Givers and takers in friendship?

[Bellelou]

Do you think people in a friendship should make equal effort to maintain that friendship like you would in a relationship? Or are people just naturally ‘givers’ or ‘takers’?
I find I’m always the friend who makes contact, organises get together, or genuinely seems to bother about people.
I’ve often thought If I didn’t bother I wondered if they would

During lockdown I’ve continued working all the way through as a key worker whilst many of my friends have been furloughed or had reduced hours. In the beginning I made an effort to contact my friends regularly to make sure they were ok and didn’t need anything etc.
Then life just got busy trying to juggle everything and I suddenly realised last night with the exception of one friend none of my other friends have once bothered to check up on me. And that got me thinking that it’s actually always me who contacts them.
So is it because they not bothered about our friendship (&some date back 30 years +) or are there just ‘takers’ in a friendship who although they value the friendship don’t ever consider making contact first?
I’m genuinely interested. I’m not particularly hung up about it, although feel sometimes it would be nice if one of them thought about me and acted on it.

You’re right OP. People are very lazy in friendships. Same as you, my friends are always in my thoughts and I’m always wishing them the best.

The people who don’t bother to “tend” to their friendships will wake up one day when kids are older, husband’s on Illicit Affairs (or whatever it is MNers find their hubbies on) and realise they have no shoulder to cry on or anyone to have a drink/coffee with. They’ll be stuck with the type of friends who take gratification in listening to people’s problems for kicks instead.

The people who don’t bother to “tend” to their friendships will wake up one day when kids are older, husband’s on Illicit Affairs (or whatever it is MNers find their hubbies on) and realise they have no shoulder to cry on or anyone to have a drink/coffee with.

I think that's a weirdly programmatic view of friendship. But maybe I'm misunderstanding what you mean by 'tending' -- I mean, how much 'work' are you suggesting a person needs to put into a friendship over how long a period for someone to be able to assume she'll have someone's shoulder to cry on?

I don’t fuss over my friends like houseplants or keep ledgers, but I did notice when my husband was seriously ill that barely any of them contacted me. I didn’t contact them for a while as had so much going on. I looked through my messages and realised that it was ALWAYS me that started conversations or suggested meeting up. So I decided to just stop. It’s well over a year now! No contact from them, I bumped into one at an event and she was grumbling that she hadn’t seen me for ages and I hadn’t been round. But she hadn’t thought of contacting me! It’s sad, but I clearly am not very important to them.

@Ignoble you are right in that it should not be 'work'. More of a natural flow of interest, empathy, support and compatability of expectations.
Life can be really hard for many of us, if you dont have people that genuinly want to improve your human experience, whats the point?

@popcornlover sadly these people just continually move on to new 'friends'. I've known a few people like this over the years. They have a new best friend every year because they either get bored of one, or they aren't serving a purpose (or they have been dropped by them), so they just find someone else.

Whilst it would be great if everyone had Ignoble and her / his approach to friendships, I don't think that this is the way it works for many people. I think there has to be some form of reciprocal effort otherwise the person doing all the contacting might think things are one-sided or that the other person doesn't care if the friendship continues.

I am highly introverted and could happily go months without speaking to anyone but if i know a friend is having a hard time, or if I notice that someone has contacted me two or three times in a row and i haven't contacted them first for a while, then I will put some effort in to keep in touch or arrange meet ups. If i didn't do this, I would expect the other person to feel resentful that they are doing all the work in the friendship.

But how much 'effort' is it really to send a message or propose a meeting? I'm always a bit puzzled by people who seem to view friendships in terms of a complex set of obligations. Like a pp, I have absolutely no idea who usually contacts who in my friendships. I have people in my life with whom I've had no contact in six or seven years, but whom I'd still consider friends of mine, and would anticipate that the relationship may be rekindled in future if life throws us back together.

@Ignoble I COMPLETELY agree!

Well you don’t know what’s going on for other people.

If you’re my key worker friend who I’ve not been replying to, FYI it’s because I have depression.

@anotherdisaster I have seen this in action too. Am always pondering this method myself as some people do get boring after a while! Seriously, I prefer long term friends, and trying to be a good friend myself.

@Ignoble

Was just referring to your “Honestly, OP, I don’t feel the need to bustle around tending my friendships as if they were houseplants”

As long as your friends feel the same about you (which they probably do), it’s all good.

@Ignoble I also thought your post was “weirdly programmatic”, and you have a rather inhuman way of treating your friends - indeed as you would approach a task as “tending”, or project that you will “resume” when it suits you. That’s not how you treat people. I was implying that you will end up lonely. Hope that makes sense.

This is definitely my topic right now! didn't hear a peep out of my best friends for all of lockdown until the other day and another friend has become really flaky

I personally think we should all strive for a 50/50 approach. It is never going to work out that away exactly but everyone should try to put in the same amount of effort they get back imo.

A PP said they havdnt been in touch with friends and those friendships will be there to resume later. I absolutely do think you need to nurture your friendships and not just take them for granted.

I think everyone needs to get a little bit more leeway right now because we are in a pandemic. But I don't think we should forget about our friends in the process. Actually it is now more than ever that we should check in with each other.

So yeah in the end I think it is easier to be friends with people with similar expectations or you have to adjust yours if you can without it breeding resentments.

Out of ONE of my friends*

@popcornlover, thanks for the prediction.

However, as I am not young and have never lacked good, mutually-sustaining, longterm friendships, I think I’m the best judge of whether I’ll spend my old age weeping into my solitary gin.