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Original poster

What does this mean?

19 replies

pandapop26 · 13/07/2020 10:42

Hi I've NC again but I need some advice on what this is?
So back story been together 10years+ only relationship I've been in. He's quite controlling in subtle ways like I can't go out with my friends have to argue to go out etc so I just don't I've never gone out with friends to a pub or anything.

I can go to my friends house downstairs but I get questioned a lot so it's off putting.
He works I don't as he says I can't be trusted.

I decided to end it after much tears from him it lasted two weeks, I took him back as I thought it might make him see what he's losing?.

So we got back together Friday.
Saturday I met my friend downstairs and we walked to the shop, then park all in view of my kitchen window. Had a nice time came home.

We've been laughing and joking non stop etc having fun.
By Sunday evening he goes to put the bins out comes back and says so why was you al excited when the neighbours friends drove past you two on Saturday I've just been told?.

I denied it and said what do you mean? We was literally walking a car drove past with two young men in it. I looked as it's usually one of my neighbours but didn't recognise them so carried on laughing with my friend.

And he's telling me I'm lying he knows who the guy is in the car, said the guys name I said no it wasn't him??. He said I'm a liar and I was getting excited over him and the person wouldn't lie.

I ended up crying in the evening begging him to tell who's saying this about me as it's ridiculous and then I told the friend I was with and she said but no one else was outside so who would of told him anyway?. We then realised he's made it up and he must of seen us laughing outside and come out with this?.

I told him I think he's lying now hes saying I'm deluded and weird, he's had it out with the person and I don't know them. Except I know everyone around here and there was zero people outside.

Why would he do this?

OP posts:
Original poster
pandapop26 · 13/07/2020 10:42

Sorry for all typos also

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 13/07/2020 10:45

Your only mistake was taking him back. Controlling and possessive people never change - their behaviour just escalates.

LessCumbersome · 13/07/2020 10:46

He isn't controlling in subtle ways. He's extremely controlling. You are in an abusive relationship. You can't work or see your friends or even laugh on the street without being interrogated. He is abusing you. I don't know what his reasoning or justifications are but it's clear he sees you as his property . This is not a good relationship and unless he gets a lot of counselling and dies a lot if work on himself ( he won't) then it never will be.

BellyMama · 13/07/2020 10:49

This guys a psycho - I’m sorry I know it’s hard when you love someone but you can’t go to work as you can’t be trusted?? Oh my, this is scary behaviour. You can do better and you will if you just get rid of this awful human being from your life. Please get help and support - this is emotional abuse. Call helplines, speak to friends, family, seek support to get away. Good luck!

category12 · 13/07/2020 10:57

You did the right thing splitting up. You need to do that again and this time make it final.

He's only letting you live half a life, he's controlling, possessive and abusive.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 13/07/2020 11:02

He's'an absolute loon, you need to dump his controlling possessive arse again.

pooopypants · 13/07/2020 11:07

I got as far as "I don't as I can't be trusted"

Dump. Fully. Block. Move on.

This won't end well OP

MashedPotatoBrainz · 13/07/2020 11:10

He's not subtle, he's blatantly controlling you. Pack his bags and tell him to fuck off for good. This will never get better.

user1456324865563 · 13/07/2020 11:11

Because he's continuing to abuse you. Simple.

AdaColeman · 13/07/2020 11:14

Get away from this obnoxious controlling bastard as soon as you can.

Once you are apart, NEVER take him back again.

He will not change. He will get more evil and controlling. Do not believe a single word he says to you.

Plan how you can get away from this dangerous man safely, and do it very quickly, before he destroys anymore of your young life.

Original poster
pandapop26 · 13/07/2020 11:14

I did think it was weird didn't realise it was that bad. But makes sense as before we had kids if I tried to go out with my friends he would turn up wherever I was.

I'm also not allowed apps like Instagram I mean I don't care it's just an app but still id like to be able to pick to have it, if I wanted too. He's also weird with his family and me like I'm not allowed to speak to them if I do he goes mad and he hasn't allowed our children to see them in years. But he goes on his own. They live 20 mins away.
If I bring it up he goes weird.

OP posts:
Pantsomime · 13/07/2020 11:16

OP a partner is meant to make you happy, he’s the total opposite. You need to dump, block, delete, ignore & see a councillor as this is not healthy. As your only relationship if 10 years I think you need RL help to identify why you think any of it could be your fault and what to look out for and totally avoid. Your self esteem probably needs a boost too - bin him today

PaquitaVariation · 13/07/2020 11:16

You’re not ‘allowed’?! That’s not subtle control. He couldn’t be any clearer about who he is if he painted it in giant letters across the sky. Get out of this relationship now.

pooopypants · 13/07/2020 11:17

Fuck that. Do all of you a massive favour and get the hell out before he starts controlling your kids too

Original poster
pandapop26 · 13/07/2020 11:17

I think I've just sort of accepted it as I've been with him since I was a teenager and don't have any other experience of anything else to expect.

OP posts:
MashedPotatoBrainz · 13/07/2020 11:28

Your partner should want you to be happy. He should want you to live your best life, to have friends, to work if you want to, to study, to do whatever.

I don't work and don't often see friends because of disability and my husband is constantly going out of his way to encourage and support me to do things when I feel able. He would be overjoyed if I left DS with him and went away for a weekend with my friend.

I think as you've said, you've lived like this for so long you can no longer see how awful it is. But it is awful and if you're not careful your children will think it's normal too. So for yourself and your children you need to get rid and start living again.

Original poster
pandapop26 · 13/07/2020 11:33

I've sent him a text and said I don't want to be with him anymore and can he leave after work he said "that's fine mate bye!". So rude

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 13/07/2020 11:37

Make sure you have someone in the house with you when he comes home.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/07/2020 12:08

Make sure he goes today.
I don't think he will go quietly.
Please do contact Womens Aid.
They do an on-line course called 'The Freedom Programme'
Do it as quickly as possible.
NONE of his behaviour is normal.
But you know no different so you need to educate yourself on abuse and control.
Womens Aid website has lots to read through so do it.
Keep him gone.
NEVER take him back.
Abusers cannot change, no matter what they promise.
This is an awful way to live and terrible example to set your DC.
Well done on telling him to go.
Make sure you follow through on this!

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