Trying to see the light

[Maryberry66]

During lockdown it became apparent that a friendship I suspected my DH was having with one of his clients was blooming - through phone calls he wouldn't answer when I was in the room - "Oh I'll ring them back later." and shifty answers to questions I was asking. I have felt uncomfortable about this woman for a considerable amount of time but it was nothing more than a gut feeling - no proof and nor did I look for any. I trusted him - so why would I need to snoop? Anyway, I eventually tackled him head on about it and he admitted they were friends - he would go to her house to do odd jobs (as she's on her own) and chat (as she's lonely and has no friends). This was happening about once a month. Hmmm..... curiosity of course got the better of me and after detective work Helen Mirren would be proud of I established that a very close friendship had developed over 3 years which amounted to daily phone calls and texts and him coughing to visiting her once a week. He has lied at every stage of the disclosure so I have had to be smart and find evidence that he can't dispute - a horrible thing to have to do. He is adamant that there was no inappropriate behaviour (sexual) but they were very good friends. I have asked him to stop all contact with her, which he did at the beginning of May - except for a contact to him from her, which he immediately told me about. (She's now blocked so will have to make a special effort to contact him).He has apologised at how upset he has made me (I'm devastated about the breach of trust, lies etc), agrees that the level of the contact they had was completely inappropriate has promised this will never happen again, says he's embarrassed, ashamed- but can't seem to get his head around why I feel so upset. He refuses to talk about it anymore and has asked that I don't talk to anyone about it as he's so embarrassed and couldn't face any of my friends or family if I told them. He admits we were drifting apart - i agree - and he felt he was coming second to my family. My Mum had terminal cancer for some of the time and obviously I was helping my Dad care for her at home until she died. Understandably - that was my first priority - but this was 18 months into their friendship. We have been together for 16 years and he's not done anything like this before. He deleted most of the texts so I can't read them but the ones I have seen are general chit chat and about work stuff. He says he deleted them because if I had seen them I would have been upset/ annoyed and he didn't want a big discussion about it. I am struggling - I feel like the last few years have been an absolute joke - I've been getting on with life and in total ignorance of this friendship. I am really angry and upset and I don't know how to move forward. Things between us are surprisingly good on the surface - he just wants to forget it all and move forward - so do I but I am finding some days easier than others. Has anyone else been in this situation and any tips for moving forward?

So I don’t think you’re honestly going to be able to move on until you have closure and for you that means unanswered questions that your OH doesn’t appear willing to address.
The elephant in the room is that this was probably more than just a friendship; at the least an emotional affair, otherwise why go to such lengths to hide it?
You can’t move on until you know what it is you have to move on from and you aren’t being given that.

My XH was friends for 10 years with a woman, I tried to brush it off but it made me insecure, the fact that he would talk about her a lot and all the drama she had in her life, she was single because her husband left her for another woman, I even felt sorry for her.
He was a general creep anyway, following young women on social media that I didn't know, but when I tried to confront him with my insecurities, he made it out that I was crazy and was all in my head yet he left me and went to live with her!
Trust your gut, if you don't like it, leave before he leaves you for her.

He says he deleted them because if I had seen them I would have been upset/ annoyed and he didn't want a big discussion about it.

he just wants to forget it all and move forward

I bet he does.

What kind of messages do you think he sent that he thinks would upset you? Do you believe it wasn't a sexual affair? Ignore what he has told you, he has already proved himself to be a liar.

From experience I can tell you that this will eat away at you until you are a shell of the person you are now. You will become riddled with anxiety and your self esteem will bottom out. You will become paranoid about what he is doing and who he is doing it with and you will be accused of being controlling and "not letting things go". I couldn't move on from it the first time it happened in my marriage but struggled on for 3 years until I finally realised that I was so miserable I needed to end it.

Thanks for the replies - it's helpful to have some outside input and clarity.@JeSuisPrest I have no idea what the messages, which were deleted, said and I will never know and there's no point in speculating. I don't think it was a sexual affair he says there was absolutely no attraction on his side and it was never discussed with her - but how can I know for sure? If someone lies about having a coffee and a chat, they are sure as hell going to lie if things had gone further aren't they ? He just has no answers to my questions, which he acknowledges is unhelpful, but said he won't make things up as he genuinely can't remember. He was appalled when I confronted him with his phone bills - he said he had no idea that he was contacting her so much. He said she always seemed to be having a crisis which needed attention - suicide attempts, suspended from work, an alleged rape..... the list goes on. She sounds like a very needy and manipulative person - but all I know about her is what he's told me - so it could all be a pack of lies. I just cannot fathom why he would want to invest so much time in someone whose needs are so far out of his comfort zone - it's just not him at all. Normally he would run a mile from all this apparent oversharing. I am not a needy person at all - I'm independent and strong - but this has knocked for six.

I think the truth is somewhere in the middle OP and as manipulative as she may or may not be, he chose to be at her disposal 24/7 and that’s only based on the version he’s given you.
The trust is at best fractured.
If you want to stay with him, you might have to come to terms with the fact you may never know what happened and also forgive that.
Personally, I don’t think I could do it but it’s your call.
At the very least you deserve answers rather than this bullshit about him not remembering. Of course he does.

he says there was absolutely no attraction on his side and it was never discussed with her - but how can I know for sure? If someone lies about having a coffee and a chat, they are sure as hell going to lie if things had gone further aren't they ?
Yes.

Normally he would run a mile from all this apparent oversharing. I am not a needy person at all - I'm independent and strong - but this has knocked for six.
Would you go round to a male client's house to do odd jobs if there was nothing going on between you?

Trust your gut instinct.

@MikeUniformMike - No I wouldn't do that for a male client. However he is a Tradesman and has done work in her house - that's how they met - just to put some context in there.

I don't think it was a sexual affair he says there was absolutely no attraction on his side and it was never discussed with her - but how can I know for sure?

He's lied, repeatedly, about everything else. He is definitely going to lie about being attracted to her.

Ah! ok.

Still, your gut feeling is that it is a bit off.

It is up to you, but I think if it seems off, it probably is. There is at least something going on there.

My guess is that it is probably him who has all the 'woe is me' stories, 'My wife doesn't understand me' etc.

Buy 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass and read it together.
He needs to understand what you are going through.
He also cannot just brush this under the carpet.
If you have questions he needs to be prepared to answer them honestly and fully. The book will explain that.
Of he CAN remember. That's a diversion tactic!
He basically wanted to be her knight in shining amour and rescue her.
That is very unhealthy.
Is he looking into counselling to understand why he's done this?

@hellsbellsmelons - I actually bought the Shirley Glass book which I found very helpful. No - he won't read it and no he wouldn't entertain going to Counselling - his view is it's a waste of time. I have suggested it and pointed out it might actually be the best time he's ever spent - but no, not a chance.

...no he wouldn't entertain going to Counselling - his view is it's a waste of time.

I think that tells you all you need to know as to how much he values you and your marriage.

He says there was no attraction on his part?
Yet her apparent suicide attempts, claims of being suspended from work, an alleged rape etc had him galloping to her rescue like a knight in shining armour - no man would rush to protect and support a woman he didn't find attractive in some way. And he was contacting her as well - it was mutual.

All this for someone he wasn't attracted to? Utter bollocks.

He's fobbing you off, saying she was needy and manipulative, and now he's conveniently deleted all the incriminating texts, you have no concrete proof of an affair.

If I were you, I would give him an ultimatum - the truth or you will walk away. Or you can accept that he genuinely can't remember...

I think the relationship between your husband and this woman would be classed as infidelity. I have had exactly the type of relationship that they have except I called the man my bf. I'm so sorry, it must have been such a shock to realise that they had been in that much contact for three years. The deleted texts tell you he crossed over boundaries. And the amnesia? So frustrating for you. Like a PP said I would tell your husband that you can only get through this with the truth and hope to goodness he comes through for you. I can't stand lies and they just make the situation so much worse.

Yes. Been there. My DH has had emotional affairs (at least) more than once. The last one went on about 3 years as well. It ended probably 3 or 4 years ago. They have destroyed us. Mainly because we never really addressed them, talked them through, never got any answers. We finally discussed them about a year ago as things came to a huge head. I didn't get answers but probably because I no longer had questions because I had stopped caring. We came close to splitting up, my instigation, purely because of these acts.

So, not a happy outcome. We are working on things now, I'm not convinced we will get through it as my feelings for him have changed hugely and I cant seem to change back. But what I can say is that you absolutely need to find a way to address it. Do not let it be swept under the carpet. My DH felt the same as yours. Embarrassment, not wanting to discuss it with anyone. Wanting it to go away because in his head it was over now. But that won't resolve things for you. There's every chance you will end up where I am now if it doesn't get addressed whilst you've got the desire to do so. He needs to realise that. You need closure to.move forward. But then... how would you ever believe he's telling you the whole truth? I know I never would. I'd always assume my DH was holding some information back to protect himself as he's proven his ability to do that time and again over the years. I'm sorry, it's really hard, but simply put, he needs to suck it up and get his ass to counselling at least with you.