Am i being used?

[chasegirl]

Been seeing this man for a while. We message everyday and talk on the phone at least twice a week. Actually see each other every 3 weeks or so.

He works shifts and I am a single parent with every other weekend free so it us tricky. He let's me know when he is free but it doesn't seem to be that often. Planning ahead doesn't happen either.

He talks about his friends in a general sense but doesn't use their names and isn't very open about what he does when hes not at work. If I message him just general chit chat and ask what he's doing he often ignored that bit of the message.

I think I am being used and probably not the only person he is seeing. Do you think I am right? He's 50 if that makes any difference.

I agree. In his head you are a FWB. It's up to you whether that suits you or not.

How long have you been together ??
Where did you meet him ??
Have you had the gf/bf chat ??
Does he have children / family ??

Unless he leads a very boring life and doesn't think it's worthy of telling you, I can't see why you wouldn't drop in the day to day stuff ? But then I would still want to know if it was boring 😬

Met doing a hobby. Been seeing each other since February. He hasn't said anything about not wanting a relationship but I guess he wouldn't. He hasn't said anything about just being fwb either but I guess he wouldn't again. He mentions some stuff like shopping etc but never the other people by name.

We haven't had the chat yet.

He doesn't have kids

I'm thinking he might be married. Dump and block.

Planning ahead doesn't happen either.

Have you ever not been available?

Just sayin'

And have you had the 'are we exclusive' chat?

What do you do when you're together ?

What do you want from the relationship ?

It would be a little slow for me esp as you've known him since February.

I have been unavailable once or twice. Not had the chat yet, not felt able too but I think that's the next step. Not sure how I feel about doing it, I feel a bit kind of fragile anyway.

We cook, go for walks when we are together. I have been to his place and we have gone for walks where he lives. No chances of socialising together really up to now cos of covid.

I would like a proper relationship with him.

Do you stay over (shh I won't tell the government) and have you dtd ?

What's his personality - is he quite quiet and reserved ?? Do you match personality?

Questions - questions 😬

Yes have stayed over and him at mine. Last time was a whole day after a night shift then he came again for a bit the following morning after another shift.

He's quite outgoing with a lot of friends where I am a bit more reserved.

I don't mind the questions

What do YOU want from this? It doesn't sound like this is making you happy? Do you want to be exclusive? Is it really not possible to see each other more frequently than once every 3 weeks? That basically means you've seen him roughly 10 times? Is that really enough?

It's not making me happy, the not knowing for sure does make me feel anxious. I would like it to be a proper relationship with him tho

not felt able too have the chat

I mean this in the kindest possible way:

if you feel too fragile to discuss a relationship you are having with someone, then it might be time to have a break from relationships generally and do some work on your self esteem.

You will enjoy relationships a lot more if you feel that can be more assertive.

This is the problem when we have sex with someone before we know where the realationship is heading or whether there is even one. We inevitably get emotionally involved. Hold off next time until you meet someone who wants to get equally invested, but as always everything is a gamble.

Have thought that myself that I should be able to talk about this with him. I was pretty fine before it started tho

He doesn't sound committed tbh and too much into messaging than actually meeting ? And if he's not able to meet because of his work/ friend commitments then it's going to be painfully slow to get to know him.
So unless your mutual was tantric massage, I would find someone else to invest in ;-)

I need to have the chat don't I? That makes me feel slightly nauseous. I can't still in this weird situation?

Or I could just message him and call it off completely. But cowardly tho

Stay not still

Yes have a chat with him, find out what he wants, don't feel awkward, this is your life and your time and energy that your putting into this so it's important to know if your wasting time or not.
If men start being too vague, be more direct.

Still struggling. I have no idea how to start this conversation. Do I just start with where do you see this going??

Isn't that rather putting all the 'power' into his hands? Like he is the only one who gets to decide if it's going somewhere or not.

How about "I'm really enjoying our times together and think I can see this getting being more serious/committed in the future. What do you think?"

My now dh and I were fwb many many years ago. I very bluntly said I couldn't continue shagging if he didn't want a relationship. He didn't, so I stopped the shagging. It hurt, but it would have hurt a lot more if I'd keep quiet, continued the fwb and lived in a state of not knowing anxiety for longer as my feelings grew and his didn't.

Besides the point, but I was the one who ten plus years later started up the fwb arrangement again as I had no intention of having a relationship with him or anyone else. He was the one who pushed for it. Ten years later we're both equally in love and happy.

That might be a better phrase to start with. I need to plan and get some good sentences prepared or I will mumble and be incoherent and the be misunderstood

the start is when people present their best self. His best self is happy to only see you once every three weeks.

I'd fuck that for a game of soldiers, but if it's what you want forever, crack on.