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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you know your dc loves you?

23 replies

Acinonyx · 28/09/2007 12:15

This may be a weird question and I wonder if anyone else has this issue or anything like it. Dd is a normal, affectionate 2 yr old but I have always struggled with the idea that she loves me the way people seem to assume children love their mothers. I just can't seem to grasp or believe it and I am worried about my own insecurity.

My relationship with my own family was difficult and it seems I am expecting dd to be hostile and irritable and to prefer just about anyone else. It can't be healthy to feel like this and no matter how I try to control it it can't be good for dd. I always knew I was a tad insecure - but it's so much worse than I realised! JIll

OP posts:

Threadworm · 28/09/2007 12:19

She loves you, I'm sure she loves you. If she is hostile, indifferent, or whatever, that is against a background in which you mean more to her than anything. Children need to play out all these negative feelings they have towards someone who means so much to them.

Sorry, I know nothing about you and I shouldn't sound so certain, but it is sad to think of you doubtin yourself like this.

themildmanneredjanitor · 28/09/2007 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pagwatch · 28/09/2007 12:28

Hi
Without wishing to sound flippant ( REALLY not) - is that really the focus here.
I have really struggled at times for various reasons but have tried to concentrate on the fact that I LOVE MY KIDS.
From that most things naturally flow.
If you analyse how your child is feeling about you then you start respondingto that rather than just throwing out the full unconditional ( and therefore often joyous) stuff that your child needs.

Don't turn it on its head.
MY DS was not able to show me love for a long time so I do know what I am talking about.
Hust focus on your love for your child and it will become self evident. MY youngest says she loves me and hugs me all the time because that is what she gets from me.
You're fine. Of course you are loved. Of course you are!

Listmaker · 28/09/2007 12:29

My dd (9) ADORES me, I am the total centre of her world but she is HORRID to me sometimes but now she is old enough to write me notes telling me how she doesn't mean the things she says and how much she loves me. Your dd will definitely 100% love u.

WigWamBam · 28/09/2007 12:41

She loves you. You just have to let yourself believe it - and show her that you love her, too. If she is seeing hostility and irritability in you then she may start to show it herself, but if she isn't then there's no reason to expect that she will behave like that.

How do you know that she loves you? She shows it every day. I am willing to bet that when she hurts herself, she runs to you. That's because you're the only person who can make it better. When she wants a hug, she comes to you, because there's no-one else who hugs her quite like you do. If she has something which has excited her, you will be the first person she comes running to. You are actually the centre of her entire universe - and if that's not love then I don't know what is.

She has no other way yet of expressing that she loves you apart from being affectionate - at the moment she doesn't even know that there's a word for the way she feels about you, let alone that you are expecting her to show it in a particular way.

If you feel that you are perpetuating some sort of cycle in your behaviour then you need to break that cycle before it affects your daughter in the way that it has affected you. She is two years old; if there are changes that need to be made, they have to come from you - maybe with the help of counselling for your low self-esteem.

InMyHumbleOpinion · 28/09/2007 13:13

Children don't love their mothers in the same way an adult can love another person, and if that is the level of love you are expecting from your children you will be disappointed. You love her a LOT more than she loves you, and that is normal and right. You show her how to love by the way you love her.

ghosty · 28/09/2007 13:22

I agree with all here ...
I used to think that DS would be fine with anyone ... and in my days of PND I felt that I was just someone who looked after him and really he couldn't care less if it was me or someone else.
Boy, was I wrong?
Of course you are going to not be sure about this if you have never experienced unconditional love from your own family ... it probably seems like an alien concept to you. But what pagwatch says is so true, if you show your daughter unconditional and joyous love on a daily basis then she will return that to you and grow to learn how to love unconditionally.
You are the centre of her universe.

uptomyeyes · 28/09/2007 13:33

When our babies are born we know that we have to help them learn to feed and then to eat, we help them learn to sit up by supporting them with cushions and make sure the world is safe for them to learn to crawl and walk. The same goes for learning to express their love - they aren't born knowing that hugs and cuddles are an expression of love - we teach them that because thats how we express our love for them.

Do you find it awkward to express your love for her - I found DS1 quite "difficult" to love but I realised that it had to come from me not him. He is 10 now and I still tell him that I love him every day - and he still kisses me at the school gate every morning

Bouquets · 28/09/2007 13:47

I've come to realise that my DS (2y7m) is exactly like my dad who shows his love in practical ways like DIY and being ready to bring over his spare key when I lock myself out! He doesn't do cuddles even to my mum and although she complains about this, they've been happily married for nrly 40yrs so I don't worry about DS so much now. DS and my dad both have total self-belief and we are mere mortals compared to them LOL.
So I relish the very odd spontaneous bit of affection from DS and I deliberately shower him with irritating affection in the hope that he might learn its importance to us humans.

Sobernow · 28/09/2007 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lornaloo · 28/09/2007 13:57

I think the love a child feels for there mother at this age is more of a need they feel secure when with mummy and thats all they need to know. Mummys there she looks after me and comforts me when Im sad. Its an instictive love that I believe any child will feel for there mother.

lornaloo · 28/09/2007 13:57

Sorry should have read all post before writing that. Im just repeating what others have said

Original poster

Acinonyx · 28/09/2007 16:00

I agree Lorna - that it's an instinctive response to needs for a young child.

Ghosty - I have tended to feel that I am not special to her - that anyone would do. This isn't due to her behaviour - it's something in me. I haven't had PND - this is just a long-standing issue with me.

She's not difficult or hostile - that is just my fear of history repeating itself. It's hard to believe that it can really be different.

Pag - I can see how challenging some parents would find a child who was unable to express affection for some reason. I can imagine how upsetting I would find that. It is the focus 'here' because I have chosen to make it the subject of this thread. It's not something I expected to be an issue and I'm unpleasantly surprised by it.

Wigwam - no I certainly don't want her to feel the same.

Uptomyeyes - I found expresing it in words didn't come very naturally but I have got the hang of it!

InMyHumble - yes I'm sure that is generally normal although it doesn't tally with my personal experience which is the root of the problem I think.

OP posts:

Bouquets · 28/09/2007 16:13

This is exactly the kind of thing that counselling can help, esp psychodynamic psychotherapy. You've obviously spent time unsuccessfully trying to get your head around your family so an objective professional could help you analyse and address with the things you've been laying on yourself all these years.
Why not chat to your GP about it, see if you can get on a waiting list for counselling.

ginnedupmummy · 29/09/2007 17:02

Message withdrawn

Anna8888 · 29/09/2007 17:05

Because she gives me huge cuddles and puts her cheek against mine and says "And this is MY Mummy". And because her face lights up when I pick her up from school and she insists I pick her up and give her a huge cuddle before going home. And of course insists on having a huge cuddle before running into school.

Original poster

Acinonyx · 29/09/2007 17:20

I have had counselling in the past and don't think I want to go down that route just now.

Anna - that reminds me of dd poking me in the chest and pronouncing 'dd's mammy - mine'.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 29/09/2007 22:12

Acinonyx,

I know how you feel. I've just had my second child. She wants to be with me so much, even at six months. I find it hard to get used to although I love it.

My first child simply isn't bothered to be with me. It hurt a lot. Even from five months he only wanted his dad. It was so hard especially with MIL grinning away when DS totally rejected me in front of her aged 18 months, despite his being distraught over banging his head.

But I think he loves me in his own way. Even if he doesn't, I'll love him. He's a kid. He doesn't know any better. That's not to say it doesn't hurt and you don't start wondering what's wrong with you.

I think we have expectations of kids adoring their mums - some are very expressive, some just aren't. To a certain extent, it's about accepting that but keeping on being demonstrative and loving regardless. It's so hard.

Bouquets · 30/09/2007 19:00

Nobody is unloveable but I can imagine not having felt unconditional love from others growing up might make you feel like that. Do you feel the same about your DP?

DarthVader · 30/09/2007 19:13

Show her as much love as you can

It will all come back to you, some now, some in the future

Love isn't just about cuddles and saying "I love you mummy". Your child loves you for sure.

Original poster

Acinonyx · 30/09/2007 19:29

Winky - dd is actually very affectionate (how dreadfully I would have coped otherwise!) but she has certainly been a daddies girl and for a long spell I hardly seemed to exist when he was around - that was hard (and I also had it demonstrated on our only US trip to MIL!).

Bouquets - that's definitely the problem I think. I don't feel it with DP but I have a very home-loving affectionate DP - it's not easy for me to feel secure.

To cut a long story short, I was adopted at 15 mo after neglect and people didn't really understand anything about attachment issues in those days. It defintely impacts on my feelings as a parent. I panic if dd seems insecure. She has been very shy and clingy - she's a very gentle-natured, sensitive babe (gets upset if any of the characters in her story books are sad - can't tolerate even low level anger eg when I got cross with the video). I just want her to be this happy, resilient secure child - not like me.

Darth - indeed, it is just an act of faith in the end. I am feeling better about this issue - it has helped reading everyone's comments and just thinking it through and taking a chill pill.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 01/10/2007 07:57

For what it's worth, Acinonyx, you sound like a wonderful, loving, caring and thoughtful mother. Your daughter is lucky enough to probably take you for granted and your constant love and care. She'll grow up to be so confident - even if quiet and sensitive which is a lovely combination.

Believe that she loves you. Because she does.

Does her dad work and you a SAHM? Just wondered. That's my cirucmstance and daddy is very very special to my DS because he only really sees him at weekends.

I'm upset to hear how babies are affected so much by neglect. It's awful. Then you get those Clare Verity people advocating neglect.

Bouquets · 01/10/2007 09:21

You should be proud because you've already given her a better start than your parents gave you and the fact that you worry about these things makes you a good parent too. Her sensitivity is unlikely to be a reaction to yours so if you assume she is naturally sensitive then she is in good hands, non?
Glad you've found such a great DP, nice blokes are so underrated LOL. Don't forget also that he is an articulate adult and can actively detect your needs and it's his job to act accordingly.

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