Wtf is this

[futureup]

My husband treats me like crap but I love him. Im trying to make sense of my situation in my head. Do you think it's possible to love someone who treats you like crap or is it just this weird unhealthy attachment

It's both. It's not healthy.

How does he treat you like crap?

Unhealthy attachment
You don't love his behaviour, what's making you think you love him?

You might love him but I bet you are miserable all the time or feel like you are on eggshells. You need to wake up and realise that you deserve better. It will really hurt to break up and you feel like shit for a while but once that passes, you’ll have a fab time. Been there done that and no regrets.

It's not love. It's like Stockholm syndrome. Dr Tanya Bryon from the times

Think of a slot machine with an intermittent payout; we keep feeding our coins in because when we don’t get a payout we think we “almost win’’ (rather than we lose) and are closer to the next jackpot. We are hooked on the moment when we might win. It is an addiction to the occasional positive response.

This also explains “trauma bonding’’, ie why victims of abusive partners can also struggle to leave: the addictive nature of the toxic co-dependent relationship. Indeed, research shows that victims of domestic violence will experience, on average, seven incidents before permanently leaving.

Similar to you, many victims of domestic violence and coercive control hold positive feelings about — and even support for the needs of — their abuser.

Thankyou so much for you replies! I wasn't sure anyone would respond. I'm not to clever with Mumsnet and how to respond to specific people- in relation to how he treats me like crap- it's like a big set of little things. For example if he has done something to really upset me and sees me crying my eyes out he will just stare and say I don't like to see you upset. But then just carries on with the same behaviour,this happens over and over again. Lies about all sorts. Someone might have seen him and he will say it wasn't him. When I said "you haven't got any empathy" he will say "it's impossible to put yourself in another persons shoes". Will say he's coming home for a night in and then just not show up and ignore my phone calls and messages,but then he might say something nice and I feel attached again. He was so different in the beginning. So I feel this is more like maybe what is mentioned above about the slot machine. He's not all bad- he works extremely hard. I have recently had the guts to call it a day,and I felt a lot better since he has been gone. But it's hard not to be confident in a decision when my self esteem has been destroyed and also hang onto those rare crumbs that go thrown. Maybe I'm just mourning who they were in the beginning?

You’re mourning the person you wished and pretended he was deep down. He was never that person, and would never have become that person. Many of us have been there. Work on finding yourself again.

Been there and done that. Wonderful to have got rid of him. You need to too.

I think you are right- I feel like I'm mourning the potential rather than who he actually is. Im not perfect by any means and I have faults. But if I kept doing something which really hurt him...well I just wouldn't do it. But guess we are all different. I feel stronger since being split up,and just happier in day to day life. I have told some of my friends and family recently and they said "it's about time"

I feel like this is a Wierd one too...like I think oh god what happens if he gets with someone else straight away- that's going to be really painful. Then someone said "well then let her put up with all his crap". I'm frustrated that it would bother me if he got into a new relationship straight away

Do you think I just need to keep reminding myself that that is not important

Well done for finishing it.

A lot of women say they still feel that way about their abuser. It might help to write a list of all the bad things he did, either online or on paper, so you can look at it whenever you need to remind yourself how awful he is. Also, tell yourself that the good stuff wasn't real , it was all lies to keep you on a string, and for all you know virtually everything he told you was a lie.

Do you have to have much to do with him? Have as little contact as possible.

You're doing great, keep going. xxxxx

Do you think I just need to keep reminding myself that that is not important

As you said someone said to you, just think that any new person will only have to put up with his bollox. I thought to myself afterwards that I don't think he'll meet anyone who would put up with his shit the way I did, for as long as I did.

I'm going to try the list thing,I think that's a good idea. I have defo given it my all and I can walk away knowing that's I did. We have children so do have to have some contact. It's probably taken me 2 years to reach this decision- trying to make things better in the meantime which failed. These replies from you all have been so supportive ❤️

Sou- (sorry I don't know how to respond to people directly 😰) did you just end up coming to the decision after a while? I think I've been back and forth and then eventually just gone forth!