ExH and I split a few years ago due to his violence. We share a DD who is almost 6.
There’s a CAO in place but it does not stipulate who is responsible for pick up and drop offs, in court I stated that I wanted to do all pick-ups and drop offs. Court said it was unusual as usually the abuser would be responsible for those, but they wouldn’t stop me. He insisted he be allowed to pick her up from school 1 night a week though. Contact is EOW for 24 hours and 1 night a week for tea.
I have PTSD because of what happened to me, I have extreme trusts issues to the point it’s unlikely I’ll ever have another relationship as I don’t even trust my own family. I have had and am stilling having counselling.
The only thing of the whole situation I can control is pick up and drop offs, I cannot stop DD seeing her father (and I wouldn’t no matter what he’s done), I cannot control how he parents or what happens while she’s there, I can’t even force him to listen to the medical advice to do with her medical issues (trust me I’ve tried but unless what he does directly harms her he doesn’t have to follow it). At least I know she will be there on time and returned to me on time.
ExH recently moved. He is refusing to tell me his new address, keeps telling me he is now in charge of pick ups and drop offs, and there’s nothing I can do. He calls me horribly controlling as do his family, saying I am ruining his time with his daughter, and that he should be allowed to return her when “he sees fit, if that’s never then I will have to learn what it’s like to be apart from my daughter”. He returns her late every time, ignores texts messages, and basically doesn’t care, he says it’s my own fault for splitting up her family and they have a right to see her. Last Sunday he returned her 2 and a half hours late (was due to return her at 5.30 and I got her back at 8pm she had school the next day!) his excuse was a family gathering – the first since lockdown started apparently. I’ve called the police before but they’ve said without powers of arrest attached to the court order all they can do is a safe and well check and they can’t tell me where she is if her father choses not to return her to me.
I’m trying to go back to court as my solicitor thinks I should at least know his address and that if he won’t return her to me on time then I should be responsible for pickups but it’s all been delayed by covid and it’s looking likely due to the backlog we won’t receive a court date for a long time yet. My solicitor has told me not to withhold contact at all until we have a court date because he could get an emergency hearing if I do which makes me look petty.
I don’t know whether this is all worth it? Whether I am being controlling by not letting him just do what he wants. I don’t want to stop her seeing him (even though she hates going and has told her teacher that) but I want to know where she is and that I will get her back at the time on the court order, or at least within a reasonable timescale (5-10 minutes) and that problems or extensions of contact should be discussed with me. But I worry that I am doing the wrong thing, I have DD for 95% of the time, I can basically do what I want with her, and on days she doesn’t have school or anything the next day then of course I might keep her out after 5.30pm (and do so).
All through our relationship ExH told me I was the controlling one, that I was suffocating him and he hated me, so I don’t know whether I’m clouded by that. Please tell me straight if I am the problem.