How do I deal with being the bad guy?

[Nighttimefreedom]

Separated from STBXH about a year ago. I always knew I'd be made out to be the bad guy and he would play the victim despite many problems he caused in our relationship. I don't want to put all the details in here but there was emotional and verbal abuse and leaving was very stressful with him laying on a lot of emotional blackmail even bringing the children in to it. There was no low to which he wouldn't stoop to try and push my guilt buttons and get me to stay.
However I must admit I did think that a year on things would be better.
He's just been to pick up our DD 7 this morning and left with tears in his eyes saying he's sorry, how can I be so heartless etc etc. I just have to grey rock him. We've been over things so many times there's nothing left to say.
I'm so concerned he acts like this around the DC. Occasionally my DD still says she wants me to 'join back in the family' and that only I am happy, her, DS and STBXH are all sad and it makes her sad when her dad is sad.
Honestly I think a large part of her unhappiness is because she doesn't want to leave me and go with her dad as much.
Still, regardless of the reasons she is right.
I am the one to break up the family. I can live with taking the blame and maybe they'll understand when they're older.
But ultimately I have been selfish and I can't get rid of the feeling that I should just go back and put up with it for everyone else sake.

It's not selfish to leave an abuser.
It would have been selfish to stay and raise you children to think women should just put up with abuse. You've done right by your daughter in leaving. At least now she also has safe space she can come back to with you, without that jerk in it.

The thing is I think I must have done a pretty good job of covering up the worst of it. Even to him. I don't think she can remember the bad times.
I refused to live in an environment of confrontation and arguments. So I tried to be as passive as possible and just made up my mind to leave when I could.
That meant it was a shock to both of them. My older DS not so much.

He says he's sorry and he's changed. For years all I wanted was for him to change but it's too late now I don't love him any more.
It feels like he's only sorry now he's hurt. When it was just me who was hurt it didn't matter.

"I don't want to put all the details in here but there was emotional and verbal abuse and leaving was very stressful with him laying on a lot of emotional blackmail even bringing the children in to it. There was no low to which he wouldn't stoop to try and push my guilt buttons and get me to stay.
However I must admit I did think that a year on things would be better".

You don't have to put any more details in, its all in the above anyway. Abusive men remain abusive post separation and divorce too. He has not changed an iota since your separation; he is still doing all the above and he is still using your children to get back at you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him, to him this most perfect of specimens. He is manipulating them and he is also pissed at you because now he will have to put the work in into finding another sap of a woman to look after him.

Why is he coming to your house at all to picking up your seven year old DD?. (What about his son?) How was that allowed to happen in the first place?. Informal contact arrangements like described remains a mistake here. Such visits to your home should cease, he ought to be seeing his children in a neutral setting and certainly not visiting your home.

For goodness sake do not go back to him under any circumstances.

How far are you along the process of actually divorcing him?. Do you have a Solicitor?.

If you have not already done so contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations.

He's emotionally abusing your DD, OP - he's manipulating her to try to control you and it's hugely damaging for DD.

It could also be straying into parental alienation territory, but in a slightly different form from the traditional sense.

Either way, you need to put a stop to it - personally, I would see a solicitor ASAP. Suspect the first step would be to write him a letter explaining the issues and warning him to stop, advising that contact will be withdrawn (for him to then apply for the courts) if his harmful behaviour continues.

I would also get DD some help in coming to terms with the relationship breakdown and in helping her to understand that she's not responsible for her dad's happiness. Such an awful way to treat a child.

He is NOT sorry and he has not changed. He feels entitled to act as he does and he does not care for his children either. He certainly does not give a crap about you as their mother.

She's only 7 and your son is older; he understands more so was not all that surprised really when you did leave. Your children, particularly the youngest, do not have the emotional maturity to understand the abuse he meted out to you and infact them too. She just sees sad dad and gets told a lot of old flannel by him. In that way she gets manipulated by him.

Well you did right to get out before she started to be able to sense the way you were being treated and the stress you were living under.

No child wants their mother to be unhappy.

The best thing you can do is to be as happy as you can in your new home. That way she will see that it was the right thing for you to do to leave her dad.

It sounds like she already knows he is not the nicest if she prefers to stay with you.

I'd make it clear 'daddy and mummy were not happy together so mummy had to be brave and leave. I know it was the right choice and I wont be going back. I'm sorry if daddy isnt happy about this. But know we love you very much'.

Had you stayed you would have been showing your daughter how to have a relationship. She would have thought you being passive was right and him getting what he wants is normal.

The number of women on here in crappy relationships because of what they thought was normal is staggering.

Now your daughter can grow up knowing that it’s okay to leave if it doesn’t work for you, and that emotional blackmail isn’t a reason to stay.

He is awful. NEVER go back, for the sake of the children as much as for you.

My son is older and was out with his mates and is going there later. He was picking up DD for their regular contact time, he is taking them to his place for his few days.
That part if it is fine actually, there's been no issues.
What you say about him continuing to manipulate me hits home. He would say he's just so hurt and upset because he loves me and misses me.

Indeed she is not responsible for him or his apparent (i.e put on or otherwise fake) sadness at his relationship with you ending. He is and will use these children here as a means of punishing you.

She is learning really damaging lessons about relationships here from him and that could also form her blueprint for her own relationships with men as an adult.

Sorry I missed a lot of replies since @AttillaTheMeerkat

Thank you I know you are right.

• Basically - Make it clear to her that it is 'brave' and 'smart' and 'right' to leave relationships that make you sad because everyone deserves to feel happy and safe and loved. To counteract his narrative that you are selfish or whatever.

I have thought about counselling for both of them actually.
I think they would have to keep it a secret from him because he would hate that and would try and get them to tell him what they talk about.

I just tell her I don't love him any more and that it's not right to stay married to someone you don't love.

I do worry about how this is impacting on her the narrative that she is responsible for others happiness. To an extent that is what got me in this mess in the first place.

Yeh your be wise to use it as a teachable moment. Not badmothing him but making it clear that when 'relationships' become toxic (arguing, upset, hurt ect) you need to know when it is time to walk away.

If other kids are mean to her at some point you could also make use of that. By telling her - 'dont try and be extra nice to them in the hope of winning them round. Just stay away from them.
Because they aren't nice people and it isnt your job to try to make them nice to you. Choose better friends instead. Love yourself and stay way from mean people'. As she gets older, she will make the connections and apply that advice to your situation with her dad.

This is a good time to teach your children that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Thank you everyone.

I do feel a lot better now. I know I've done the right thing. I just have these occasional wobbles and I feel like I've taken enough of my friends and family's time with this now.

Honestly as much as I'd feel sorry for her I just wish he'd find someone else and move on.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

This is a good time to teach your children that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You're right.

My exh was exactly the same, very abusive, he gaslighted me, told lies, mind games, as well as being physically abusive that ended up with him raping me. He used ds who was only 6 when we split as a way to carry on abusing me, telling him that it was my fault that we had split up, that I didn't love him, hadn't wanted him, that I was mentally ill & had numerous affairs while we were married ( I hadn't, my new partner was a friend who supported me when I left after he raped me) I stopped having any communication with him, my parents handled all handovers & any communications from him, I got a solicitor & had him in court within a week where he had to sign an undertaking to stop any harassment, it didn't all stop, but he changed from direct harassment via ds to harassing me & then my new partner via the internet by putting allegations on his profile on his governing body. I spoke to my solicitor who swiftly whipped it back to court where the judge told him without mincing his words that if anything else happened he would be charged with contempt of court & he would press for him to be held in custody until the end of the investigations for him raping me. Ds is 16 now & has come to understand why I left his dad, he has no illusions that his dad is perfect, knows exactly what his dad did to me & doesn't have much contact with him at all.

I think they would have to keep it a secret from him because he would hate that and would try and get them to tell him what they talk about.

Is it sensible to teach them it's ok to have secrets from a parent in an already abusive relationship? It could prevent you from being able to protect them from harm if they think it's ok to keep his secrets from you too.

Also, if he does press them for what they talk about in a confidential counselling session, that would be wrong, wouldn't it? So don't add to the burden on your DD by making her responsible for her father's abusive behaviour - it's not her job to protect herself from it by watching what she says to him, it's your job as the protective parent (whether that takes the form of writing to him, removing her from that environment or whatever).

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme, OP? If not, it might be worth googling it as I think you're still (understandably) reeling from the number he's done on you.

@LonginesPrime you're right it wouldn't be good to get them to keep secrets.

@nighttime freedom - It feels like he's only sorry now he's hurt. When it was just me who was hurt it didn't matter.

That's exactly right.

Stand firm and grey rock him. He's being a shit father by influencing his dc to think you're the 'bad guy'. You d always tell your dc in an age appropriate way that your h was nasty and did bad things to you, and that's why you left.

This sounds really tough.
I don't know what your childcare split is like, but would it be worth exploring supervised contact/ visits only if you are certain he is an abuser and is emotionally abusing and continuously upset your child.

I'm all for parents having 50/50 or fair access to their kids after separating but this is different if it's an abusive situation. He doesn't sound capable at the moment of providing a safe and nurturing environment for the kids. Their well-being is priority.
Solicitor?