Toxic sister

[BafflingBrook]

NCd as don’t want to be recognised, but could really use some advice.

I went no contact with my sister several years ago now. She attracts drama, doesn’t care about anyone but herself and quite frequently puts family members in difficult situations with things like money. Close family know all of this, but extended family and friends think she’s the bees knees (she’s an extrovert and great fun so is well-liked).

One quite small incident made me feel enough was enough and I’ve been much happier since making the decision to cut her out. The difficulty, and the thing I’d love advice on, is how to navigate relationships with the rest of the family who are choosing to stay in contact with her.

Obviously this is absolutely their choice so I’d never criticise someone else’s decision to stay in contact with her (even when I field frequent phone calls about the latest awful thing she’s done) and I am working on setting boundaries and saying things like ‘oh yeah, that’s why we don’t speak actually. Anyway, how is work?’ Etc. But I really struggle with being told by our parents/grandparents etc that I’ve hurt them for causing a rift and a split.

Occasions like Christmas are difficult, as I’d rather make alternate arrangements than have to spend the day with her, but my family absolutely cannot accept that and I get bombarded with texts and calls (and my DM crying) about why I’m being so selfish.

Has anyone been in this situation or similar? I really don’t want to ‘give in’ and get back on speaking terms but this just seems impossible.

Do you have a partner/children/job that mean you might not be able to go to Christmas or birthdays?

DH's family all get on reasonably but haven't all got together outside of funerals for donkeys years due to them having families of their own so someone is always at the IL's for Christmas, or just having it with the kids, or at work. These are normal family things that happen even in healthy families as adult children grow up.

If you haven't got any of these, don't worry, they will happen, if not to you then other members of the family and it will make life a lot easier.

Also practice some stock phrases so you aren't put on the spot when someone asks you about her -
Have you made up with your sister yet?

No, still waiting. Are you going on holiday this year?
Nah. Love your new hair!
What do you think! I'm so busy with x, let me tell you all about this exciting thing I'm doing...

@Frightenedbunny our stories are so similar, my DB is a functioning alcoholic and I believe had MH problems and always has had. My DM is his enabler and blames everyone else for his behaviour or denies there is a problem (depends on her mood that day). I have a DN who is neglected and has suffered at his hands with his drunken rages, I have done everything I possibly can to let her have at least a partly happy childhood. I have dug DB out of many holes and every single time I have been verbally abused, lied about and threatened so I won’t do it any more. He is a constant source of embarrassment as many times people will complain to me about things he’s said and done as if it’s my responsibility, including I recently found out pulling a knife on my cousins boyfriend, threatening my daughters boyfriend and loudly calling me a Cxxt at a family party.

This is all after going NC with him. He is constantly in debt and borrowing money from DM and lives in a rented property that is not far short of a hovel due to him and his DW being filthy and lazy, many times they have been threatened with bailiffs and a year or so ago nearly evicted because they had a leak in the roof and didn’t tell the landlady so eventually the living room ceiling fell in and she was justified in being furious!

When my parents pass I will not be made responsible for this man child that my DM has created. I will always be there for my DN.

I always stayed in the background at family do's, always near the older generation who knew what my mother and sister were like. I NEVER felt safe near my sister, she was never physical but she was adept at verbal and mental abuse.
My mother had motor neurone disease and for the first time in my life (early 40's) I could talk to her without her basically telling me I was imagining it all, she could only communicate through an ipad and took forever to type a response.
I even asked a counsellor once, why i was happy that my mother was dead.
I know now that it was because I no longer had to deal with my sister, who fortunately lives 4 hours away.

These are toxic family systems - it’s a much bigger cast playing their roles, keeping it all afloat than the central leading character.

When you step out of the ecosystem it becomes unbalanced and the web of lies and denial is exposed.

They need to scapegoat you then for abandoning the system and making it unstable rather than look at the reality and face the wrath of the lead character.

All of the supporting cast have self preservation as their no1, 2 and 3 agenda and focus. You leaving threatens this so they attack you.

They focus 100% on “the rift” - the action of you leaving rather than the years and years of toxic behaviours of the central character.

They need you back as the human shield and scape goat - because they know with you gone one of them is next online to be the focus of abuse.

I have been NC with all of my family now for 8 months after shocking behaviour towards me and my children by one of my sisters - which they all remained silent over - in my book silence is compliance. I have discussed this with them - they can’t see my point. They are desperate that I submit, just tolerate and ignore the pain and damage and just rock up to each and every family event without acknowledgement or discussion.

It has been v hard to stand my ground......but as predicted the toxic sister has now started on someone else - because essentially she always needs a punchbag to discharge her toxic rage - and once I withdrew from this role - someone else is getting it.

I will never be part of that toxic, abusive, system again - and I hold the deluded, silent, self preservationist, enabler flying monkeys as equally responsible as the unstable addict who is the central character in my family farce.

@Sssloou that’s very thought provoking.. thanks for that!

@Tara336, my deciding factor was when my db called me a sick c*nt too, after I was telling how how bad covid 19 actually is...(work in health care, so have first hand experience of deaths and outbreaks etc.) He’s despicable with some of the things he’s said about my dd and how he won’t miss him when he’s dead, (but constantly uses him when he needs things.) I just stepped back and actually recognised I didn’t need his toxicity in my life. It’s only now after the heated discussion with my dm, that I realise she is an enabler to it all. We’ve been nc for 2 weeks now!

@kazza446 the cxxt comment he made was because i wouldn’t be drawn into one of his mind games. He had been desperately trying to provoke a reaction from me throughout the party and I chose as I always do to walk away and not acknowledge what he’s doing. He had tried several things none worked so he resorted to calling me a cxxt tbh I’ve put up with more than anyone should over the years, but being called that got to me, I still didn’t react but deep down I’m angry.

DM denied it happened, called the person who told me a liar all the usual answers but I know he did that, it’s his style, makes sense with what was going on that day and things I saw.

But all it confirms is I made the right decision, that he hasn’t and won’t change and I will continue with NC

It' interesting what you say @Sssloou, about the eco system. At the moment im sure my parents and brother are discussing how dramatic, sensitive, ungrateful I am, but i am the social lubricant. They are all quite robotic. I wonder what they talk about when they're done discussing my bold behavior. Will it seem a bit flat and superficial. I am the only one who ever talks about anything real.

its just occurred to me that even my ds was used. My nephew apparently has something wired wrong, possibly adhd. Whenever she came down to see mother, my boy would be invited over. Mother told me once that he was asked because he was a calming influence to my nephew.