Please can anyone help me do life differently?

[Seemly]

Please bear with me - what I'm about to write sounds so immodest and boastful which I promise I'm not but I'm trying to give a fairly accurate portrayal.

I'm in my 50's, with 4 dc. I had a very happy marriage until my dh died. He was an amazing man and he absolutely loved me, and told me so on an almost daily basis. I loved him too.

I have a great relationship with all my dc. I have good friends who seem to like me! I've never had a career as such (my choice really) but I have a job I love which involves helping people.

I think I'm a nice kind genuine person. I've been told I'm attractive.

But - here's the but! - I have no confidence and no self esteem. I spend my life thinking I'm not good enough, and I can't convince myself otherwise. In any situation I'm quick to accept blame, quick to minimise anything which might have upset me, quick to assent to something I don't especially want to do, quick to subjugate my feelings etc. It's hard to explain because if you met me you wouldn't necessarily think I'm a complete walkover - possibly because I use humour a lot to deflect - but I just don't value myself! I have so much to be thankful for, I really do. I see this every day through my job, and also through a volunteering role I have.

I'm just contemplating starting to do online dating and I hear all the advice about needing a thick skin and not taking any shit and valuing myself etc. The problem is, I somewhere subconsciously think I don't deserve the best, and I definitely don't value myself!

I want to, and I have brought my dc up (with late dh's help of course) to value themselves. I just can't apply it to myself and I want to and I need to! Please hit me with any advice!

Have you had counselling yet? For a question of this nature, the answer isnt really simple enough for an internet forum to answer. A good counselor can help you analyze your behavior, figure out what needs to change, and help you create a behavior/thought change plan. And then hold your hand as you learn the new skills and habits you need.

Honestly you sound intelligent and obviously kind hearted but I think you need to work on your self esteem and your inner child before you start to date.

It’s for your own benefit online dating is a minefield! Only then will you find true happiness.

Thank you both for your answers.

rvby I had bereavement counselling after dh died, but no other type of therapy.

It's so frustrating because I'm perfectly able to advise friends who may be suffering low self esteem or other problems, and also I know that the way I feel about myself isn't an accurate representation of who or what I appear to be to others.

Mix I completely understand your point about old being a minefield, and I think in fact, that might have been what's promoted me to start this thread. I'm increasingly lonely and aware that time isn't on my side, but I also know that I will potentially find myself hurt and upset if I encounter unpleasantness towards me!

Might be good to find a different counselor or life coach sort of person? If you have a good theoretical understanding of how you should be thinking and living, but it doesn't seem to translate into action for you, then having that second set of eyes can really help?

FWIW for me, the first step is always journaling my feelings. Every day if need be. The reason that is my first action is that it's a way to sort of get to know yourself better, to find patterns in your feelings, reactions and behaviors. Once you start to see those patterns, you can start changing them over time.

Thanks rvby, I think a different therapist might be a good idea but I'm not sure finances will stretch to it at the minute. I think lots of my issues stem from my upbringing and parents, and while dh was alive, he was able to see that, to value me for who I actually am and not who my parents thought I was, and to love me for me, the real me. And although I still always thought I wasn't good enough, I had him there to try and convince me otherwise.

I'm eternally grateful that I seem to not have passed my issues on to my own dc, but now I want to be the sort of assured and confident person you'd expect someone in their 50's to be! I'm still far too bothered by what people think of me.

Anyway - thank you for taking time to reply, I really appreciate it.

Oh - and yes, journaling is a good plan. I do actually do this but it's more of a "what I did today" type thing, rather than a "how I felt today". I'll make an effort to record more about feelings and reactions and try to see patterns as you say.

I think if you had one good man you'll find another.you are clearly good at relationships and so you just need a good set of rules to follow for yourself. Red flags/deal breakers etc because there's no doubt about it later life dating is full of the dregs of the men world. So you just need to learn how to spot them and cut them off straight away.

Then when you do meet a lovely one you will have more income if you're living together and can do some therapy etc but the best healing is the type that comes through being loved for who you are. You've made it happen once, you have friends who do, so have faith.

The fact you can see your positives is a positive !
My honest opinion ? Steer well away from OD for a while . It’s a shark pond

The likelihood of gaining a lovely relationship is low . The likelihood of getting your self esteem ducked up is HIGH

Sorry , I’d focus energy on your life and interests and IF you meet someone lovely , great

That’s just me ! I have heard nothing positive about OD and as someone with low self esteem , it’s risky

My concern is that if you start OLD with low self esteem you will end up with someone who isn’t good enough for you. That mismatch can feel awful. A colleague’s husband told me that although he and his wife loved each other and did all they could through a long (and ongoing) marriage, he knew he could never be what she deserved. Told me never to ‘marry down’ as it leads to such unhappiness. (Not about money or education necessarily).

She would never have said anything like that but we all knew she was having an affair with a senior manager.

I can empathise a bit. I also am good at motivating others, and apparently clever and good looking enough but hard as heck on myself. I am always berating myself for not doing just a bit more, working a bit harder, looking a bit better and it can be a bit of a joy killer.

I have recently met someone who is (as well as being gorgeous!) talking me through it and gently showing me that I'm actually okay. So I think, whether friend or otherwise, you probably need someone who you can chat to who can help you to unravel these feelings. There are also a lot of positive and helpful articles online.

As far as online dating goes. I have met my new chap online, but not on a dating website. We met talking on a forum about education and then met at an open day. So perhaps it would be worth considering what you enjoy or are interested in and pursuing that avenue?

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like you had a lovely marriage and together you’ve achieved a lot.

What struck me most about your post re online dating is that you are afraid of ‘unpleasantness’. Well you’ve already suffered the most unpleasant thing of all, the death of your DH, and emerged in the other side. Nothing you encounter will compare with that. It’s all a learning experience, about yourself. It’s exciting and revealing. If you find someone though OLD, great but that’s a bonus. The big opportunity now is to find yourself.

As you seem to be quite self awake are already and have an idea of what is underlying your issues etc I think something like CBT to change the automatic but wrong Thought of “I’m not worthy” could help. There is a good book called Mind over Mood which although a little pricey is basically a DIY guide to CBT and often used in NHS work so is good. I think that journaling plus that book this simple Self exercise would help you significantly.
Self exercise-Split a piece of paper Into thirds in columns. In the first list the aspects of yourself that are private or inner to only you: deepest fears beliefs etc
In the second list the public self- who your friends would say you are. Your kids etc. What you show to others. Then lastly write a list of your ideal self. Who you’d like to be or aspire to be.
Now look at the columns and identify which areas overlap eg I’m trustworthy could be in all three columns. Or are close eg I know I am considerate, people see me as kind and I’d like to be a good friend. They’re all pretty close. These areas are good and show a good developed Self that is congruent and will be comfortable to live as. Now look at the areas that have gaps. Are those gaps surmountable- eg I know I am overweight, my friends would say I’m okay but a little bit plump, but my ideal self has a BMI of 21. In that case I may always be feeling I’m never good enough as I may never reach BMI 21 and perhaps my ideal self needs tweaked to BMI 25 or 24 which is doable rather than always feeling I’m not good enough. Other things could be more serious like a depressed person whose inner self is depressed and full of self loathing But whose public self is full of fun and laughter. That person has a huge gap to overcome in order for the friends to be able to support them and to know their friends actually care- or else they think “if they knew the real me they’d hate me too” which further impounds the self loathing.
The goal is to have all three aligned in a similar way to see you’re not living any aspect of a lie or untruth which can lead to MH issues and self worth and esteem issues. To identify areas needing the work and use the journaling to do that. Examine where that belief came from. Is it valid? Helpful? Whose voice says it to me? Can I let it go now that I recognise it isn’t mine?
Hope this is some help and sorry it’s so long. I will add a link to the book in my next post in case this gets lost!!!

These are the same book but second hand you’d get cheaper. @Seemly
Also. A helpful inner voice to develop could be that of your late DH- to replace the negative one that probably belongs to your parent.

Thanks so much for all the considered responses. I'm at work right now so can't reply as I'd like to - just wanted people to know I appreciate the time they've given :).