How to bring it up?

[Jazzybeats]

Been married 10 years, 2 kids and we both work. Currently juggling both working from home and childcare/school runs - we have been like ships in the night most days for a while.

We manage to spend a bit of time together 2 evening a week but usually we are so tired we have a glass of wine, half watch a film and go to sleep.

My issue is we haven’t had sex in months. Even since pre lockdown (but lockdown has made it worse if anything).

Ours is the typical history of everything being fine early on, and then things changing once we had kids... eventually ending up to less than 5 times in the last 2 years. We’ve talked about it in the past and having kids has been hard, but now they are getting older we’ve stayed in that routine.

It feels like we’ve been burying our heads in the sand on this. DP doesn’t really show any concern about it and seems to be happy to toddle along.

Anyway. My question is basic... it’s been so long since we’ve even talked about it I actually don’t know how to bring it up. It seems like it would come totally out of the blue but the truth is it needs to be addressed. Ideally I’d like it to sort itself out organically but given the time that’s passed I don’t think that’s going to happen!

Tips welcome! Before I combust!

Could you suggest taking the evening glass of wine up to bed with you ? Tiredness, wine & a film is like a sleeping tablet for me.

You have to find a way to talk about it, just as you talk about other aspects of your relationship, kids, money, unloading the dishwasher etc etc. It's hard to keep up your sex life with young kids, and it won't be the same as before. And it will not sort itself out organically.

My DW and I made a deal when our dc were young that we should try not to go more than a week without. And we've pretty much stuck to that - I know it sounds a bit unromantic and there have certainly been times when it seemed something of a chore but in the long run this decision has been one of the best we ever made - we are in our 60s now and still DTD regularly and it's as good as it ever was.

You will need to pick your moment, give your DP a large glass of something, warn him that you are going to raise a sensitive issue and then go for it, obviously without being confrontational. Maybe suggest that he must miss it, which I guess he must if he has the usual urges, and you would like to help him out in that way. In future you should discuss your sex life from time to time just to make sure you are both happy and issues can be dealt with before they get to the point where you are now.

Good luck!