Sexless and stuck.

[nogoplaydoh]

I caught DH watching porn. Not to masturbate, just watching it before bed.

He use to watch it every day, our sex life died, after 8 months of no intimacy he said he would stop. We’ve had several periods where it seems we’re getting better (sex wise) but overall we’re technically in a sexless marriage - less than 5 times in a year.

I walked into the room, he hurriedly put his phone away, asked what he was doing? Sheepishly tells me nothing. Eventually admits what he was doing, and that he’d been watching it again for a while. I burst into tears, I’m so sick of our sexless existence - we don’t even kiss or cuddle.

We had a ‘talk’ like many times before, he says all the right things and he thinks we’re ‘back to normal’ now.

I’m late 20s he’s 40. (He’s also has is Testosterone tested which was fine)
We met when I was 19 and he was my boss at a summer job before university, (probably needs a whole other thread to dismantle that!) We have young DC.

I’m convinced that he’s clinging to the marriage for appearances, that eventually a few years down the line, he’ll have an affair (probably someone younger) and I’ll wish I got out sooner. I’m financially stuck, I never did finish that degree, so my prospects are low and I’ve been out of work nearly 5 years as a SAHM.
I don’t really know what I’m even asking. I’m just feeling lost, stuck and alone.

I would get back to uni this autumn, get your degree!

If he is watching porn and not having sex then he is using it to masturbate. No question. Porn stimulates a mans sexual urges, that's why we watch it.

The question you need to ask is not so much why is he watching porn, that is obvious, he's doing it to satisfy himself. The real issue is why he prefers that to doing it with you. You need to put it to him in those terms and if you don't get a satisfactory answer then your suggestion that the relationship is under threat may well prove correct.

If you divorce he will have to support you financially of course as you have been a SAHM. And if the dc stay with you then you could expect more than 50% of the joint assets.

Thanks for the replies, and yes he admitted he's started watching to masturbate to again, but he's now also watching it just for the sake of watching it supposedly? Which I find more disturbing that just the masturbating, to be honest. Financially we are not great, although homeowners, it's a big mortgage with little equity, and DHs salary could not support us separately.

Also to add that the sex life died before we had children, obviously young DC hasn't helped - but also the constant rejection over the years has finally taken its toll, therefore I'm not even trying to initiate anything anymore, and after this incident I'm left feeling disgusted.

I'm not sure where to even begin with the degree, I'm not sure if I could receive any funding, who to ask, or if anywhere would take me (6 years ago I dropped out)

Unfortunately he will NOT have to support you financially. Spousal support is getting rarer and clean breaks are preferred. He will have to help support the dc. Get legal advice as every case is dealt with depending on circumstances.

How much of your degree is left to do? Could this be finished online or pt? Finishing degree and getting work (any work) should be a priority. Good legal advice and getting ducks in a row if you've decided a sexless, affectionless marraige is not work in for you.

Just take it a step at a time. Get some light at the end of the tunnel and start walking towards it

I only completed the first year, and faffed about failing the 2nd. (A mix of MH and being 'disowned' by my parents for the relationship)
a large part of me is saying just carry on, that keeps the kids happy, DH happy, to leave would upset everyone, and throw us into financial turmoil.
I don't have family close by, so I'd have nowhere to go, his family also live 100s miles away, and he doesn't have any friends who are friendly enough that he could stay with.
I've requested we try counselling which he puts off as expensive, and I'm sure he just thinks I'd never leave, no matter the situation.

Id be tempted to play the long game, speak to universities about finishing your degree. If this looks too expensive, get a job and begin to find your feet in the workplace. Even if it's part time at first. Aim for financial independence even if it seems years away. Once you've got that, you're in control. He won't change, the only thing you can do is improve your situation when the inevitable happens.

I'm in the same boat although not a SAHM, I'm taking the time to enjoy my little ones as my focus, not thinking about it too much but one day I'll return full time and there lies freedom from this shit.

If you have good A-level results there's no reason why you wouldn't be accepted into a good uni. Having dropped out in the past doesn't really count against you.

Funding would be an issue but I expect you could get a loan like most people, which you don't have to pay off until you're earning over £27,000 anyway or more, so loads of people never have to pay it back. Are the DC both school age? When they are it'll be easier for you of course.

Part time is harder to fund. You could look into bursaries etc, there might be some for mature students/SAHMs or if you have a disability.