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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Every time we argued he suggested breakup

12 replies

peachesandoranges · 12/07/2020 17:20

Ok so my rocky two year relationship ended recently. I know I shouldn't waste much head space thinking about it but I'm just trying to figure things out and move on, which is hard, because he happens to be a close neighbour.

Anyway so when it ended it was by text. It was a disagreement and he just put something like let's call it a day then as we're on different wavelengths and I was like oh honestly fine, I'm done. That was it.

Looking back now it seemed he often pulled the "let's just break up" card when we argued, from the beginning earliest arguments. I remember one argument early on when he was sitting on his bed and remember him clearly saying oh just break up with me then or something like that bear the end of a big argument. I am quite sure he did this many times during or following arguments.

What do you make of this? I find it quite odd behaviour especially for someone more than a decade older than me (approaching fifty).

I know I am better off out of it. Just had this realisation. I wonder if he expects me to try crawling back after this latest event, where I actually agreed with him and was yeah I'm done. (I think after most arguments I always came back to him apologising). Well he will be waiting for a long time as that ain't happening.

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Somethingorotherorother · 12/07/2020 17:29

From the sounds of it he's been trying to break up with you for a long time, and you've been overruling him, and he hasn't been pushing back. This time you've gone along with it, and now it's finally stuck.

fuzzymoon · 12/07/2020 17:30

Its a power play and he's trying to threaten you to win the argument.

He was obviously very confident that you wouldn't leave him and come grovelling back even when it wasn't your fault. He enjoys playing this game and only cares about himself.

Its quite nasty and controlling. He's not a good person and you're well out of it.

Well done for seeing sense and leaving.

nowayhose · 12/07/2020 17:31

The 'break up with me then' spiel is simply designed to keep you quiet and make you less likely to complain or pull him up on unwanted behaviour etc. Angry

You're supposed to shut up and put out, but that's all Angry

He's a manipulative prick and you're definitely better off without him.

BrandyandBabycham · 12/07/2020 17:36

DH was emotionally abusive for part of our marriage, including telling me he was going to leave or asking me why I didn’t leave when we argued. It really messed with my head!

peachesandoranges · 12/07/2020 17:37

Yes thanks I am inclined to agree with you both @nowayhose and @fuzzymoon as there were other red flags in his exhibited tiny signs of being controlling but only in some ways not others, so I was never quite sure.

Thanks @Somethingorotherorother but he always seemed to be very into me when we weren't arguing so I am not sure. But many arguments he would end up pulling that card. But then after we didn't speak for a few days we were back together, normally me apologising for who knows what (seeing as I recall at least in the early days, it was his temper that flipped and him starting the argument).

Maybe he is happy now but deep down a spiteful part of me is hoping that he still doesn't really think it is over, just so that I can prove him wrong this time. He said break up? Fine, done.

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peachesandoranges · 12/07/2020 17:42

Definitely think it was about making me less likely to pull him up or complain.

He was happy to have most of our issues blamed on me, but whenever I tried to mention anything I was not happy about, oh no, he wouldn't allow it. Sure some little things he took feedback on and did improve for a while but from the beginning I got the overwhelming feeling that he was unable to evaluate himself and hold his hands up to things the majority of the time.

I also feel it is a way of saying, I am not interested in improving myself as a person or compromising about anything important, or putting effort in, so we are breaking up. It is a way of being lazy.

Towards the end I did feel I had started to hold my tongue so that arguments were avoided so I guess that his conditioning me to never complain had started to work but fortunately I realised that. Which is why this time when he has threatened a break up I have just been like, fine. His loss I am afraid.

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DirectTalker · 12/07/2020 17:43

Too much thought into it. He didn't value you or the relationship. The only time it genuinely comes up in a reasonable manner is when someone is seeking reassurance, and even then, it needs calling out for what it is - an unhealthy of asking for reassurance.

peachesandoranges · 12/07/2020 17:47

He said he had never loved anyone but me. So whilst I was in it, I thought he did value me.

I realise now that was probably rubbish. I am not sure he knows what love is or what a long committed relationship is. He is so much older than me yet never had many long term relationships and was in fact single for many years before he met me.

He was in lust not love I suppose and when I wasn't playing along by his rules he had enough, couldn't be bothered. Preferred to go back to his boring and rather lonely existence than deal with me.

Well I guess I just have to move on.

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DirectTalker · 12/07/2020 17:56

OP, tbh it sounds like a lucky escape. No long term value in that relationship. Brush yourself off, and realise the only constant in your life is you 🙂

peachesandoranges · 12/07/2020 18:00

Yes I know thank you, it just hurts. I miss his company. But the bad times were bad, it was a pretty unhealthy dynamic.

It also just hurts that in his head he has blamed most of it on me, and me having supposed issues, when it is quite clear he has issues of his own, which he probably will never deal with given his age now, or even fully admit to.

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Este67 · 12/07/2020 20:38

My EXP used to do this to me all the time except he would usually walk out on me after saying it and not get back in touch with me for hours or even days, leaving me riddled with anxiety and panic. Be grateful you only spent 2 years with him instead of 7 like I did. By the last two years I'd stopped taking him seriously & so he stopped doing it, which tells me he was always using it as a way to stop me pulling him up on his behaviour. Well done for figuring it out quicker than I did! There is better out there for you.

peachesandoranges · 12/07/2020 20:51

I am sorry to hear that @Este67. I am glad you did get out in the end.

I know I haven't been perfect in this relationship either and I feel guilt for my part in things. But this is just something I realised today that I am sure started happening very early on.

Well I am remaining strong, we haven't been in touch since Tuesday, I want to show him this time that I am taking him by his word and that is it.

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