Get your ducks in a row

[MrsRexVandeKamp]

I hate this phrase, but it's a mumsnet institution I think!

If you were thinking of preparing to separate from your husband, what do you do to get your ducks in a row?

We have 1 child together, primary school age. Financially very comfortable, and bulk of money tied up in the house. Joint accounts.

I've been burnt in the past with a previous relationship, where I ended up broke. If this relationship ends, I need to do all I can to make sure I can stay comfortable and give my son a good life.

Emotionally, I'm feeling quite detached at the moment and practicality is taking over. I've been very unhappy for some time, and I think we're past the point of repair. We could go on, but no thing's ever going to change.

Prioritise. Make lists under headings like: legal; financial; child care/access and domestic living arrangements.
Get all documents like marriage certificates, birth certificates, copies of insurances, investments, mortgage, passports etc in a folder and in a safe place that only you can access.
Plan the logistics of where you will live and book an appointment with a solicitor to advise you on what you're entitled to.
And stay strong

Thank you for the reply.

I'm really torn on what to do. My life is comfortable, my son is happy... is it naive and foolish to think I need to be happy and in love?

Is this a new feeling or something you've known for a while?

I've known for a while.

Day to day, we get on ok, but things niggle a lot and there's a lot of walking on eggshells and biting a lip to keep the peace. And then every now and then it'll blow up into a big row, we might seethe for a while and I think, right, enough is enough, life is too short.
But then very quickly, life takes over again and we settle back into routine.

I'm by no means perfect. I can be withdrawn, and quiet, and I procrastinate a lot.
He has a temper, a need for perfection, and his way is the only way. He believes his opinion is the only one that matters. He's unkind, and judgemental.

You are unhappy and your son will pick up on it and the walking on eggshells too.
I wished my mum had left my Dad as my childhood was crap because of the constant tension and fear of saying the wrong thing, watching my mum get more and more downtrodden.
It has caused issues with me as an adult as I never saw what a relationship should and could be like.
Get your finances etc sorted and leave for you and your sons sake.

It's very natural in a long term relationship to go through long periods even of years where you might be miserable or question your relationship and even like of the other person.

Yes, leaving is an option. But please remember time changes everything. Where things may seem awful for a long time they may just well be even better than they have ever been one day.

It's so easy to always believe the grass is greener and to let the pressures of day to day life drive a wedge between you.

Is it possible for you to have more alone time together? Not just the odd time but on a regular basis. To maybe talk about trying to appreciate each other more. I understand this is difficult when you feel you dislike someone but it could help turn those feelings around over time.

Is there any part of your relationship that you feel is holding your life back? Could you try and address those issues which could help you resent him less?

It's probably the opposite advise to what you are after but hopefully it may be of some help.

Ps if he is as unhappy as you are it may well be contributing to the feeling of tension all the time. It could be that getting your relationship in a better place reduces this tension.

The two responses above are exactly the conflicting conversations I have in my head all the time!

'Grass is greener' is a familiar phrase in my head. Is stability more realistic than joyful happiness?

It feels good to get it all out though; in real life there's nobody I would feel comfortable talking to about it.

Do you have fun in your relationship.
Does it or can it make you happy?

@ExpectingatChristmas what a brilliant post.

OP How long have you been married? I am coming out of the other side of a very tricky few years (involving temporary separation) of a long marriage with 1 DC. Also primary age.

Think carefully. Joy is a bit fleeting I think, the 'honeymoon' period.

Compromise and a bit of eggshells are sometimes what each person in the marriage has to do. Day to day and responsibilities and so on are not joyful all the time! Respect is key. Does he respect you?

There’s information at this link: www.marriage.com/advice/separation/thinking-about-leaving-your-husband/amp/

Thanks @BillieEilish.. probably because it comes from the wisdom of experience! To be honest if I would have read my own post even a couple of years ago I wouldn't have believed half of it to be possible.

Changing things around in the situation you have is very possible though, even when it feels hopeless. In the long run I think it gives you more happiness which is built on a more secure grounding.

Good luck OP with whatever you decide.

Reading with interest, as I feel the same as the OP. I've decided to change things up to improve the quality of my own life while I have a good think about whether to jump ship. I'm going to get a part time job - been offered something already- get a TV of my own, and entertain at home more after lockdown. I know how you feel. I hear they have been snowed under with divorce petitions since lockdown (there's an article in this week's telegraph magazine about it) so you are not alone!!!