How would you reply?

[PurpleDaisy2114]

Hi all- background is I have lived away from sister for over 20 years. We have never been close and tbh I don't like that much but I don't want to hurt her.
She is very close to my mum and dad who she lives in the same town with. Mum is a narc and sis and my dad really play to that.

Morning X , hope your okay? I've been thinking about your post you put up the other day about staying close to people who you can be yourself with. I'd really like more than anything for us to be close but sometimes I feel you don't want to be close to me . Sometimes I feel you don't like who I am and it hurts.
I know that your in such a difficult time mentally but want you to know that I love you. What's gonna happen when we haven't got our mum and dad anymore we need each other. Xxx

What would you like to say?

You could always just give a 1 liner with a 'love you too sis' and leave it at that. I don't engage with that kind of emotional stuff when they imply you're not loving them the way they want. It's tedious.

I don't know, you don't really say if you want to be in regular contact with her. The bit about what'll happen when your parents die sounds like she could have been put up to it by them. She's a prime candidate to be a flying monkey for them.

In the meantime, if you don't want her fishing around and misinterpreting SM posts, don't allow her to see them. Depending on what platform you use, you can block certain people from seeing specific ones.
Or has she misinterpreted it? Did you mean to take a swipe in her direction? Maybe you need to look at your own needs for now, have you had counselling for their behaviour? I think you need to step back from her, then and SM while you do

then and SM

Should be them and social media!

I personally would not respond to this piece of emotional manipulation from your sister also because she wants a response. A response to such disordered of thinking people is the reward.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. Your role here is likely to be one of scapegoat. Your dad seems very much to be his wife's enabler (and secondary abuser) and your sister is the golden child (a role itself not without price but she remains unaware of this).

I would not let your dad at all off the hook either; he has singularly failed here to protect you from his wife's excesses of behaviour (out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He is truly a weak man).

And as for her comment re what's going to happen when we don't have mum and dad anymore, well I would advise you not to go down that rabbit hole because its a trail that leads nowhere.

You may find the following from the website called "emerging from broken" helpful:-

"Your parents have had their whole lives to make a positive difference when it came to you. They made their choices, and apparently through the grid of how these type of statements are meant to be taken, my parents choices are acceptable but your choice NOT to put up with abusive and disrespectful disregarding treatment is NOT acceptable? It’s like people are so brainwashed by this whole thing that they don’t even realize how stupid it sounds to be told to accept abuse/neglect/disrespect just because ‘they’ are ‘family".

"That is what this “what if your parents die” question is about. It is about parental rights and entitlement ~ something that YOU as their child don’t have in a dysfunctional family system. People are so afraid that if they ‘hear you’ and validate your reasons for not having relationship with your parents, or for going no contact, that they might have to think about the dysfunctional relationships they have with their parents or even worse, with their grown kids.

It is indeed not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.
You may also want to have a look at the current May 2020 onwards "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

I wouldn't reply at all and I would block her on all social media.

Thanks all. I don't mind some contact but not much.
The lost she is referring to is a quote:
Stay close to people who make you feel like it is okay to be yourself.

It wasn't a swipe at all. However, no, I can't be myself with her at all. Have to guard myself completely...

I would consider your boundaries re your golden child sister and revise them upwards. Even this now low level of contact is not doing you or your state of mind any favours.

It may be a good idea for you to have counselling with regards to your family of origin; you've grown up absorbing some pretty damaging lessons.

Thanks Attila. I know have replied on my stately homes posts.
The rate times I do chat with my sister she recounts the details to my mum. She will show posts on SM to my mum. I called her out on this last week and said that our conversations are just that- OURS and private. She didn't get my point at all.
DM is having a tough time at work and we have all been at DM's beckon call. I've been on court and none of them attended.
The message did upset me today and I just thought wtf! Where has that come from?!
I have had counselling and am currently waiting for confirmation of very likely BPD.

The message did upset me today and I just thought wtf! Where has that come from?!

The msg is nice in a way though, she's saying she wants to be close to you. Yes, she says you feel you don't like her, but you've pretty much said that to us yourself in your first post.

It's just a shame that she reports back to your mum, as it means you can't really be closer to her as she says she wishes, because you can't trust her.

The family dynamic is so difficult to explain. When I lived at home as a child we didn't get on. There is only 4 years between us. She was 'cool' I was alternative. She would be too embarrassed to be with me in public when she was about 13.
It's a relationship that has always caused me pain and yes, I can't trust her.
Will have a look at the websites suggested too.

On the surface it sounds like a nice message but underneath is very manipulative.

Personally I’d be tempted to ask why, if we are so close, she sent a text rather than spoke to me.

What do you want to achieve with your reply? That might help people suggests replies- do you want to placate her? Set boundaries so that she knows you don’t want that type of relationship with her?

I think I remember your mother from other writings . If I am right she to my mind she deserves all she gets i.e the sack!!!.

Your sister cannot be at all trusted here because she keeps on reporting all that you say back to mother. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. I would also think your mother played the two of you off against each other as siblings for her own ends and thus sullying your own sisterly relationship between you two.

I probably wouldn't reply, OP.

Just ignore it.

I know that your in such a difficult time mentally but want you to know that I love you. What's gonna happen when we haven't got our mum and dad anymore we need each other

As someone who has been in a similar situation....and has no regrets....my reply would be along the lines of "My mental health is healthy - thankyou for asking. My positive mental health is what has guided me to lay down some healthy boundaries re my family. You are my sister and i love you - however, i would NOT choose you as a friend . We grew up together but are NOT close.....and after 20 years i'm not going to play out the farce of 'closeness' when there has never been any. Please don't use my social media posts to try and bullshit me - otherwise you leave me no choice but to restrict/block you"

Your sister is going to create drama no matter what you say or do.....so use this opportunity to set the record straight.

and YOU don't 'need' her.....that's her projecting onto you.
i bet your parents have continually attended to her 'needs' and she's trying to line up a replacement.....

You are spot on monkey. Thank you all for taking the time to post- your perspectives have really helped.
The truth is I want her in my life as little as possible. I don't need her at all as cold as that may sound.
I have tried to be there at times of crisis on her life but we have never really gone shopping, had coffee together etc.
Thank you.

It isn't 'cold'.......it's just a sad fact of life that blood isn't always thicker than water.
I grew up in an awfully abusive household where i was made to feel like a black sheep and the rest golden children.....despite being there for them and helping them i get nothing in return -other than ridicule, insults and abuse.
I'm the 2nd eldest out of 7 and have had to walk away for my own sake.
I've left the door open so they know i'm here if they need me, which is more than i'd do for a friendship i'd dropped.

However, the boundaries are there and always will be. I'm not sorry and i don't regret it.
I refused to feel guilty years ago when that feeling would creep in.....guilt is how toxic people hoover you back in emotionally.

when i say'need me' i mean in the sense of life/death/emergency....nothing else.

What about : ahh, we’ll always be sisters x
(I’d add a kiss or an emoji)

Factually - you will always be sisters.
Message sounds friendly. Nothing for DM to criticise. No drama.
Means nothing to you as just a fact.