Fwb hurt

[Theodoreb]

We are very close we always talk to each other about every problem. I have bipolar and had no choice but to go Unmedicated in order to switch meds as weight gain was dangerous. I was very manic and fwb stayed up all night every night to make sure I wasn't alone and to keep me calm. However he wouldn't have sex as he was worried I would regret it when I was back to normal and didn't want me feeling like this. Another friend visited and I ended up having sex with him me and fwb were never exclusive although being honest apart from being exclusive we were virtually in a relationship as he sleeps down and we always talk to each other about any problem. Well he is hurt as the sex I had with a mutual friend while manic has come out and I don't know what to do. Last night we spent night alone no kids and he didn't have sex with me but seemed to be after more deep loving reactions kissing me and cuddling me all night and asking me what did he mean to me? And I can tell he is hurt but he won't speak about it and I don't know what to do? I never meant to hurt him I didn't expect him to be hurt but if he won't even talk about it how am I supposed to help?

He clearly wants to be more than a FWB. How did you land upon the FWB scenario in the first place? To be honest what you describe sounds more like a partner.

It's his choice not mine that's what I don't understand I would go out with him in a heart beat but he doesn't think he's good enough there's the issue of a age gap but I would gladly be more I love him to pieces and I thought he knew that I would gladly go exclusive it's just that he never asks.

Maybe you should tell him you want to be exclusive. X

You have to talk to him about it. Hurt and jealousy are complicated - and I disagree that this might be because he wants exclusivity. It may be more that he feels that he was trying to be a good guy by not sleeping with you when you were manic, and then you slept with someone else, and that is what he’s jealous of. He feels that his noble gesture is not gratefully received, or felt that you chose someone else over him at that point.

Maybe he also needs to ask you how you feel about sex when you’re manic, at a time when you’re not. If you’ve had manic episodes before, presumably you’re in a better place to judge how you want support for these kinds of decisions, and he shouldn’t presume?

To add - it may be that he wants exclusivity, but it could be something other. Point is...you need to ask him

@wishfuldreamer I usually find manic sex to be very traumatic which he knows but I guess I thought he knew he had blanket consent meaning that anything goes in any mood state if I say it's ok.

We are very close we always talk to each other about every problem. I have bipolar and had no choice but to go Unmedicated in order to switch meds as weight gain was dangerous.

Have you gone onto a new med now? Please do, it's very important.

he wouldn't have sex as he was worried I would regret it when I was back to normal

This was very ethical of him. I had an FWB and he exploited me to the max while I was hypomanic- got me to do all sorts of things.

Another friend visited and I ended up having sex with him me and fwb were never exclusive although being honest apart from being exclusive

If you genuinely hadn't had the exclusivity talk and had started out as FWB, he has no right to have a problem with this.

Well he is hurt as the sex I had with a mutual friend while manic has come out

He should appreciate that friend kind of took advantage/made use of you. Other commenters mightn't know what it's like, but I have bipolar so I know what it's like.

kissing me and cuddling me all night and asking me what did he mean to me? And I can tell he is hurt but he won't speak about it and I don't know what to do? I never meant to hurt him I didn't expect him to be hurt but if he won't even talk about it how am I supposed to help?

If he's kissing etc and asking what he means then that sounds promising, doesn't it? Tell him what he means to you (he means tell him whether you want a relationship or not, or it's definitely an opportunity for you to say how you feel.) Apologize that he's hurt but say you weren't exclusive at the time and also you were ill or it probably would never have happened.

Maybe he did say in the past he didn't want a relationship ('not good enough for you' tends to just be a way of saying that) but has changed his mind. I would say that he needs to make it clear whether this is a relationship or FWB (sex when you're well.) It's not fair of him to mess with your feelings by not letting you know where you stand.

*Say you didn't realize he would be hurt if you did anything with someone else, as he's said he didn't want a relationship.

Thank you @soulofaggron that's exactly how I feel I am touched he didn't take advantage but at the same time I would rather he had as it would have stopped me doing something I do regret and I wish he had just talked to me. I am confused, and I don't know where I stand.

I would be wary of someone who says they are "not good enough" for you. It's a bit of a marker of someone who is using it as an excuse for emotional unavailability/being flaky in the future. Although it is a good sign that he feels enough for you to not have sex with you when you are hyper, knowing that you are particularly vulnerable then.

A proper heart-to-heart is needed here!

We talked a little today he knows I find it very traumatic having sex when I'm manic and he wanted to know if I was feeling ok or if I'm struggling with it, I told him it's playing on my mind a lot.

He asked am I having the flashes as I always get flashes of things I've done when manic that upset me, it's like I'll hear a song come on and a flashing video of something that happened will run through my brain.

I told him yes and he asked if I wanted him to sleep down a few nights till I feel better, he asked how my new medication is going, how I'm finding the side effects. But he's still not admitting he's hurt, think maybe next time dc are with my mum I'll talk to him.

At the moment he's treating me like a china doll he seems very worried about me. He told me to try and forget what happened and move on and realize that I cannot trust our friend and should stay away when I'm not feeling well. Will most certainly be having a chat when my dc are with my mum. Should mention he was raised by a unmedicated bipolar mother she refused her meds instead choosing to drink and he's always respected me for sorting my life out and getting medicated.