In laws

[thegreenbeachhut]

My in laws seem obsessed about coming to visit us in our home - every single weekend.

They live an hour away. They want to stay at ours all bloody weekend.

We both work really long hours and our kids have left home.

We invite them to other places or tell them we will visit them but they seem obsessed with being at ours even when we've said we are out working.

This weekend I have just found them out on a lie. They invited themselves to ours. Dp told them we were working both days but we could meet them for a coffee near our work. They initially said yes and then predictably changed their mind as they "suddenly remembered" they'd promised to help their neighbour with some DIY.

Having just spoken to dp sister, it turns out they're actually going out with her instead and it was arranged the same time we asked them about the coffee.

They do nothing but criticise us but don't lift a finger when they're at ours and treat it like a b&b.

I'm not happy. Dp just shrugs it off and would never say anything. I'm fed up with biting my tongue at their behaviour.

Stop biting your tongue, and stop allowing them to stay on the weekends. Of course, but as ever, you ultimately have a husband problem. I would be having a very serious chat with him about boundaries. If he can't support you, he can go visit them himself.

Why on earth do they stay when they live an hour away? Bonkers. Start saying no lots more frequently.

You need a hobby that takes up your weekend/take up loud games console playing. . They sound like complete Cfers! If they turn up a few mins of GTA will have them running for home!

You don't need a hobby, you just need to tell them that it isn't convenient.

What aquamarine wrote. Why have you at all tolerated this, such appeasement makes you look further weak and they regard kindness as weakness.

Your husband’s inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as well as you. He like you is also mired in fog which is fear, obligation and guilt. He would far rather upset you than his parents because he’s been conditioned by them to believe that the sky will fall in if he does not comply with their demands.

Do you have a really nice house and that’s why they’re always coming round? Maybe they don’t like each other so need to be around other people all the time.. I wouldn’t be able to cope with that, not every weekend! There must be a reason they’re so needy though

Yes, we have a nice house. They treat it like a holiday home.

We have told them 3 times it's not convenient this weekend. I guarantee they will try and ask again especially when they find out we have Dp brother coming for an hour. They have form for tagging along meaning brother will be an hour and they'll be 3.

Your H has grown up within this and has become trained and or otherwise conditioned by them to put them first with his needs and wants dead last.

You still have a choice re these people and would you have tolerated this from a friend?. I would hope not and his parents are no different.

No-one should be at home when they are due to arrive. Apart from anything else you do not have to let them into your home.

If you said to DH, right, the burden of entertaining your parents is going to fall on you - shopping for them, feeding and watering them, filling their drinks, making their beds up, washing the bedding and towels after they've been here, oh, and by the way, I won't be editing what I say to keep the peace with your parents, if I can be bothered being in the same room with them in the first place, what would he say?

You don't like them staying and are generally sick to the back teeth of them, but you're upset they've lied to you about meeting DP's sister? Surely you should be happy they're doing something else? To use that well-worn MN phrase though, you don't have an in-law problem, you have a DP one. He needs to sit them down and tell them that every weekend is too much.

just say no.
and mean it.
calm and cool.
cucumber-like.
repeat as necessary.
don't discuss, diverge, justify.
just say no. unemotive. serious. calm.
remember, you are a cucumber.
if they ask why, tell them that, but no more.
do not apologise.
no, PIL, you are not coming here.
no.
no. because i am a cucumber. goodbye.

perhaps better not have DB visiting either.
until you get them re-trained.
could you meet DB outside somewhere.
will he tell PIL about coming.
if so, cancel him too.
good luck.

Could they be having money problems so short on electricity/ food etc? Nuisance neighbours?

Although be probably not if they can drive to you.

Just say no.

If they turn up tell them you said no and are busy so they can’t come in.

My parents have overstayed their welcome at mine (never overnight though) and I made it obvious now otherwise they would keep doing it.

why do you put up with it?
i'd have already given them a blunt response to their pisstaking - and if 'DH' doesn't like he can bugger off.

They just won't take the (very unsubtle) hints.

We have been almost rude.

It's almost like they want to fall out with us by pushing and pushing.

They would have to be incredibly thick skinned to not have got the hint.

I actually think they want an excuse to blame us for something. It's hard to explain. I don't think they visit because they actually like us!

Why hint?

Just tell them it's not convenient (give them a date that is)

Every time they ask and you don't want them say No, sorry. Not this weekend. Change subject, or say goodbye and put phone down.

My in laws also insist on visiting us 4/5 times each week (not staying). We both work full time and they turn up unexpectedly without any warning, I've even came home from work to them parked on my driveway (in my space) waiting for us to come home from work.
I dropped subtle hints that didn't work and in the end became quite rude, e.g. 'wow look at all these dishes from you my house was clean before you arrived'
What worked for us was that myself and DP had a huge bust up one day whilst they were in the house, we had bickered earlier that day and his in laws turning up added fuel to my fire! they didn't come again without invitation

@KC8LL 4-5 times a week?! Shit that must have been so annoying!!

It was SO annoying, my in laws live around 30 minutes away and my parents live 5 minutes away. His parents seem to be entitled to visit whenever they like, my parents would never just turn up unless they phoned first or were invited.
Even thinking back to how often they visited still infuriated me

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Don't answer the door!