Was this controlling behaviour or was I controlling?

[WhoamI83]

So now that my marriage is a fair few months behind some of the things I put up with and he persuaded me was me being controlling I’m not sure about anymore.

He would always come home from work late, when I say late several hours late. But he expected a dinner for him (I always finished work earlier) It happened all the time, wouldnt be so bad if it was every now and again. So I would wait and wait for him to come home and in the end gave up and ate on my own, later on in the relationship me and the kids would hang on until it was just too late. He never called or text to say I’m staying late. He did used to stay late to drink with work colleagues and would drink and drive and I would always worry about him. Every time their would be an argument and I would say can’t you just send a quick text to let me know. For example did your not coming and eating after work I don’t have to cook or I can go out also.
Sometimes I waited till the middle of the night for him to return. His answer was always that I was controlling and I didn’t want him having friends, this was not my intention. I just thought it would be a decent thing to let your wife know.
Maybe I am wrong???

Similar story. Every year he would take a visit home (abroad) I stopped going because all he did was drink and smoke weed and it was of no interest to me. He wouldn’t bother calling or texting just to say Hi, how are you, love you etc etc. He just said I was trying to control his time with his family and he sees me all the time. Was it wrong just to have a text. I loved him and I actually wanted to say hi, how is your family etc.

I get the impression that he did what he wanted and I could shut up. He never even after 15 years bothered to send a text if he wasn’t coming home. Was I asking too much?

From him yes. He's an considerate bastard who refuses to behave as part of a family. He's quite clearly shown you who he was early on and to expect any common decency and respect from him is just banging your head against a brick wall. The wall remains fine and you get hurt. I suggest you look into walking away from this brick wall, or live your life without expectations and just ignore him.

I left him 6 months ago thank god!

INconsiderate bastard! Bad bloody typo to make!

Huzzah!! That update makes me very happy.

Also when his mum or sister came over to stay with us he would push me away and say I was needy. He sees me everyday so I’m getting in the way. I couldn’t just stop being his wife so I would just remove myself and give him space. I always thought we were a family 100% of the time and we would spent time with our extended families together.

You were not asking too much and he sounds like a selfish arse.

He sounds like a bastard. Thank goodness he’s history now.

I had this with m ex and I'm still not sure 18 months on if I was controlling or not. I don't think I was but he constantly made me out to be controlling. All I wanted to know was whether he would be home for dinner or not and whether I should eat my own meal. Or if we had an evening out planned he'd often just go out with his workmates and not even tell me and if I phoned to ask where he was he'd just ignore me phoning and then accuse me of being controlling later on.
My ex would also often show up in the middle of the night.

I know I probably should have just got on with things but when someone says let's go out this evening and we're going out at 7 and then it gets round to 7 and they aren't there, you think they might be there in half an hour and so on so no point in doing something else or starting to eat because they might turn up anytime.

So I'm also interested in the replies to the post because the situation was very similar.

I sat him down many times and explained that for one he should not be drinking and driving and two it made me anxious having no idea where he was or when he would be back or whether he was in a ditch somewhere. He was an abusive bastard and these are mild examples but it just felt like I was being gaslighted. Telling me I was controlling when I think he was doing it to show he was in charge and not caring about my feelings. Perhaps he liked me being at hope anxious not knowing what was happening.

So you were the one in the relationship that took responsibility for making the evening meal?

And he made it clear that he expected an evening meal?

If you employed a cook to make your evening meal, would the cook be controlling to ask you what time to make it for?

Of course not. You were absolutely not controlling in this situation.

If you employed a cook but expected him to wait about until you arrived and cater to your whims as and when you expect them to. Then you would be controlling, selfish, self centred and more. A one off would be forgivable but regularly just shows how entitled he is.

And to keep your children waiting as well? Really not good. I don't like your ex, good for you for getting rid of him.

And I would have LTB for the drink driving alone. My aunt was killed by a drunk driver, I have zero tolerance and have reported people for it.

No you were not being controlling at all. You were only asking for basic human courtesy. He demanding a dinner whenever he felt like coming home was controlling. The not contacting you while he was away isn’t controlling on either persons part, but it shows how little he cared about you.

I hated the fact he drink drives, it’s part of the reason he can’t take the children now.
He was coming to the house stinking of alcohol so I stopped him having them. He hasn’t done anything about it!

He sounds really, really awful. I read some of your other posts. Are you trying to decide if he's narcissistic? Or personality disordered at all?

@LessCumbersome I have a feeling he is narcissistic. It was all about his needs, his feelings, his dream. He’d take no responsibility for anything so he therefore took no blame, he was like blame Teflon. He wanted me to worship him, he was my saviour. He had me believe I was entitled, he told me enough but I think that was projection. He was entitled to a slave, a mute .

I have a poor relationship with my dad and it got very bad at one stage, you remind me if what I was like then. Trying to look at all these different behaviours and identifying what they are just so you can create a picture that you can actually understand. People who have disordered personalities are so difficult to have a relationship with , sometimes nigh on impossible. I sympathise with you, I bet you feel like you're going crazy with this. I get that feeling anyway.

He did also switch between sad little boy to angry monster. I never really realised how big the switch was until now. Two completely different people. I do believe I had told him several time’s I loved one half of him. It really did mess with my mind trying the keep the nice husband who showed vulnerability.

I honestly thought I was the crazy one, but It was him and I need to change my mindset to that now. I am actually quite stable now I have left. I have my kids and we are doing ok!

Covert/vulnerable narcissist, have you looked into that?

That's what I think my dad is, they are truly awful people to understand. Have you did the YouTube videos and signed up to Melanie Tonia Evans free 16 day course?

I think I did. He grew up in an abusive family, his dad was really bad. I believe half of him is really vulnerable, that’s the person who I loved. I didn’t care that he had that kind of upbringing. The other half was a monster like his dad.

It’s very sad because I loved him very much but loving him was killing me so I chose my children. It’s hard!

Everything that I understand is that the vulnerable side, the side you loved, was a lie. The monster is the real him. I would sign up to Melanie Tonia Evans free course. She sends and email every day and is good for relationships like yours. She kind of tries to sell a course at the end but I just ignored that. It's good information.

I will have a look thanks. It’s difficult because I don’t want to spend too much time on him but understanding what happened for those 15 years seems to be something I need to understand, at least a little.
My marriage caused me to have an emotional breakdown which I initially led to believe was because I was weak but I feel I have been pushing a lot of stuff under the carpet all those years. He had my brain in knots!

Dr Ramani and Richard Grannon videos on narcissism are good I've found. (YouTube)

Also , I watched a video you might find interesting, it's on intermittent reinforcement and it might explain why you behaved the way you did when you think back....

Sorry , it's called, "why you can't leave the relationship" by teal swan. Give it a chance, it's a bit new agey but it good information. She has a good video on boundaries as well. Both on YouTube.