I'm that friend everyone comes to when they need something. When I need help I'm alone.

[FriskySmith]

This has hit me like a truck today.

I'm the person that everyone comes to when they have worries, concerns or problems.

When I need someone there is no-one I can talk to.

This is brought into sharp relief today.

DH and I argue rarely, in fact, we usually get on well. He's got a long weekend off and completely out of the blue he's torn into me today. We're both clever, so it's reasonably subtle but underlying the things said today he's made it quite clear that he thinks that I'm stupid and irresponsible. I'm neither.

Lately in particular he's been a complete vampire of joy. He can't even take pleasure from the small things. He's been miserable, angry, grumpy and dismal to be around. I've been chivvying him along, trying to keep things light and cheery.

He's had a relatively easy life, no big bereavements and tragedies apart from his first divorce 15 years ago.

In contrast I've had some very tough times.

He seems to think that he's the only one who has been made miserable by lockdown. We have a good standard of living, a lovely home, a nice life. He's angry that we aren't getting our holiday this year. There are people dying and hungry but no, he's really suffering because he can't have his break.

Anyway, this he's been angry this morning, I've bitten back and rather than smoothing things over I'm not going to chivvy him along this time. Not when it's apparently all my fault

It's occurred to me though that I would like a friend to talk to, just a bit of moral support and I have no-one. Everyone leans on me but when I need someone to talk to, as now, there isn't anyone.

Unfortunately when we have shitty, energy vampire partners, we often find we have similarly shitty friends too.

Step one, drop the asshole partner. Step too, weed out all the 'friends' (that are not friends). Step three, do some reading on narcissists (it's a good way to spot them and similar assholes) so that you can spot them in future before they latch on.

None of this is your fault. You are probably just a nice person who wanted to see the best in those around you. But now you know they are not nice people and do not wish good things for you, it's time to act.

Just a side note though, have you ever tried reaching out to others? Perhaps they dont know you need help. Perhaps you haven't wanted them to know.

Obv I'd they then prove to be assholes (belittling your suffering/turning it into a 'who has a harder life game' or just not being there for you) then ditch them.

I know how you feel op. Please feel to vent on here.
I have made a decision to only give people no more benefit of doubt. No more of my time.
Your dh needs a reality check! He needs to see how other people struggle as he is appearing to be looking at things from his point of view only.

Hi OP
I am very similar to you, friends call me when they need some sound but honest advice. I have two calls to make tonight alone to friends who are going through a difficult time.
My ex became very much like your DH over this as he felt he was at the bottom of my list of priorities because of this. I'd been miserable in the relationship for a long time and had tried to liven things up but to no avail, so didn't assumed that my catch up calls to friends were not an issue as he certainly didn't seem to want my company.
He sank into a depression over it all and became an utter angry twat.
My only advice would be to take care of yourself.
I had to put my foot down in the end and stop answering late night calls to friends in need. It felt like everybody wanted a piece of me and tgere was no time for myself.
Don't know if this resonates at all? I might be completely off track and apologise if so x

Number if grammatical errors in there, apologies.

Yes this strongly resonates with me.

I have had situations where I know that if the circumstances were reversed I would have been there for the person who didn't show up to me.

In particular, I surprised myself by letting my relationship with my best friend fade, after it became apparent that she expected a lot of me, and yet when I needed support absented herself only to reappear when she was needed something/ demanding a lot of interest and support again...

I definitely feel like/have felt like that friend who puts herself out but does get reciprocity.

@Bunnymumy

Just a side note though, have you ever tried reaching out to others? Perhaps they dont know you need help. Perhaps you haven't wanted them to know.

Obv I'd they then prove to be assholes (belittling your suffering/turning it into a 'who has a harder life game' or just not being there for you) then ditch them.

I'd echo this. I felt the same for a long time, that I'm the one friends rely on but it's not reciprocated. I talked to DH about it and he said my friends often mention that I'm the "together" one and that they are probably oblivious when I need help. I'm really bad at letting people know when I'm struggling as I'm quite private but once he said it I made more of an effort to tell a friend I've had a bad day or need a rant. And yes there are definitely some people in my life where it's all take and very little give, but there are others who are happy to help and just don't read the signs and need to be told.

However if you're certain and know from experience that they won't help if you reach out then I'm really sorry and you deserve better

To be fair to DH he's not usually this bad. True, I'm the one who is cheerier and tries to find the good in any bad situation but and I say this in my OP we do usually get on very well.

As I say though, he really hasn't known hardship, so lockdown even though our lockdown has been comparatively gentle has hit him harder than it has me. I've just got on with it as best I can. He really doesn't realise how fortunate we are and has no concept of poverty. To me, a missed holiday and not being able to go to the cinema are tiny privations when so many others are battling for their lives and livelihoods.

He's NC with his parents because his Mum is vicious, although she was ok when he was a child. Knowing her as I do my approach would be grey rock, rather than full NC but that's his decision. Having lost one of my own parents, in his position I would maintain a relationship with them but manage it tactically. However, I'm his wife so I'm very clear that I will always support his position.

On the rare occasions that he does get angry I see flashes of his Mum's viciousness IYSWIM?

DH and I have talked since my OP, he has apologised and I was clear that I won't tolerate him speaking to me venomously. Having been divorced once I could do it again if I felt that things were bad enough. We have also made a plan to move the situation the reason for the original argument forward. We are both ok though I have, and will continue to, stick to my guns on this. I'm kind yes, but I'm nobody's emotional punchbag.

As for friends, I admit that I'm probably due a cull. Quite a few of them are old Uni friends and I think that the relationships have run their course. Trouble is that one in particular, who is incredibly selfish, is recently bereaved so I don't feel that I could cut her off now with a clear conscience.

The one friend I would have spoken to is a frontline worker and I just wouldn't want to add to her load at the moment.

I do see the best in people, it's true. I have plenty of boundaries but I'm probably not selfish enough. That should be my lesson from this. Be more selfish.

Thank you though for your comments and your kindness. I do believe that the world needs more people who are decent and reliable. Do all look after yourselves and post if you need to. Integrity is underrated