AIBU? Friends let me down again!

[Cat112344]

So as some of you know I’m going through a break up. My good friend and I planned last week to go clothes shopping today, I’ve been looking forward to it. Kids dad has them so I thought it’d be a good day! Now her boyfriend won’t let her go, he’s throwing a tantrum and she’s letting him. He’s come up with all of a sudden that they need to go his dads and is being really stroppy about it. I got ready, dropped kids off to there dads and was excited to go out after feeling quite shit. She’s clearly letting him control her, saying she won’t have enough time to go shopping now and she’s said she’ll drop him off to his dads and then we’ll go shopping so now he’s taking forever to get ready. I can’t believe she’s letting a man who she’s only been with so long (&no kids) dictate whether she goes shopping. He’s cheated quite a few times already on her, she puts up with so much😡

YABU. It sounds like your friend is in an abusive relationship, but you're pissed off with her?

Not pissed off with her! Pissed off with him... she’s my best friend, I just wish she’d leave him!

I think you need to be a little more empathetic and caring towards your friend.

I do, why do you think I want her to come out with me? I want to see her on her own not around him. I want to help her, but she shuts me down and acts like he’s amazing.

I can see this is an abusive relationship, the only way we can properly speak is when it’s just us two, I’m angry because I can see what’s going on and every time I try to help or speak to her about it she acts like nothings wrong. I know it’s because he’s there listening but I want to get through to her but I don’t know how. I’m going through a rough patch too and I thought some girly time is what we both need!

I think it's fair enough to be pissed off that she's letting you down.

You need to step back and read a little bit about domestic abuse and coercive control. You’re coming off very, very badly in this post.

I don’t mean to come off like that! I love her dearly she’s my best friend!

It's not the case that now you're single it would be much better for your friend to be single - hit the shops/ bars whenever you fancy and have a pal to share the single life with is it?
Or
You don't talk constantly about your break-up do you?
Possibly your friend is making excuses and blaming her bf but really it's her that doesn't fancy shopping?

Sorry but maybe a possibility.

I haven’t spoke much about my break up to anyone but on here! I feel quite embarrassed to speak to friends about it

I’m sure you do, it’s just that it’s really not as simple as ‘letting’ him control her, it’s a bit more complicated than that. Speaking from experience, it’s very difficult to be a truly good friend while you’re in an abusive relationship.
It is definitely disappointing to be let down tho, for sure.

I knew her before him and I can see what’s happened :( she used to be quite outgoing etc but it’s all changed! I just wanted to go out with her and show her that she has friends and a life!!!

She’s just rang me as he’s went to the shop, I don’t know what to say if I’m honest.

I don't think you're coming across as insensitive OP, as much as you're worried about her, it's easy to get frustrated!

I have a friend in an abusive relationship, she came to stay with me for 3 days and I genuinely thought she was going to finally leave him. I had a little grump when she just went back (but didn't let her know!)

We get pissed off about all sorts of things that are no one's fault, it's normal! Just be inwardly mad for a bit then just try again, she needs you around.

I hope you find a way to have a lovely day anyway!

I haven’t expressed any of this to her, I’ve just said ‘maybe we can go next week xx’. I know she’s obviously having it tough hence why I’ve came on here to vent! Lol x

Oh yes I was so relived a few weeks ago, she said she was coming to stay with me as they kept arguing and she’d said he’d hit her (she retracted it after) and I was so happy! She didn’t end up coming so I felt scared for her if I’m honest.

Relieved * sorry x

Find the freedom programme near you. Ask womens aid or at your local children's centre. Take her with you. You have nothing to lose by attending even if you weren't in an abusive relationship. You'll likely build yourself a bigger support circle and learn what to look out for when you're ready to date again.

YANBU. I have a friend with an equally horrible and controlling partner and it's really easy to get pissed off with her when she lets me down or leaves early just because he's giving her grief. And whenever we are together she's constantly on the phone placating him anyway so it's like her attention is always elsewhere.

It's frustrating because no matter how hard you try to be there for them and plan thing and be a good friend, it never feels reciprocated and you wonder why they can be daft enough to put up with being treated so badly. I think we have to sympathise and support them as they are clearly in abusive relationships but from a selfish point of view I don't blame you for being annoyed.

Yes I will! He works all week and she only works 4 days of the week so I’m going to try and arrange something for when he’s not there x

The best thing you can do is to be there. It's hard sometimes to stick by someone in an abusive relationship because they will push you away. It's a compliment that she was able to tell you the real reason for not coming out today instead of making up an illness or something. She trusts you. Seek help like I said in pp, but in the meantime just be there and boost her confidence whenever you have a chance. He will be eroding it.
I understand that it's frustrating being let down when you have some rare free time. Maybe try to find some other groups of friends for socialising type activities so that you're keeping yourself happy and no resentment sets in. She's not letting you down because she wants to, but you have to look after your own wellbeing too in order to be of help.

I’ve noticed recently she’s starting to be a lot more open! Before she’d say she was ill when cancelling plans etc but now she’s telling me real reason.

She obviously feels safe enough to be honest with you. I've been on both sides of the coin, the person suffering and supporting friends so I can see it from different perspectives. It's a good idea to get clued up on ways you can help, but it's also paramount that you don't allow it to drain you. Even in an airplane emergency eg we put our own oxygen masks on before helping others. It's not selfish and obviously you have a responsibility to keep yourself and your dc safe first and foremost.

I’m sure your circumstances are different but I’ve recently ended a friendship with a very close friend I’ve known for many years. She was single and tried to convince me my partner was abusive because - 1) he wasn’t always available to look after the children while I chatted to her on the phone 2) he wasn’t always available to look after the children when we went out - or she’d expect him to take the children all weekend so I could stay over at her house. She wanted me to live a single type lifestyle with her - but couldn’t see that my lifestyle couldn’t always fit around that, or that I might need to cancel plans last minute. My motto with friendships now is to support, but to avoid neediness and expectations.

Lickmylegs0 when I was in relationship with my ex some friends would also do the same.. when children are involved it’s not as black and white is it... especially if your OH works and only has weekends off (that was the case with me). With this particular friend he just wasn’t letting her go out. She was cleaning the whole house later that night when we spoke as he’d said it was a mess and needed doing... she’s been very offish with me as yesterday I went with another friend shopping and she was saying that I should’ve invited her (I did message, she didn’t reply) also because she asked me to go for a meal with her and him and as much as I wanted to see her, I didn’t want to see him. She hasn’t spoke much the past couple of days, so I’m just hoping everything’s alright but as PP have said I need to try and be supportive but also look after myself and DC.