Why would someone say these sort of things

[WhaWha]

Dm called my brother (49) to let him know that she was in hospital. His first response when picking up his phone was to bark "Why are you calling?" No "hello, how are you" or anything.

Dm then told my brother that they had tested her for CV among other things as they were worried she had been infected with the virus. His response on hearing "infected" was "Didin't I tell you that you shouldn't go round snogging strangers". For information dm has been married to df for over 50 years so I have no idea why he would say something so crude and disgusting.

Brother is married with with one son, has a good job own his house outright etc but he has had moderate depression on and off for some years. He has been unfaithful to his wife on numerous occasions including having an affair with his colleague for several years.

In the past, when I told him over the phone that I was expecting my first, long awaited child, his very first response was "does your husband know and did he want it?"

When I first brought my dh back to meet my parents he cam along to"see what kind of man was willing to put up with his sister". Dh happens to be rather lovely and on another occasion, at my ds' christening he told me if he was gay, he'd have a crush on my dh.

Whenever anything was discussed when we were younger, he would just be very argumentative and insist on his views. Saying that he did on a few occasions drop everything and helped out my parents.

At the moment my parents are both struggling with ill health and he has not once send them a text message to wish them well or to offer support. Neither has his wife or his grown up son.

So, wise mumsnetters, what's going on here, what sort of person says these sort of crude, tactless and sleezy things?

A nobhead?

An entitled twat. Why would your mother phone him to tell him this? Is he the favourite?

Do you think he could be the golden child?

Bipolar? Or some kind of personality disorder?

He's got some kind of mental health issue.

Or dare I say he's a narc!

He thinks he's being funny?

He is not the golden child, my mum is very nice in terms of helping with grandchildren over the years, financial support here and there (for both of us). Brother always had a chip on his shoulder. He simply never calls or messages when our parents have had serious health issues in the past. My father nearly died a couple of years ago due to very severe pneumonia and my brother didn't call him once during that worrying period.

He is just in the habit of saying very crude, overly sarcastic and sometimes sleazy things, just inappropriate.

Neither he nor his wife acknowledged the birth of dc2 and when he saw us for the first time with dc2 at a family event when he was about 10 month old, the very first thing he said when he saw us was "how much money are you earning on maternity leave", no greeting or anything.

I just don't get it. He is not a narc as he is not charming. Not sure about bipolar, I don't know enough about the condition.

Bipolar?

@Nowifi I have bipolar and it's not like that at all. People with bipolar usually have a few months occasionally when they're hyper or whatever and then come down to their normal. It's an episodic illness.

@WhaWha Yep, some sort of personality disorder traits I imagine.

Oh, and definitely a wanker but that goes without saying.

He just sounds like a completely ignorant prick that I would avoid whenever possible.

Clearly if you tolerate this rudeness it will continue.

Nothing to be gained by your parents contacting such a twat.

Cut him loose. Sorted!
He's bringing nothing to yere lives.

He just sounds like a completely ignorant prick

He is a ^sexist* ignorant prick. I have felt uncomfortable around him since we were children (he's 6 years older). I keep minimum contact. He as often made stupid comments about 'career' women.

My mum is very hurt by his most recent comments and his lack of showing any sign of support. I feel pretty detached from him but he used to really get to me. I just can't put my finger on why he would act in such obnoxious ways when really he seems to have a nice and comfortable life.

I think the technical term is;

"A total fucking wanker".

Well, he's certainly very angry.

Good that you keep a distance OP.

Sometimes we can spend time and energy trying to figure out people that aren't very nice.
Admittedly your brother does sound extreme!

I don't give people that are off a second thought...I just avoid them.

Your should encourage your parents to focus on positive things.

He's a twat, always has been, always will be.
Accept it and move on.

Make zero effort to contact him, inform him about anything, or tolerate his rudeness.

Be extremely abrupt with him.
Cut him off mid sentence.
Blank him.
He's a nasty piece of work.
The fact that he's family doesn't change anything.

If I found out my brother was acting like a fucking bastard towards my sick and elderly mom you bet I'd have unleashed hell on him via phone or in person. Why don't you ask him when he says such utter shit to you in the past? "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I'd call him and say "Mom called you because she's sick and worried but your fucking immaturity turned it into all about you! You should call her and ask for forgiveness you asshole!"

Only a total arsewipe would make those comments.

He sounds incredibly self-absorbed. I guess that you have to minimise contact with him.

Narcs do talk like this. They enjoy making crude insensitive and cruel remarks.

My brother says these things without pause for thought. Like an instant massively inappropriate reflex. There is always something crass and slightly offensive coming from him.

I know he has always felt in competition with me. He refused to go to University and later landed a very good job with the civil service (with mum's help) and has worked there ever since. He has a massive issue with me having gone to University and having my own career. I think he has always been jealous of me.

But whatever issues he has why he is unable to send a get well message to my parents at the very least is beyond me.

I wonder if I should keep very low contact or if I should refuse any further contact.

I don't want to pull him up on what he said to dm as it would open a massive can of worms. At the moment there is a thin veneer of civility between us. I live far away from him and our daily lives never cross.

There is the odd birthday / Christmas / New year's call or message. I'm wondering if I should cut all ties or keep up this minor pretence.

Why do people put bipolar disorder for when someone is being an arsehole? That's so offensive and misunderstanding of mental health issues!

To op sorry your brother is like that. What was your childhood like with him?

"Why do people put bipolar disorder for when someone is being an arsehole? That's so offensive and misunderstanding of mental health issues!"

Ditto with personality disorders. Yes, some people with them behave in unacceptable ways. I have BPD thanks to a very traumatic childhood, I am incredibly empathetic and the person I inflict most harm on is myself. It hurts when you log on to a thread trying to help someone to get met with that. It happens way too often.

Bad behaviour is a choice.

I completely understand your point PhannyPharts I don't feel my brother fits neatly into any 'label' but he seems quite messed up. And basically just talking shite. Hurtful shite. He has always tried to patronise me and for some reason since I was about 4 years old, I had little time or respect for him. Basically patronising and talking out of turn in a 'hilarious' and overly challenging manner and very often with a sleazy undertone at least to me and my mum. Less so to our dad.

He sounds horrible, don't get me wrong I know people with personality disorders can be awful but it really isn't all of us. I do also understand that having a label to pin nastiness makes it easier to understand. But some people are abusive and get off on the entitlement that abuse brings them.