Did your abusive ex remain abusive in their next relationships?

[WhoamI83]

Just wondering this.

For anyone who has succeeded in divorcing their abusive husband, did they go on and be abusive in their next relationships?

Did that stop them being interested in you?

I still feel in a way it was me who brought out the worst in him.

@WhoamI83

I still feel in a way it was me who brought out the worst in him.

and hugs WhoamI.

No, you didn't. I watched 20 years of it with my sister and her bastard of an ex. Abusers abuse because they are abusive shits.

Part of what you are feeling is because abusers are also master manipulators. They spend years, decades even, telling you that "if you did/didn't do XYZ then I wouldn't have to lose my temper with you." Of course you internalise that message. Doesn't mean it's right.

The other thing that's confusing for the victim is that you become adept at whatever small measure of control you have - my sister, for instance, once told me that because there was always a period of calm after the storm, she would do something "to get the row out the way before the kids came home from school." Again, it's easy (when you're trapped in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt) to mistake that sort of action for the idea that you're genuinely in control, that you really are provoking things, that "both sides are as bad as each other." Again, this is not true in reality.

Also - think of all those cases where a woman is murdered by her husband and some scummy tabloid manages to get an interview with the neighbours saying "but he seemed such a nice man." Again, relationships usually look okay from the outside unless the onlooker is emotionally close enough to the victim to read her tells correctly, or the onlooker has experience of DV themselves and can see the red flags.

One of my friends used to agonise over her ex (abusive shit) being happy with the woman he eventually left her for (did her a big favour, IMO). I, on the other hand, being a bit more detached emotionally, just used to look at new woman when I saw her out and about and think "there's something dead behind her eyes now - he's doing exactly the same to her."

They don't change. Ever.

Clare's Law enabled us to find out that my sisters Ex had done it many many times before. and had been to jail for it.

He's a tall, good looking, well muscled, nice voice, charming, abusive professional victim and cock lodger, so I'm in no doubt that he's currently abusing another woman. But we don't know.

This is what I wonder. He was abusive for 20 years and then left because we were both unhappy .....gf came out of the woodwork about 5 months later. I have never seen her, met her, I gray rock him and kids are teens so no need for me to contact him at all. It's 3 years since he left and I wonder if he is the same with her as he was with me......he seemed to think that a change of partner would make him happy and mean that he wouldn't lose his temper/argue etc....."I just pushed his buttons and he pushed mine" so I was told by him.... as far as I know they are still together so obviously he found someone he could live with happily....

@Doyoumind

Yes, mine is abusive to his current partner and I know that from my DC . I don't think she has faced up to the reality of her situation yet.

He still causes trouble for me regularly.

What do they say? How old are they?

I still feel in a way it was me who brought out the worst in him ignore that feeling, bullies always blame it on their victims you are not in control of his actions or bad behaviour. I can push my DP to the limit at times I'm a doier he is a procrastinater he would never harm me.

@WhoamI83, I left a narcissist in November after a long marriage. Very few people know the truth about our relationship because I don't want to antagonise him (for my safety and wellbeing, not because I care about him) by causing him shame, and the lashing out that invariably follows. I have no doubt I caused a narcissistic injury as I rejected him, and I am relieved he has already thrown himself into a new relationship so he leaves me alone mostly. We have to communicate to some extent as we have 3 dc, but I only communicate the stuff he needs to know, nothing more. My strategy to protect myself and feel as safe as possible is to show no reaction of any kind, regardless of the asshole behaviour he continues to exhibit such as barely acknowledging me sometimes when I drop the kids off, hinting about my failings as a parent and human being etc.I treat him at all times like an unexploded landmine, let him think he is the one in charge etc. and minimise the time I spend in his presence. As for abusing the next partner, I would be interested to see how things play out. He played a long game with me, and it took many years before I understood the situation I was in. My stbxh is in a big hurry all of a sudden to get our divorce finalised, and get hold of his share of the equity from our house, so I have the feeling he wants to 'lock down' his next victim asap. I am placing money that this time next year they will be engaged, if not married. I hope she doesn't get treated as I did, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Once he started seeing his new girlfriend, I was discarded pretty quick which is great news as far as I'm concerned. I hope they stay together forever.

Yes, and when they split up he once again tried to snatch his small child by trying to bang the door down. He was convicted this time and received a £300 fine. I pity the new ex because she has many years of parenting left and I know he will be playing the same games he played with me.

I know he has moved on to a new relationship now, at least he has now had a vasectomy so no more babies but who knows how he will behave with the woman.

He perfected the art. I've been in contact with his next ex wife, since she got shot of him and some of the things he's done to her and her dd are utterly jawdropping.

Mine would not be very smart to abuse his next wife/girlfriend as time is marching on and I know he has no intention of ever living his life without a female taking care of him, so best not let this one walk away as well. Gee, do I sound jaded??

I don’t know. It depends I think, I’m not sure all abuse is the same.

My first Ex because nasty to me over the years, verbally, after I left. We had a child together so I couldn’t go completely NC. Also, I wouldn’t have called it ‘abuse’ however now I do think it is ‘on the scale’ even if it is on the ‘milder’ end. He became very bitter as I moved away. He is with another woman now and they are married, and apparently very happy. Our child reports that he can still ‘have anger issues’ and sometimes have a go at his wife about money. However she seems to be the one in control, she tells him how to dress, she’s very wealthy, has a strong family, so upper hand financially, and gets him to be ‘angry’ at her enemies! So I wonder if he’s met his match?

My second Ex... sigh... was a serial cheater and also became verbally abuse when we separated. Not so bad I was in fear every day. But still, crossed a line. In his first marriage he didn’t cheat at all, and his ex wife was pretty volatile and had fights where she’d throw things at him. He never cheated on her (I do know this). He seemed ashamed about his cheating with me, and also determined to show everyone that he’d made the right decision to leave me - so in essence I think he will really try hard not to muck it up a third time.

So... what do you think of your Ex OP? Does he have any insight at all?

The clicking point for me, after years of unhappiness, was properly listening to how he spoke to his mum. Vile.

Yes, i used to look at his subsequent girlfriend FB occasionally, it was wide open, by the end she was posting memes that indicated how badly she was being treated and then when it ended changed her profile photo to one that made it very clear how happy she was to be free. I won't say what the photo was here because i told a few people about it and it would be recognisable.

And no, he never stopped harassing me.

Yes. He was actually worse with her. Revolting man.

Yes, continued the abuse. She finally saw the light..10 years later

I had a message once from a friend of exes then GF. She said she was worried about the gf and asked if ex had ever been abusive to me. She listed the things she was worried about. I told her I wasn't prepared to discuss it as I wasn't 100% sure it wasnt some kind of trap. But that nothing she had said surprised me.
They are now married with 3 dc so who knows.

@SummerCherry does he have any insight....I don’t think so. I told him many times about his anger but I was the one who pressed his buttons. He said he smoked weed to keep him calm and that was my fault...he made me the scapegoat, he smoked from a young child. I don’t know why I put up with it but smoking made him calmer so he was better when smoking. When I finally left him he made sure I took all the blame, his msgs to me were disgusting. He then said he was depressed and went to one session for anger management, he does
no he gets angry but not the core reason why. He has no idea as to why he is how he is and neither did I at the time. He is such a little victim!

@PickAChew I think the way these men speak or spoke to their mothers is something every girl should be aware of. My STBEX was awful to her. I should have seen the signs...

My husbands relationship with his mum was odd. He would shout at either of us in front of each other. He had no respect for her, he’d swear in front of her and would often say she has no influence on me, she can say nothing to me. But then he would tell me that his mum was high up on a pedestal and I was not to talk about her....ever!

Mine both had his mother on a pedestal ... and also avoided her like the plague - he seemingly got a wife on board to deal with her (and the rest of the clan) on his behalf. On reflection, he probably detested her as he came to do with me.

When I refused to deal with her and her vile behaviour anymore, exh was aggrieved and resentful.

He even expected me to continue to deal with his family for him after he left me and was/is outraged (really) that I wouldn't.

Madness.

No, they never change. The entitlement is a hardwired, essential, unalterable part of who they are.

My mother in law was ok, but she treated him like a child, he is 42. She would call him her baby boy. When she came to stay she would iron his pants and socks and he would be loving it, comparing what she did to what I did. I’d tell him I’m not your mother! She has no partner and she played the victim card. She has secret chats to him behind my back about him paying her mortgage....with our family money. It caused many arguments because I said I should be part of the decision making!

Depends upon how well trained the next ones are.

Mine left me the fuck alone for a few years because that one owned her own place, so he had his eyes on the prize of home ownership. Once he'd tired of her and was trawling the internet for somebody younger and wealthier, he started being 'pleasant' to me. Then, once he found out that he wasn't going to be able to kick her out of the house bought with her capital, he lovebombed the teenage girl he'd lined up next, as she owned property and her parents owned a holiday home overseas. Once she was providing him with home and entertainment money, he got shitty to me again.

As I can't be doing with all that shit (and I have a DP of my own), he turned his attention to starting rows with other women - his aunt, his sister, DD's teachers, random women at work who were in a position of authority over him, women who dared to be on the road in a better car than his, neighbours - any woman's a target for destruction (his favourite phrase was that he was going to destroy her, whoever 'her' happened to be - think of a teacher who marked DD's coursework down; he was going to report her and make sure she didn't just never teach again, he'd take her pension away, ensure she lost her house, the lot)

I dare say that as long as the money keeps coming and she doesn't want children herself, he'll be happy enough, but if she does step out of line, he'll go on to try and extract every ounce of spirit and penny out of her as well, before looking for the next mark.