Is this emotional abuse?

[Smillar2020]

My husband is a functioning alcoholic, and I am divorcing him. He has stashed empty cans and bottles for years and filled spirit bottles with water and soft drinks. When I would ask him if he had been drinking he would lie and call me crazy or say I would say anything to start an argument (when he’d clearly been drinking). Numerous things happened over the last few years such as him letting MIL control our finances. When I asked him why money was being moved around and why was she doing this he said I was doing anything to have a go at MIL and no way was she doing that (I found the proof that she had access to our accounts). When I suspected his family had turned on me he said it was all in my head, I was oversensitive, why was I caring, it was me causing a fight (my suspicions proved me right). He has always deflected situations and minimised his behaviour. I want to report him for emotional abuse but I worry I won’t be taken seriously enough. Any advice? X

Others may disagree, but I think the best course for you is focusing on the divorce and then on having the life you want, free of him and his family.

Sounds like you’ve had a truly awful time OP and I’m so sorry. What would you want to happen if you reported him? TBH I think I would just focus on getting away. Rebuild your life and confidence. You know the truth.

Sounds like gas lighting to me

In an ideal world I would walk away from him and that would be the end of it. However we have a baby and he is telling me he wants 50/50 custody and will go to court. With his alcohol abuse I don’t think (and would hope) that he wouldn’t be granted this but you never know. He also says his parents will be demanding visitation which makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. That’s why I want to report him for his behaviour towards me too. I have evidence documented.

Give 101 a call and have a chat with someone in the DV team.
See if you can put a report together of his abuse.
He does NOT want 50/50.
This is a threat to keep you in line.
You could call his bluff on that.
'Great, that is what it should be. You are 50% DC parent and should have 50% custody. It will mean I have time for myself to do hobbies and go out and meet people... blah blah blah'
They usually backpedal massively when this is put to them.
Abusers don't want you to enjoy yourself or go out and meet other men. If their threats aren't working they change tack.

When you find empty bottles around, take pictures and make a log of incidents.
Keep a diary of all of his abuse.
The gaslighting is horrendous.
See what the police say and give Womens Aid a call as well.
Rights of Women may also be a good call to make.

OP, please call Women's Aid. Tell them everything and ask them 'is this abuse?' - they will know. It's what they're there for.

A partner controlling your money and not allowing you access or refusing to discuss it with you sounds like financial abuse.

I'm sure you have lots of other things you could add to your list of abusive behaviours...?

These type of men ALL want 50/50 custody until you point out how much freedom you'll have!

I thought about calling Women’s Aid for advice. I just worry that my points wouldn’t count as abuse or wouldn’t get me anywhere. It’s so stressful.

Your worries re Women’s Aid are groundless and you would not be wasting their time by calling them. Feel the fear and do call them. The first step out of an abusive relationship is often the hardest to take but take it you should.

Financial abuse is abuse op. As is his controlling behaviour and gaslighting. You won’t be sent away because your perception of the situation is that it’s not “worthy enough”
You are being abused by him and possibly by your in-laws.
You have evidence. That’s great.
You need to leave. The best way is with a plan unless you are in immediate danger. Others on here can advise on that better than me.
Good luck.

I made him move out a few months ago. I think he thinks we are getting back together but that isn’t happening. Emotional abuse is hard to prove as no one is going to admit to that behaviour.

Excellent OP.
Well done on getting him out.
EA is very hard to prove, unfortunately.
How old is LO?
Are you breastfeeding?

Speak to women's aid. They can help you extract yourself and your dc from this man. Don't believe a word he says, he's kit your friend and he won't be giving you honest advice.

Oh don’t get me started on emotional abuse being hard to prove. My husband threatened me if I ever left he would take our daughter. He made a lot of threats to frighten me out of the potential of court. He had our dd two days a week and used her to manipulate me. I reached a point where I put my foot down and stopped contact, that was 6 months ago. After all the threats of taking me to court has he applied...nope! They aren’t desperate to have their children, they are desperate to use their children. Going to court involves a lot of effort! Useless bastards....anyway, because you will get absolutely nowhere trying to prove the abuse and your partner will probably have many rubbish things to say in return..trust me you have to let it go and focus on the life ahead.

He will absolutely take me to court for custody. His mother is behind the whole thing. It makes me feel sick and I can’t sleep at night thinking about having to hand my baby over to them.

I also thought that. But saying and doing are 2 different things. He may not be happy to stand up in court and listen and compromise. My husband it seems doesn’t want to spend his money.
Yours may also enjoy going to court and having another place to continue the abuse, they are all twisted in the head!
I would see if you can find yourself a local abuse charity and look at the freedom programme and group meetings. Sometimes the outcome is inevitable but just having the support and validation can help you.

My husband is a functioning twat...sorry weed addict. But us mums have to become super women mentally and physically. I can’t promote support enough!

Will he be willing to discuss his alcoholism with a judge or family courts?? If so tell him to crack on. No way will he get 50 50. Get yourself some proper advise. Then when he spouts this bullshit your safe in the knowledge that you know exactly where you stand legally.

I’ve got a solicitor. They think given the age of my baby he won’t be granted custody half the time. They have warned me that if his parents are behind it then a judge might allow him supervised visits with them. I will definitely contact Women’s Aid now, I need some advice on the abuse side. That’s comforting to know that his mum could be deemed abusive because Of the finances.

Others may disagree, but I think the best course for you is focusing on the divorce and then on having the life you want, free of him and his family

Op I agree with this 👆 as painful as it is , it’s very hard to do someone for this
And yes he is abusive
Best thing is to extract yourself as much as possible
But his abuse does means you can report him , and possible acess SS
Onwards

I would give anything to be free of him and his family. But he won’t accept that. I offered him the house to then walk away. He refused. He said he wants to be a dad (even though he’s an unfit parent). If I could be free of him I would do whatever it took. His mother is pushing him into demanding custody and will be saying even if he doesn’t want the baby she does. It’s heartbreaking.

So she's moved your money around? That's stealing. It's outrageous! I can't believe she's going for full custody either!

You need to get onto this RIGHT NOW and get proof of her moving money etc. It's a complete smoking gun if you can.

Keeping contact with the baby gives him access to you and that is what he wants. He wants you at home worried sick about the baby when he has her. Mine took out dd and did nothing with her, didn’t dress her, brush her hair/teeth etc, she was eating from a bowl on the floor. He didn’t care just as long as I didn’t have her and I was suitably scared. Make sure you have no direct contact with him, give him no emotional responses, good or bad, they thrive off of being able to get you emotionally. Is he having any kind of contact now? If you deem him unsafe and you have evidence of such then you are within your rights to stop all contact and let him apply to court for contact. If he gets aggressive then you can apply for a non-mol. You have a solicitor so they will do all that. I have posted many a thread on here regarding contact and it does seem that if it goes to court a judge will grant some form of contact, working towards unsupervised. But that goes on your particular situation.

Sorry I called your baby a her, I’m used to saying her as I have a girl!