A/ My ex fiance was an alcoholic with psychosis. I say was, as he died from his addiction.
To me, this is classic gaslighting... he would never recall any of his cruel words or behaviour, conveniently citing being drunk. He would say 'if I said those things, then I am sorry, but I really don't believe that I did, and you are saying this to cause a row...'
He would convince me it was ME with mental health problems even though it was him and ran in his family. He would also tell my friends and colleagues it was me. He'd invent all sorts of stories as to where it had stemmed from , really sick stuff such as my dad's friends had abused me as a child. People believed him :( Some friends and even family members started giving me a wide berth as didn't know how to handle all this.
He would try to convince me no one else wanted me (he did admit to this near to his death) such as I'm too fat, ugly, stupid. That I should feel grateful he had me. In actual fact he was obsessed with me and when I left him he terrorised me and my friends and family as could not let go.
He would plant insecure thoughts into my head such as he'd apparently chatted to old friends of mine, they had confirmed to him that I was 'hard work', had MH problems, what on earth was he doing with me (they denied this after I confronted them after his death)
He was having an emotional affair , which I'm sure would have turned physical if he'd got his way. He told everyone, even on Facebook, that I was having an actual affair
B/ Someone recently hurt me very much. None of what my ex fiance did to me.
This person said tactless things and displayed thoughtless, hurtful behaviour.
They don't deny any of this... but they don't see how it hurt me. (are defensive). They are annoyed by my hurt and refuse to discuss it, by distancing. Saying they need space... when I've never made a single hurtful remark or done anything hurtful to them (very new relationship). It should surely have been me who needed space but I decided to be the adult and rise above it. I wanted to discuss it all and move forward but they will not at least not for now. I feel my feelings are not valid to them at all.. Like I'm to allowed to be hurt. I can't question what they've done. Or rather I am, but get ignored . It makes me feel worthless. I realise what they are doing is classic avoidance and shirking responsibility.
I accused them of gaslighting. But is it? It's not the same as A/ my ex fiance.
Are both examples of gaslighting?
Or is B/ more just a callous, insensitive person...but could not be perceived as GL. Not trying to let them off the hook! I've tried ending it because of this!
But just trying to make sense of it all and want to get my terms right.