What's online dating like in London for women in their late 30s who still want kids?

[istherehopeformeornot]

I'm 38 and have been online dating in central Scotland for over 10 years (with a handful of shortish relationships in that time and a few years out for work reasons) but ultimately I'm still single. I've met lots of men who have really liked me but I've never felt any of them came anywhere near to being the right person for me. And while loads of men were contacting me in my late twenties and early thirties, there are far fewer contacting me now, leading me to despair slightly.

My friend reckons I've exhausted the local dating pool and thinks I should come to London (where she is) where there are more people from more varied backgrounds and I have to say I'm giving it some serious thought. Can anyone tell me though if, as a woman in my late 30s who still wants kids, I'm likely to get decent people contacting me or writing back to me? Or will it just be tumbleweed? What have your and your friends' experiences been like mumsnetters? Is there any hope?

Obviously I'm aware that Covid might scupper any plans but I need some sort of plan going forward on the offchance that dating is possible at some point in the nearish future!

No mumsnetters dating or have dated in London in their late 30s?!

In general, dating in big cities (London, NY etc) is much harder than smaller towns. You can get dates, yes, but settling down in a long term relationship would be much much harder in comparison. Anyway the idea that you have "exhausted the dating pool" and moving to have more dates sounds ridiculous. Is your friend single too?

To be honest I think there is something wrong with online dating. I have friends who have done it for years (both male and female) without much success. It's not the right medium for a lot of people with long term relationship goals in mind, and it becomes more of a merry go round, thrill of a new person, a few evenings out, a few rolls in the hay, and on to the next one. My friends who do online dating are all good looking, accomplished, and fun people, but still single.

Given that you are late 30s your fertile years are very limited so depending on online dating to meet someone is a big gamble. Have you thought about going at it yourself?

hey OP, I'm 34 and have been OLD in London for nearly 3 years.

What I want is a compatible, happy relationship leading to settling down and family. What I have managed is a long, long string of short flings, ongoing pleasant non exclusive things that go nowhere but are nice company and countless dates.

The pool will be new to you and is big but I've found a lot of men are looking for sex and casual relationships until quite late on (compared to my northern hometown).

Would you have other reasons for moving to London too and a career that could work here?

I started a thread a while ago when I had a big panic about never meeting the right man and a poster said she'd tried a paid dating agency, an old fashioned non-online one (she didn't mention the name). Apparently the fee was about a grand but they found her a good number of well matched dates (obv they didn't all hit it off) and she met her husband quite quickly.

Perhaps this would be worth a try before upping sticks entirely (unless you want to do this anyway)?

@istherehopeformeornot one more thing I just remembered - if you are open to dating Indian/south asian origin people, there are a few big sites that people use. These have a lot more marriage minded, serious, and well educated guys and apparently are not totally welcoming to non-Indian people. One co-worker met her husband this way.

Sorry, they are totally welcoming, not sure why there is a "not" there

Thanks *Anavia" and "sweetbird"!

To be honest I seem to be good at getting men to fall for me (which was a big surprise as I'm not particularly good looking or thin and amn't the best catch in a lot of ways). I could have settled down with quite a few of the men I've met, I just never fall for them back.

Ha ha, yeah, my friend is single too and isn't much into online dating but she knows I am and reckons it might be an option. I've frozen quite a lot of eggs which will hopefully buy me a little extra time but I'm more than aware that the clock is ticking. I really don't want to go it alone as I have a health condition that would make single parenthood really hard. Although I know you can't guarantee you won't end up a single parent at some point.

I'm self employed so can work from anywhere thankfully and London looks like it might be fun - my life could do with a shake up in all sorts of ways!

I've been thinking about paid agencies but I haven't heard many success stories (whereas I've heard of quite a few success stories from OLD). That's encouraging that you know someone who had a positive experience.

And yes, I'm very open to dating Indian/south Asian people - that sounds like a really interesting lead. Do you have the names of any of the sites?

Can't speak for the London dating scene, but in your shoes I would look into having a baby alone (sperm donor or co-parent with a friend).

Sorry I wrote that as you were writing your last reply! Do you have any family who could help you with a baby?

My parents would help but they're getting older obviously. I'm not really sure I want to go it alone anyway. I think I might rather just keep looking for a fulfilling relationship and not have kids but I'm still considering all options.

I think one was shadai, but she was on a couple of them, you should google. The thing is though you have to be ready for marriage and a more traditional family life (i.e. traditional gender roles). My colleague went about it in a serious way, discussing 5-year goals etc on the first date since she really wanted to have children and didn't want to waste her time dating for years. There were a lot of frogs, but she did meet someone and got engaged withn a year, but had to leave her job and move to a small town in scotland to be with him.

Also do you have any hobbies? Have you tried joining groups and meeting people that way?

Not specific dating experience but most of my husband's friends didn't settle down until their late 30s and had their first child at 40. All London professionals and quite frankly were in no rush to settle down.

My friend who lives in Edinburgh found it hard dating at 29/30 as she said a lot of men she met were married by that age (this was colleagues and friends of friends) whereas in London the same type of guys tended to be single.

My friend lived in a naice London area and did NCT. At 31 she was by far the youngest and the next one in age was 39- most were 40-45.

It's shaadi for the Asian dating website
The men are definitely wedding focused but definitely meet the family first as I've many a horror story on Asian mil & fil

Thanks AnaVia - I had a look but most did seem to want you to actually be Asian. I'll check out a few more though and have a proper look at Shadai. Can't remember if it was one of the ones I looked at.

That's interesting about your Edinburgh friend Dreaming. I started dating in Edinburgh when I was 27 because I was getting absolutely no interest in real life at all. But online dating solved that one pretty quickly, shame the numbers have dwindled with each passing year.

That's interesting about mothers being so much older in London too. I've been surprised that the other mothers in the groups my friends were in up here were all about the same age - early to mid thirties. I'd have thought there would be more older mothers given it's a very middle class area with most women being highly educated (especially as only half my friends have had kids, although I realise many of those who haven't by now never will). Maybe London would be easier for me if I do have kids. I worry the younger mums won't want an older mum in their friendship group although that's probably the least of my worries!

Yeah, meeting the family is a good tip. I was seeing an Asian guy for a while in my twenties and while it wasn't serious with him it sounded like it would have been a no go for me even if we'd both felt more strongly. His parents wanted him to marry an Asian and were openly derogatory about white women. I would hope that that kind of attitude wouldn't be common but who knows. Although I suppose you have to be careful whatever someone's background. Plenty of horror stories about PIL from every walk of life on mumsnet!

I still think that meeting someone in real life is better than online, so through work, meet ups or hobbies. I used to work somewhere that has 12000 employees. I've seen many singles in their 30s, 40s and 50s finding their match there. It does mean opening up and trying to meet new people from all over the place all the time, so you do need that mind set. You need to have the boldness to ask someone to have a coffee together.

I was 31 when my son was born and one of my closest 'mum friends' was 40. Doesn't affect us in the slightest as we get on well but I'm detailing the thread.

Could you sign up to an OLD and use a London address and see if there are more men?

So OD has worked but you been picky with the men you could had an relationship with. Says everything.

Your never going to meet the perfect man.

Not looking for the perfect man ukgift - just someone who's company I enjoy and who doesn't have any dealbreaker flaws. I haven't enjoyed the company of most of the men I've met online unfortunately and the ones whose company I have enjoyed have had dealbreaking issues - alcoholism etc. And of course not everyone wants a long term relationship with me.

Unfortunately I'm self employed isthisfinallyit and work from home so not opportunities there. I've been to a lot of meetups over the years and go to every party I'm invited to. But I just don't seem to connect with men easily (although they seem to feel that they connect with me easily) Very frustrating.

@istherehopeformeornot if you are willing to move, have you considered somewhere else, like paris or rome, or singapore? There are some strong expat communities that you can connect to, and it would be an adventure in any case. Better than old smokey london.

Secondly, what are your hobbies? Do you have anything that is not too general and fairly gender neutral?

What about an older man, maybe divorced? By the time most of us hit 40, I think there is always baggage. Are you in Edinburgh?

Oh god no AnaVia, I'd want to stay in the UK - my family and friends are all here and I want to settle here. And the attraction of London is the high number of native English speaking men! Although Paris, Rome or Singapore would have been lovely for a few years if I were a little younger!

I don't really have any hobbies other than reading and learning about new subjects - all pretty solitary. I've tried all sorts of things over the years to meet people but I never really enjoy the underlying activity so nothing's ever stuck.

I'm about the same distance from Edinburgh and Glasgow "Calledyoulastnight" - so near lots of other towns in central Scotland too but just not getting much interest any more, even from older men (plenty of men in their 40s were contacting me when I was in my late 20s though. Sigh). But I'm open to meeting someone older.

HI istherehopeformeornot, I feel for you. I'm 43 and I am in London and I have been dating online on and off for the last few years. It's a bit different for me as I have two kids and I don't want anymore. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, men are generally not put off by me having children. I think men in London are generally pretty open-minded. Initially, I was very open about the fact I have kids before we meet but lately, I have not bothered as most men will ask the question if it matters to them and if it doesn't matter, they will usually find out on the first date when the topic comes out naturally in conversation and they are of the attitude, I assume you would have kids anyway at your age!

I have found the dating scene in London okay. You have to have strong boundaries. Any signs of game-playing, ditch. But I agree with the poster above, there is very little follow-through, I have been on so many first dates where the guy says he wants to see me again, and then tumbleweed... More often than not, they have had second thoughts and not bothered to get in touch. Ah well, their loss. I do think meeting someone you have chemistry with and who wants the same things as you is like looking for a needle in the haystack for ANYONE!

I did meet someone last year who was absolutely lovely and at 48 still wanted biological children but we didn't work out for other reasons. I also have childless friends in their 30s dating and again, find it difficult to actually meet someone who is keen to settle down. I also have a FWB who is 37 and so, so lovely but is more keen on drinking/doing drugs than settling down. He won't go on the apps, he's off the view if it's meant to be, it will. I just think for men of that age, they can still play and have fun and not worry about their biological clock.

Ultimately, what I am trying to say is if having kids is important to you than having a relationship, then choosing to have children while you are fertile is the only sensible option. I never set out to be a single mum so you could meet someone, have kids with them and still end up single in your 40s/50s (like me!). But you will have the kids you've always wanted. If you put having the perfect family unit above having kids, then you could jolly well end up with neither. And would you be happy to be in a relationship without children? These are all questions you need to ask yourself and answer honestly.

I know I speak from the priviledged position of having two beautiful children. And I have actually found dating in my position quite freeing. My children's Dad is involved. They are now 12 and 10 so I am no longer doing 'active parenting'. I have quite a lot of free time. I am not looking for a Dad for them. I am looking for someone who excites me and I can see a future with them. And dating is fun. My criteria is quite wide so I end up meeting lots of interesting people! And if I don't end up meeting someone, I have my FWB to fall back on at the moment. It's really not a bad position to be in. I feel if I get a good 10 years with someone, I will be happy. My life is fulfilled as it is! Just another viewpoint to consider... Best of luck!

Thanks TwoBoys - that's reassuring that men aren't put off by having children. If I ever find myself in that situation I will be glad of that!

And yes, I don't stick around for game players. I'm pretty ruthless on that front.

Funnily enough, I met loads of guys who wanted to settle down in my younger years. They just didn't have the relationship skills to make it an enjoyable relationship for me though.

I don't know if I want to have kids without a partner to be honest. And yet being childless looks rubbish. All of the options look bleak at the moment. My life doesn't feel fulfilled and I can't see that it ever will be fulfilled. I've contacted a few dating agencies today though so we'll see if anything comes of that.

@istherehopeformeornot do you think you can ever be happy without finding that romantic love? I'm 31. In the same shoes as you and people say "oh just be happy with yourself". Yes I am but I want love too. Losing hope now. All the best to you x

Well if you move you might meet someone at work or a new friend group. That’s more likely. It’s good to get out of your comfort zone and meet new people.

OLD personally has been bad for me in that age bracket and it got worse for every year added to my age.

Hi @istherehopeformeornot yes you absolutely have a great chance in London! I lived there for 20 years and did OLD from ages 30-39 on and off. Like you, I had mixed experiences and could have settled with a few guys but am so glad I held out as I met my brilliant fiancé 2 days after my 39th birthday. I’m now 43 and we have a beautiful 2 year old son together. We won’t try for any more kids as we got so lucky and don’t want to push it and yes I wish I’d met him younger so we could have but I am also extremely grateful for what we have.

My advice is it’s a numbers game, and don’t be picky about something that doesn’t really matter, like him being 5 inches taller, etc, as long as you find him mentally and physically attractive.

He had been married before but no kids so that makes things easier but I have another friend who also met someone at 39 and is now engaged with 2.5 year old, plus a friend who is 42 dating a guy with 2 kids - she is sad not to have had any but they couldn’t be happier together and the step-kids thing works fine. I think they met on Tinder.

So keep your chin up and your standards (appropriately) high! The site I used was POF by the way! Good luck