and drained with menopausal symptoms, my dh is out of work and my marriage is pretty rocky.
Never once has he asked if I'm ok. However I don't have the energy to engage with talking about it either. I'm sure things will get back on track but I'm struggling with very low mood myself and don't want to chase.

Could this be a similar case with you and your friend?

If my friend had sent me a text like that it would have exhausted me. I'm finding the lifting of lockdown much more stressful than lockdown itself.

Just send a light a breezy message if you need to.

I hope you get back on track soon.

I had a friend where we would meet for coffee once a week with babies. They ended up in same nursery and I saw her everyday. I would rush and drop my child and say quick hi and sometimes see her at pick up. She got into a strop with me (I could sense it). I didn’t ask as I was too busy. Weeks down the line she had a huge go at me (won’t give details as will become identifiable!). Basically she accused me of ignoring her and not stopping to talk to her etc. Etc. I just found her so needy and just ended friendship with her. I don’t have time for made up dramas. I just wanted to drop my kid off and go to work, it’s not a social outing for me so a quick hi how are I thought was okay but apparently she wanted a 10 minute chat about nothing in particular and didn’t understand why I would “run off” to work

My advice is leave it alone, she will come to you. Also are y sure she’s not trying to “break up” with you? I’ve really struggled to end friendships in the past as I don’t know how! I not anything the friends have done it’s just sometimes certain people drift apart and meeting up become a chore rather than something you look forward to.

It sounds incredibly exhausting if you always talk about “ issues “
Can you lighten up a bit ? Chat about....clothes , tv programmes , the weather.
I would find every chat becoming a counselling session way over the top.

Thanks so much everyone, feel embarrassed now that I even contemplated sending it. Glad mn has such sensible switched on posters. User I'll google cci assertiveness.

Thank goodness you've decided not to send that. Totally over the top. I lost the will to live half way through.
Better to phone her for a chat. Something might be going on with her that she hasn't told you about yet.
Don't talk about any "issues" when you phone her. Just talk about something else - anything!

Good that you’ve worked your response through and are going to send a different message. Hope all works out well.

I think you need to take a step back. This is probably a stressful and uncertain time for you both (as it is for everyone) and a lot of "normal behaviour" has gone out the window. Your message was really full on but I think it's good you wrote out how you were feeling without actually sending it... hopefully you found it cathartic.

You've done all you can at this point, time to let her come to you - which she will when she's ready.

Everyone is going through their own personal journey right now and you just have to be as understanding to others as you would expect others to be to you.

Good luck!

It’s a good idea to write things down that are bothering you but rarely to send the result to anyone.

I'm pleased you've decided not to send that message! Far too much!

I might just send a nice little postcard or something with a 'saw this and thought of you' on the back of it, and then leave it. She'll come when she's ready.

That message is far too much. If she is a bit worn out by the friendship, a message like that would make her back even further off. Send a message saying that you are thinking of her and that you hope she is okay, and then leave it at that. She will be in touch if and when she wants to.

Do you journal? You might find it useful and you could write letters like this into it - all the things you want to say but perhaps shouldn't right now?

I would probably text her in a few days, something light and ask her how she's doing. Keep your own stuff to yourself for a while, see if she comes round. The inclination to try to cling on will make her back off, so just let her have space and aim to make her laugh, rather than being all deep and serious.

When people are down, feeling low and possibly depressed you need to back off pushing them for answers or action. If you take on a support role you will be doing a lot more sending than receiving. It can be hard and it does feel as though you are being neglected. You will have to do a lot affirmation. Tell them how good a person, friend they are but don’t say you miss them.

Why not message to say what great company she is and how you enjoyed (insert a happy joint experience). Just keep doing this on a regular basis. Don’t ask them to do anything and don’t suggest stuff until they start engaging with you. Then be very low key and cautious. Nudge don’t push or pull.

@LemonTT that’s good advice for the OP. I remember your username you have in the past given me great advice too x