DP walks away

[ILoveHorses55]

Hi, i've just joined Mumsnet today and needing some relationship advice I have been with my DP since July 2018 and we've been living together last 8 months. I introduced him to my daughter (14yrs) a good year ago and they got on so well - no problems.
Fast forward back to present day - 3 weeks ago my DP decided he wanted to "be single again" (a week previous no red flags very harmonious to my eyes). He's 41, no kids, not British, Muslim faith, known gambling habit, smoker. Anyway, he went away for 3 days to his brother's in Newcastle (alledgedly) after telling me when he came back he would be moving out. He was angry, tried to provoke me to hit him when i got upset that he was leaving and wouldn't consider talking about it, wouldn't tell me if he did/did not love me when i asked him. Then asked if he could stay for a few days just as friends!! WTF?? while he waited to move to where he's arranged - but didn't want to give me details. I said no, not possible, can't do it emotionally. So he left. Just like that. Since, won't talk to me. Told me to leave him alone and that he's gambling on a Whatsapp message. It's like he's died. He's since blocked me - haven't even spammed his phone?
My brain is like a quivering wreck. Would welcome anyone's thoughts, experiences, advice to how the hell i get over this. Still love him as well, unfortunately can't switch that off rn. We've been through alot together and he was my everything, we've shared loads of stuff and he's even said we were good together. I am totally and utterly confused as hell, not to mention broken. Are there any males on here that can provide any input into the male gambling mind??
I don't know if its gambling, lockdown fever - coz he got furloughed from his job and had borrowed money from his boss so they didn't pay him anything for the entire lockdown, was living off a temp job at a takeaway outlet and i was helping him too for money. Help! Anyone?!

He sounds like a shit. Block, cry, eat chocolate, watch Four Weddings and A Funeral on repeat until you feel better. Then celebrate your lucky escape.

Check your credit scores and keep checking them.

Think of it as a lucky escape and check your bank balance and any valuables are still in place,

If he hasn’t got any money what is he gambling with.

Oh my love. What a shock.

Please take action to secure your credit rating ASAP. Change all bank passwords as well.

Comfort yourself that you can't know his mind. He is his own person with his own battles, and he has decided to go it alone. That isn't a reflection on you at all. Mental health is a funny beast and there isnt always a neat answer to the question "why" - he himself probably couldn't give you a straight answer.

Try to refocus on yourself. Every time you think of him, go and write down your thoughts, and then turn your attention to caring for yourself. Grooming, bathing, cups of tea, crying, cuddling with a soft blanket, being outdoors. Xxxx

Thanks so much for your message.
But we never shared any joint money accounts. He never accessed my bank account or anything. I never gave him permission ever.
So why would i need to check credit rating / bank passwords when he never accessed in first place?

Someone who can do that to you is not worth a light, and not worth grieving over. Its cowardly and disgusting.
My husband of 20 years just walked out one day with no explanation at all and cut me dead out of his life. It was so incredibly hurtful as I had spent those 20 years bailing him out of debt and trying to make him happy.
I rarely think of him now, he isn't worth it. Someone who can do that to you isn't a real and genuine person. Better you know now than after 20 years.

Just to keep an eye on it all.

Gamblers are addicts, and addicts steal and lie and cheat.

Don't think he wouldn't do that, I made that mistake.

Because he could have got hold of information that allowed him to open credit accounts.

I know your feeling shit but this guy is no catch.

Because gamblers cannot ever, ever be trusted

You don't realise it now, but he has done you the biggest favour of your life.

Block and ignore. You've had a lucky escape. Nothing about him sounds desirable, frankly. And show your teenage daughter what strong women with firm boundaries look like!

(Well done on saying he couldn't stay as a 'friend' til it was convenient for him to move, by the way)

But we never shared any joint money accounts. He never accessed my bank account or anything. I never gave him permission ever.
So why would i need to check credit rating / bank passwords when he never accessed in first place

Because you don’t share anything, it doesn’t matter whether you gave him permission.

Think about it. He hasn’t been paid for his furloughed job and has been eking out a living at a takeaway shop.

Yet he is gambling and it sounds like it isn’t 50p each way on the 4.40 at Kempton Park So where is this money coming from?

Gambling? Not sure about that - I'd say he's met someone else and wanted to stay before they were ready to move in. Properties weren't being let over lockdown.

You know faith has nothing to do with someone being an A hole🤷🏻‍♀️

Many things could have happened like his family disapproving of your relationship.. him being manipulated to do things he may not have wanted to ..

Do you know if he was married? Or maybe he could have gotten married.

Maybe he is in debt and a clause to his family bailing him out is that he moves away from you🤷🏻‍♀️

So many scenarios

@Hanab

You know faith has nothing to do with someone being an A hole🤷🏻‍♀️

Many things could have happened like his family disapproving of your relationship.. him being manipulated to do things he may not have wanted to ..

Do you know if he was married? Or maybe he could have gotten married.

Maybe he is in debt and a clause to his family bailing him out is that he moves away from you🤷🏻‍♀️

So many scenarios

All this.

Before I get jumped on, im not saying this is a faith thing... but... did you ever meet his family?

I'm asking this as I had a friend, had been with a Muslim man for many years, she adored him, however she never met his family as they didn't approve of his relationship with a white woman.. he did almost identical to your man, and it turned out it was an arranged marriage.
I bumped into him some time afterward, and he was drunk demanding to know about my friend. Obviously bitter about his situation.
Could it be something similar?

Please be strong. It hurts like hell right now, but try and accept what he's done, time is a healer. There's better for you.

I second PP, keep an eye on everything ive recently had fraud on my accounts, and it was only with basic knowledge of my details.

Thank you everyone....just to clarify i do know he was a serious gambler he knew people in his culture all over the area that provided him money to gamble - he would always go into this self hatred of himself and try and hurt himself when he had borrowed money and lied to his boss that he needed money for family issues or rent - so many times i saw him in this state. He then started on fruit machines in pubs before lockdown. The same people could also provide him a room or a sofa to sleep on in their work digs (he was in restaurant trade). Before we lived together when we first met and he stayed over the odd night he would always want to go back to his because he wanted to be on his own - and i did go there several times and saw where he lived, went in his room (shared work house with 4 other males) He originally married a english woman and moved here to UK 10 years ago, they divorced 5 years ago because of his gambling. I have spoken to her in last 2 weeks and she told me of his family in Turkey and how they lived and they didn't like her. His father had gambled also when he was young. So i do think he's just had a mental breakdown with the overwhelming situ of lockdown and not working and bordom set in with him and he told me he had succombed to online gambling. I think he had just got himself in deep trouble and couldn't pay the rent or bills with me and just ran in panic. He'll just be dossing down on someone's sofa. We did split up temporarily back in January this year (i asked him to go - at midnight) and he went and stayed at work in the bathroom coz he had nowhere else to go. I can't help thinking he has had some mental crisis as we were all good before lockdown and think that would have continued had it not happened. Anyway, yes he has gone, and its all crying, chocolate, slobby clothes and curling up on sofa with daughter when i get home to allow time to heal me, but my brain just needs answers so my heart can move on. Maybe in time he will contact me again and we can at least talk. I think maybe there was a slice of personality disorder mixed in with the gambling monster in him. I was in love with his good side and he gave me everything i wanted emotionally.
Strange world and strange times.

Dont speak to him again. Dont let him back into your or your daughters life. He is most definately NOT a good man.

You said it right - personality disordered.
Likely npd or similar. There is never 'just a slice' of that.

Protect yourself better in future. When ppl show you who they are, believe them.

You need to wake up. Sorry. But my uncle was exactly like this man. It drove my aunt to an early grave and he died young too. Stress. He was constantly taking out loans with dodgy people. You need to be very very wise and careful and drop the emotion/romance/broken heart stuff. You and your kid could be in big trouble here. You need to get a credit check ASAP. Like tomorrow. You need to put a stop on your cards and bank accounts and get new cards. You need to check if any loans have been taken out against your address. You should also find some way to check if he has a criminal background. You must not give him any money. He’s going to come back at some point when his funds have run dry.

What would it take to put you off a person? Not gambling ? You seem strangely unconcerned about it, when you should be, especially b ing a mother, raise your bar much higher than him next time.

Stay away from him don't try to contact him, though why you'd want to I have no idea. He's a loser and not a nice person. X

His wife knew something bad enough to divorce him and you know the same stuff and yet he is good enough to be around you and your kid?

And even after he has shown you what an utter dick he is you still want to give him a chance to come back in future for a wee chat. About what? About how he is a leach and a poor excuse for a human with zerrrro moral fibre?

Come on now. Wise up! You have a daughter to protect and you never should have exposed her to this in the first place tbh.

Now you know so theres no more excuses. Protect your kid.

Dear god woman! Give your head a wobble, he’s done you a favour.

Check your credit file and stop trying to understand’ him and start, examining why you invested so much of your time with Mr Going Nowhere.

Stop trying to understand the reason he has done this and move on and be grateful he has gone

Friend is in the 4th year of her divorce. He too left her in the early stages of their relationship but she couldn’t leave it and needed to know why. What could she fix to make things right. Years later after a physically, emotionally and financially abusive marriage it took the neighbours calling the police and him being arrested to get her to start divorce proceedings.
Now she can’t get rid of him. He is still abusing her.
The non molestation order means nothing as he knows the police won’t do anything.

There are so many similarities to my friends situation. Including the gambling. Just be pleased he has gone.

Also FWIW friends dh had a wife and children alongside her marriage with him. (Something to do with UK not recognising the type of marriage he had in Turkey)