What would you do?

[Icecreamlover63]

Good Afternoon,

Last Friday my youngest Daughter came over to my house and we had a lovely evening with her and her Fiancee. She was asking me if she should go for a blood test to see if she had an overactive thyroid as she is feeling overweight. She has struggled with her weight for about 3 years now. I said maybe she should keep a diary of what she is eating and then eliminate all of the foods that she thinks cause her to be overweight. I thought this was the best way to advise her.
She is a size 16 and 5 ft 8 tall i personally think maybe excercize would help her to get to the weight she wants to be. However i have never advised this because its her body and its up to her.
Then on Saturday last week she came over and so did her sister. Again she went on and on about her weight and her sister gave her an exercise website to following and also an app. She kept on asking me what i thought and i said ' look its up to you if you really want to do it then do it. Because at the moment i feel you would be a lot happier if you did loose weight.'
Well she went absolutely mad and started crying and shouting at me. Her fiancee came into the garden and was angry with me and started to shout at me. My husband told him to keep out of it and let me and my daughters talk about it and then her fiancee told my husband to uc off!
Honestly it was awful. My other daughter was just shocked and couldn't believe her eyes. My youngest daughter and her fiancee stormed out. They have not been in touch since.

I apologised straight away and have sent a text to back up my apology as she wouldnt pick up the phone. But i'm just so surprised at they way they have behaved after all of this.

I have apologised and i honestly don't know what to do next. There is post here at my house and my husband has let them know this. However still no response. What would you do?

I think this sounds quite complicated. Perhaps as her mother, your daughter wanted you to reassure her that she looks lovely not that she needs to lose weight. Wait for it to calm down and then speak to her privately about it.

The fiance sounds aggressive and strange. Why is he telling people to fuck off?

I would also speak to her about her fiance's behaviour as I wonder how he speaks to her in private. Don't bad mouth him but just ask about his behaviour, if he loses his temper often. Maybe he was just trying to stick up for her but went a bit over the top.

How did your husband speak to him? If he was calm and polite then his behaviour sounds very dysfunctional. If he was shoving him away or shouting at him to mind his own business, then his reaction isn't surprising.

My husband was very polite and not at all confrontational he just said to keep out of it, and let us talk. That truly was it.

I am constantly telling my daughter how nice she looks but to be honest it is really hard work because all she does is say how horrible everything looks on her. If ever we go shopping together i am always complementary. Even if something doesn't sit right i just suggest another dress or top but i never ever would say anything about her weight. It has got to the point were i talk about politics now!

If he was polite then your husband is owed an apology. His reaction sounds very over the top and aggressive.

Your daughter sounds as though she is lacking in self esteem and confidence. She is looking to you for validation so I would just tell her she looks lovely. Apologise if you upset her and don't mention her weight again apart from to say that she looks lovely. I would be more concerned about her fiance and his aggressive behaviour.

You're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't, Op. Your daughter has obviously kept bringing her weight up for some reason as a whole family topic of conversation. That's a bit odd in itself. Her sister tried to advise her as did you. It sounds like you've got a bit fed up with dd harping on so you've just told her to lose weight if it will make her happy. She's completely over reacted as has the fiancee, he needs to apologise. How old is she? Is she very young? She sounds it. As far as I can see you've done nothing wrong here, Op. At 5, 8 and a size 16 she doesn't even sound very overweight at all. Try and phone or text again. Just say things got heated but you thought you were saying what she wanted to hear. Reassure her about her looks and weight. Maybe agree that talking about weight in general is off limits at family get together.

I am concerned about his behaviour. Its just all a big sulk right now.
I just don't know whether to phone my daughter or just let her get on with it. Like i say i apologised twice and i feel we should just move on.
But i know what he is like and i can assure you he would see me as popping round as some sort of moral victory. I also know what she is like and when she is upset she tends to exaggerate and make more of what is actually happening. So i really can't work out if its him or her instigating sending us to coventry.

And yes,fiancee definitely needs to apologise to your dh and you too.

I agree with you. I even started talking about Boris Johnson last week to change the subject. Ages she is 26 and so is he.
I agree she doesn't look massive at all! I think it makes her feel bad when her sister comes over who is a size 10/12. But everyone is different and thats what i always say.

Has she always had low self-esteem ? The whole episode seem blown out of proportion, to the point where maybe it could of been manipulated and manufactured somewhat by her Fiancee. Do you get the feeling of hat your daughter may becoming more isolated since knowing him? Has her level of confidence changed since she met him? It is possible that this was a tactic your DD's Fiancee is using to drive a wedge between you.

She has low self esteem. But i am exhausted by trying to make her feel better. No he does not try to isolate her , they lived with us for 4 years before they moved into their house.

The thing is , i just feel used i never charged them rent at all during those 4 years. When he had an accident it was me that ran him backward and forward to the hospital. His parents did nothing! During lock down when they had to self -isolate it was me that ran around doing all of their shopping. Even on the peak weekend i was out buying bits for them and i'm 59. My husband helped them move in and made all of their flat pack furniture for them and he is just so pissed off. He is extremely close to my daughter fiancee and treats him like one of our own. He said to leave them to it because they will need us before we need them. However i would like to e the bigger person in all of this and draw a line and move on because i feel the longer this silence goes on for the harder it will be to get over.

You have spoilt her, OP.
Leave her to her boring, self-obsessed sulk.

Honestly OP sounds like your DD and fiancé have massively overacted, you’ve tried to make it right and they aren’t interested so ball in their court!

I think you did the right thing, she’s told you she’s not happy with her weight and you’ve tried to help.

The way her fiancé spoke to your DH is also not okay and he should apologise especially after everything you have done for them!

I am the same as you, we are dealing with a family rift and tried to sort it and the other party aren’t interested in drawing a line and moving on - at the end of the day you’ve done all you can. Don’t grovel because ultimately it just rewards this behaviour with attention. She’s old enough to take responsibilty for her own weight and actions.

After reading everyone’s messsges I’m going to let them get on with it. I’ve apologised twice I can’t do anymore I’m sure when they need something they will be round. Until then I’m enjoying the peace and quiet . Thank you all for taking the time to answer me I really do appreciate it x

Sounds like a good move OP. 26 is still pretty young - I was still quite the dickhead at that age and not as self aware as I am now. I had some ungrateful / spiteful / ridiculous outbursts that I look back on and cringe. I’m sure they will too, one day.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you said. She's obviously depressed from not losing weight, and they've both been over the top with their reaction.

I'd give it one last go, maybe say something like I'm so sorry you were hurt over my comment, I didn't say it to hurt you. I hate to see you unhappy, I want to help you. You are beautiful and just want you to be happy.

If she doesn't respond, leave her to it, I'm sure she'll come round.

Did the finance behave like that when he lived at yours?
Do they have an actual wedding date?

I'd wait awhile for things to calm down.
She'll be in contact eventually.

I'd find out if someone has been making comments about her weight, since she's brought it up several times.

We had something similar a few years ago with our eldest. To be honest, to this day I don't know what we did . We tried to sort it but she just became more unpleasant so we took a step back and stopped contacting her. She soon realised what she had lost and contacted us. She never apologised and we didn't make an issue of it, just moved on. Five years down the line we are all good.

Agreeing with other pp, 26 is still young enough to be a proper dickhead. I also agree that you may have spoiled her by trying not to upset her. I stacked it on a few years ago and my parents, because they love me and want me healthy, told me. I often think parents are the only people who can say these things as it is perceived as mean if partners and friends do it.

No he never was rude. He was always very grateful for everything we did. They was getting married at Easter but have pushed it back to next year now due to CV19.