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Original poster

Cover up for an affair

29 replies

Jessy2903 · 10/07/2020 23:40

So... my friend is having yet another affair, only this time it's with her husbands friend!!!
I have told her time and time again she must leave her husband, it's not on etc etc.
Tonight, she text me and said- really sorry but husband thinks I'm out with you tonight, I panicked. I won't do it again.

She knows how much I disagree and hate what she is doing, but we've been friends for 20 years!
I just don't know what to do??

I would not tell her husband as she is my friend, but what am I meant to do?
Just stop being friends with her?!

Any advice great fully received!

Thank you x

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 10/07/2020 23:47

You can do whatever feels right to you.
But in the end of the day - it’s her life and her choice how to live it. You can’t make her live it the way you think is right.
You can chose to not be friends with her anymore.
But for me - friendships are like family in a way.

SettingUp792 · 10/07/2020 23:49

Well she's had your friendship as well for 20 years and she has used you as an excuse to cheat on her husband. She isn't very loyal is she?. I would tell her you're never going to lie for her and step back from the friendship. Maybe if she grows up and learns to respect your boundaries at a later stage things can go back but she's not doing that now.

This is involving you in a horrid betrayal. When you've made it clear you don't want to be involved. It's really not on in my opinion.

PermanentTemporary · 10/07/2020 23:51

Oof. Nasty.

I would give yourself a few days to think about it but you'd have a right to distance yourself.

I'm afraid I would never tell a partner, ever, because I'm not in the least brave and I always assume there is more to any situation than I can see from the outside. She clearly trusts you absolutely. But using you like that when she knows what you think is not OK.

Icanflyhigh · 10/07/2020 23:54

If she was any sort of friend she would never have put you in this position when you've made your feelings clear.

Cantpickausername5 · 10/07/2020 23:56

I love my best friend to death and would do anything for her, if she ever had an affair, I would be appalled but would keep out if it. However if she ever asked me to cover even in a last minute situation I would have absolutely no issue in saying no. No problems at all. I might lie by omission but I could never lie out right to someone's face. As a side note I know my best friend would never have an affair or even dream of putting me in that position. Or if she did she wouldn't tell me because I'd would hound her to stop or Tell her husband. I've know her since we were 13 though and we are now late 30s. Tell her absolutely not, that you won't interfer in her marriage but you will absolutely never lie for her like that and that your appalled she would put you in that position. Also tell her to get some therapy for her issues

Starlightstarbright1 · 11/07/2020 00:00

I would tell her I won’t cover for her.

How you feel about the friendship is up to you

LolaSmiles · 11/07/2020 00:00

I think you need to make it clear that you won't lie to her husband's face and want no part of it at all. If he asks if she was with you then you can say 'oh no, Friday I was at home with DH' and move on.

To be honest, I'd be questioning how much of a friend she is if she knows how you feel and still keeps bringing you into her extra-marital activities.

CityCommuter · 11/07/2020 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lightsareon · 11/07/2020 00:19

I wouldn't actively choose to tell her husband but I would tell her that you won't lie if he asks and that if she ever tries to use you as a cover again you will tell him. No friendship is worth compromising my personal beliefs to that degree, I would feel shit about lying to him forever and a decent friend would never put me in that position so it would be worth risking losing the friendship if I were in your shoes.

Cheesesconegone · 11/07/2020 00:27

It’s up to her if she’s going to trash her marriage, however, you have a choice.

Tell her that you won’t be complicit in covering for her and tell her to never use you as an excuse again. That’s really cheeky of her and she sounds a bloody nightmare.

Have firm boundaries around it. I had to refuse to engage in conversation with one friend who had multiple partners and told her to never use me as an excuse again and another, I pulled her up for being vile with someone else’s husband and we’ve never spoken since! I don’t miss her. Kind people don’t behave like that, do they?

Tricky, but don’t be part of it. If her disregard bothers you then distance yourself. You can make new friends with more aligned values.

Whiskeylover45 · 11/07/2020 00:50

Been there OP. Thing is shes embroilded you in her lie. When it all comes out, and it will, you'll be dragged into it. Really she isnt a friend if shes prepared to place you in that position. Maybe distance yourself now and refuse to engage with it. So if she asks just say "sorry I've made my feelings om this clear, I'm not comfortable discussing it." Personally if a friend ever placed me in my this position and told me whay she said, I'd reply telling her never to place mè in that position again, but that is just me. Its up to her what she does, its up to you how you respond. But peronally I'd be having nothing to do with this shitstorm xx

DPotter · 11/07/2020 00:53

Personally I read her the riot act - she's knows you disapprove and yet she's involving you in her lies.

She's no friend

MsDogLady · 11/07/2020 01:14

I wouldn’t facilitate her lying and cheating by being her cover...and I would make that very clear. She is choosing to make a fool of her H and treat him with contempt, but you can act with integrity.

AgentJohnson · 11/07/2020 05:53

Tell her that she needs to correct her mistake because you will not cover for her.

PicsInRed · 11/07/2020 07:47

Habitual cheaters are a danger to everyone close to them and are loyal to no one.

I would inform her that you won't be covering for her and would end the friendship.

NoIdeaWhatToDoNow93 · 11/07/2020 07:50

Please do the right thing, not what we tell you but what you feel inside of you.
You can choose your own way and need to learn we cannot change others.
Good luck to you!

RiverCrossing · 11/07/2020 07:54

This is the second post by a new user last night about affairs and asking questions in a bid to get others to spill their details - might be fine, just be mindful because the other thread does seem to have more than a hint of writer phishing!

SandyY2K · 11/07/2020 09:08

I would let her know that if her DH asks if she was with you you won't lie. I don't know if you're married yourself, but I know if I lied for a friend in this manner and my DH found out, he would or could suspect that I have no problem with affairs and am doing the same thing.

People judge you by the compost you keep and I wouldn't be impressed if DH was chiding or being an alibi for a friend who was cheating.

All the posters saying they would cover... I'm sure if you found out your DHs friend was covering for him, you wouldn’t be happy and in the event of a reconciliation after discovery, a lot of betrayed spouses insist that the friend who covered had to go.

I don't like people putting me in awkward situations like this.

I'd tell her that she can do what she likes with her life, but you don't want to know about any of her affairs and you don't want to be used as a cover up. Affairs discussion is off limits. She can accept your terms or if she isn't happy with that, then step away from the friendship without any drama.

BurtsBeesKnees · 11/07/2020 09:12

I'd be saying to her that if her dh asked I'd tell him the truth and then back out of the friendship. It's an awful position to put you in and she's not a very good friend to put you there

hampstead1234 · 11/07/2020 09:14

I think you need to be clear that you will not lie if asked.

Hanab · 11/07/2020 09:17

Just be honest & tell her if you are asked you will tell the truth🤷🏻‍♀️
She can do as she pleases and with who she pleases but does not have the right to involve you in any deception.

StopGo · 11/07/2020 09:25

You could do what my mother's friend did. Ring my father and tell him that his wife isn't with her. The resulting fall out wasn't pleasant.

Sugartitties · 11/07/2020 11:14

she’s not your friend

how can you disagree with her affairs so much then look at her husband knowing what you know, that’s sick too

Greenkit · 11/07/2020 11:18

Tell her if she doesn't tell her husband, you will

SettingUp792 · 11/07/2020 12:11

I think everything about affairs is just awful. These threads get a bad reputation for people who are having affairs getting critisised , but it's for good reason. When there was no such thing as divorce you could use excuses to have an affair. But saying you were unhappy, neglected, even abused. None if it is an excuse to have an affair.

You are causing untold hurt to so many people, and it means you are incapable of integrity and doing the right thing ( at that time, not forever ). Nobody who loves themselves would have an affair and nobody who loves their partner would have an affair. Get the hell out of the situation and work on yourself and hope to hell nobody else gets hurt.

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